My thoughts

Nutcracker

2008-12-28T00:03:00.000-08:00

I went to see the Nutcracker today with Abby, my sister-in-law, her daughter, and my parents-in-law (Grandpa's treat!). Abby is only 2 and a half, but today she was a mature little lady going to the ballet for the first time in her life. She wore her fancy silk Christmas dress from Grandma, and wore her hair in curls, styled by her auntie. I was sure she would fall asleep and be scared by the big talking toys. But she was surprisingly very interested in what was going on. For the whole two hours! Not many adults can keep interested for that long at the ballet.

She kept asking questions about what was happening, so I had to whisper a narration to her the whole time. I tried using phrases and concepts that she would understand, so at one point I told her that the naughty boy who took the girl's toy had to get a time-out.

If you're familiar with the Nutcracker, the first act is all about a Christmas party where the children receive presents from under the Christmas tree. There is a lot going on onstage, with people dancing, children playing, and general merrymaking going on... It's hard to just focus on one thing that is happening. However, Abby decided to focus on the Boy Who Got Time Out. In fact, she became fixated on it, constantly asking questions about the time-out. Maybe because she could relate to the girl whose toy was being taken away (she and her cousin Matthew have had some toy-sharing issues this past week while we're staying at his house), but whatever it was, the whole two hours was dotted with questions about the brief time-out session that the naughty boy had in Act 1 Scene 1.

Abby (whispering furiously): Mommy, is he all DONE with time OUT?
Me: Yes, he's all done.
Abby: But Mommy, did he GET time OUT?
Me: Yes, remember he took the toy away from the girl? He was naughty so he got a time out. But it's over now. (Let's move on!!!)

A couple of minutes later, some random character comes sailing in from stage left...

Abby: Did HE go to time OUT? And now he came out?
Me (regretting telling her of this supposed time-out in order to help her understand what's going on): No Abby, that's another character. The boy in the beginning had time out. Now nobody has time out.
Abby (still whispering furiously and nodding her head in understanding): Because he already got a time out. Yeah.

These are just samples of how our conversations went throughout the performance. I can't remember verbatim what she said, and what I said, but you get the gist. I could see that her 2-year-old mind was really trying to make sense of what was happening in the scenes in terms of what she knew from her experiences. It was fascinating to watch.

Anyways, all in all, a successful outing. It was complete with a money shot of her and her cousin with their grandparents in front of a lighted Christmas tree, and a toy nutcracker bought as a memento of the experience. When the final dance was danced, and everyone started to clap, she heartily joined in the clapping. The lights came on, and she turned to me and said, "This was fun!"

Falling Apart at 30

2008-01-20T00:15:00.001-08:00

Starting off a new year with a new age hasn't been all that pleasant. I just feel like everything is falling apart, physically. I found a white hair! Which means that I now need to color my hair out of necessity and not for fun. I just found out today that my tooth had cracked, thus allowing food to enter, thus creating a cavity, thus affecting my nerves, thus needing to get a root canal with a full crown. My teeth have never cracked before! What gives? My bones are extra creaky, things are saggy and jiggly everywhere, and it's just all-around unpleasant. As a joke, some friends gave me a multi-vitamin as part of their birthday present to me: Central-Vite Senior Formula "For Mature Adults." I laughed - it's still in its packaging. Now I'm looking at it with new wonder and hopefulness.

2007-11-27T11:16:00.001-08:00

I was talking to a friend the other day about life. She said something so interesting that I've been thinking about it for a couple of days now. The comment was that our Korean Christian parents' generation pushed us into becoming doctors and lawyers (or enter any other professional title that makes 6 figures), but didn't necessarily know what kind of lifestyle they were pushing us to embrace. In their minds, the salary, prestige, and the notion of making a difference to others was the aim. Getting straight As was the expectation in high school, so that you can go to a good college, so that you can go to a good law/med school (etc.), so that you can make lots of money, so that you can settle nicely and be comfortable.

But sometimes there's such a huge class difference once you make a ton of money. At times, it can clash with your own parents. They might still expect you to go to church regularly, get married and have 2.5 kids by age 30, cook every night, clean your newly bought house by yourself, and be available during the holidays. There are certain social and economic changes one might go through when entering a higher socio-economic class. You work long hours. You hire people to do things for you. You don't have time to have kids, or even get married. You can't always get to church on a Sunday morning. You might have to work on Thanksgiving and Christmas. You may enjoy fine dining instead of sub-par Japanese restaurants like your parents. You may become a little more shee-shee-fu-fu. But is this a good thing?

One of the effects of becoming shee-shee-fu-fu is that your standards are so high for certain things that you can't help but look down at other people. I see this in my own life sometimes. For example, I am appalled when people don't grate their own parmesan cheese. I grew up with American single sliced cheese (and I still love that, btw). I ate it with everything. I thought it was the ultimate CHEESE. But then I discovered other cheeses as I became more shee-shee-fu-fu. I went wine-tasting. I took cooking classes on how to eat and store different kinds of cheeses. I'm at a point now where I stick my nose up in the air at the powdery grated cheese stuff you buy in a container to sprinkle over pasta. I need to at least grate my own parmesan cheese. You might think this is a silly example, but it's nevertheless an example of changing my ways as a result of entering into a different class.

I don't know what I think about all this. I know that money is the root of all kinds of evil. I know this to be true. And perhaps that is the temptation I must overcome every day. To not give in to the "all kinds of evil" that wealth opens up. Perhaps some of you know what I'm talking about, and know it better than I do. And perhaps some of you don't know what I'm talking about, but want to know. In any case, I'm grateful that my parents didn't push me to pursue a profession that makes a lot of money. Perhaps they knew I wasn't smart enough anyway. haha. j/k. Maybe it's because I don't know yet the meaning of being "settled," but I don't mind struggling month to month in the Bay Area. And it's not even struggling in the sense of making ends meet. It's struggling to save, really, when it comes down to it.

Do I want to be rich? Do I want to be poor? I wish I could stay a happy medium.

Blabby Abby

2007-09-18T13:37:00.000-07:00

The other day, Abby woke up saying a succession of names:

1. Mommy (mah-mee)

2. Daddy (da-da)

3. Halmuni (ah-mu-na)

4. Blair (beh - I think it included Melissa in her mind.)

These are all people that have recently taken care of her for a long period of time. She now has memories of people and fun activities. For example, when she says "Blair," she immediately says "agua." This means that she's remembering how fun it was playing in the water when Blair and Melissa were over to babysit.

She and Halmuni got along really well when Halmuni visited from SoCal. But when Halmuni left, Abby woke up the next morning looking for her. She said her name multiple times and went to check in the guest room to see if she was still there. I told her that Halmuni is gone, that she doesn't live here, but that she lives in LA. (actually OC, but LA is easier to say for her) So now, whenever she asks or remembers Halmuni, I say "Oh, you miss Halmuni? Where is she? She lives in..."

And Abby responds, "LA (eh-A)," with a knowing smile.

And sometimes throughout the day she'll randomly say "dada" with a real urgency. Then I have to remind her that Daddy is at...

And she says, "wok," again with that oh-yeah-I-get-it-now smile.

Philosophy

2007-09-08T22:58:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you about philosophy.

(silence)

I got nothin for you. I know not, therefore I'm not. That's the extent of my philosophical musings. I don't care much to know more, really. Philosophy to me is too much abstract thinking, and I'd rather watch TV, thankyouverymuch.

But my husband. He and philosophy are one. It makes sense to him, in a sense. He is passionate about thinking. He is passionate about thinking ABOUT thinking. One of the things I admire about him the most is his ability to synthesize information in a tangible way for the common man. Even I can read some of his entries on philosophy and come away with a sense of understanding that I'm not supposed to understand, which is what I hear philosophy is supposed to be, at its core.

So when he brought up the idea on taking a course on Philosophy, I said WHY NOT? Sign up today! Along with encouraging comments from philosophical friends responding to his latest blog entry, and the gentle supportive prodding from his wife, Danny has signed up for a continuing studies class in some kind of a philosophy of the West class!!!

I'm so excited! I'm looking forward to reading his essays and murmuring mmhmm while completely not understanding what he's written, but knowing that it's good stuff. Go Danny!

Buggin'

2007-08-27T22:21:00.000-07:00

So, like, I'm totally buggin'! This is a line from one of my favorite movies: Clueless. "Buggin'" means "stressed out," for those of you who don't know the lingo.

I admit it. I'm a stressed out person. Most people see the calm, collected, "Capricorn" Jieun. And it's not that I fake people out; it's just that the stress is all inside. I expect Danny to match how I'm feeling. When I'm excited about something, I need him to be as excited.

WHAT!? You found out your customer's Mary Kay foundation color is Beige 304? That's with a pink undertone, right? WOWZERS!

When I feel stressed, I need him to feel stressed as well. But it seems that my husband doesn't stress out in exactly the same way that I do in exactly the same situations. For example, when we need to get ready to go out, say to church on Sunday morning, I feel stressed. I need to pack the baby's bag with snack, lunch, diapers, a change of clothing, a favorite toy, water, and milk. I need to change, put my makeup on, and pack my own stuff. Abby needs to get fed, read to, loved, and sometimes bribed into getting into the carseat. I start by brushing my teeth, reading to Abby, packing a healthy snack, and then I look at the clock. It's 9:00am. Oh, I think. Plenty of time since we don't have to get to church until 10:10am. That's like one hour. Plenty of time!! WRONG.

Fifteen minutes later, Abby is only diaper-clad but well-fed, I'm still in my pajamas, and I'm starting to get into panic mode because I realize that if we need to get to church by 10:10am, then we have to get out of the driveway by 9:50am. That means leave the house by 9:40am. That means have everything packed and ready to go by 9:30. And it's already 9:15!! Fifteen minutes. During these next fifteen minutes, craziness ensues in my head. I'm running around frantically trying to put my contacts in so that I can start putting my makeup on, pulling a dress over Abby, who is screaming in protest, and praying that I don't forget to pack the milk.

Enter Danny. He takes literally 2 minutes to get ready, on a non-shower morning. On a shower day, it's 3 minutes. Puts on his uniform: jeans and a t-shirt, brushes his teeth, and slaps on some water on his face. I'm ready, he proclaims. Gr. He sees that I need help with Abby so he asks, what can I do? I give him two tasks: get the milk ready and make sure Abby has a change of clothing.

He goes off on his mission. I'm still freaking out, thinking why are we always late?? We have to show up early to help out at church, and everyone's going to be mad that we're late, AGAIN. And as I'm applying my mascara, I hear faint noises coming from the living room. I open our bedroom door.... it's the piano! Danny is playing Invention No. 8 by Bach - a lively and catchy tune. But I'm standing there in disbelief. Why is he playing the piano at a time like this!!! We have two minutes until we're officially on our way to being late for church. So I march out there and demand to know if he's accomplished his tasks. He has. Oh. OK then.

He just doesn't feel the stress of getting to places on time. I feel it ever so acutely, and yet I feel so powerless to change the situation. Danny just gets ready faster than I do. He helps out with what he can with Abby's stuff. Then he's done. Nuff said. Done deal. GGeut. But I spend so much time stressing out that maybe that's the reason why I'm late all the time. Plus, I procrastinate and I'm lazy sometimes. I want to be able to get to the point where I just get ready without all the stress, and then have a couple minutes left over to play a round of Invention No. 8. Teach me, O wise one.

Lasagna

2007-08-26T21:41:00.000-07:00

I made lasagna for the second time in my life. I used already-cooked lasagna strips. Very interesting! It was a huge time-saver. And, one lasagna dish can last you FOREVER! It's like my curry rice dish that lasts for two weeks in the Chai household. I'm definitely adding lasagna to my cooking rotation. Thanks Melissa for the ingredients advice!!

GUYS ONLY

2007-08-22T09:34:00.000-07:00

Here is a picture of Danny and some of his buds from college. Henry, Danny, and John all have one toddler (plus John has an infant who is not pictured).

BTW: I love how Abby is reaching out to me, the picture taker. "Mah-mee!"

I was honored to be invited to this year's "road trip" that was GUYS ONLY for many years. I kind of felt personally responsible for making sure that people who traveled a great distance felt that their money was well-spent. Since Danny and I only had to drive to Santa Cruz, it just made sense for us to take care of local business.

But I had a huge dilemma. Since it was GUYS ONLY for such a long time, I'm not sure if they knew what a trip with GIRLS and KIDS would be like. As the weekend approached, I felt stress coming on. Who was planning the meals? What entertainment would be provided for the little tots? Was there a DVD player available? Does the beach house have cooking utensils? Does little Mary speak English? What CAN Nathaniel eat? Is it cold in Santa Cruz? Are we going to spend some time at the beach playing or just looking at the waves? Are the Yoons coming? Where is Andrew? Will Abby fight with Nathaniel? Will this be madness or happiness?

Part of it is being a mom and making sure I prepare for plan A through plan E, for the sake of my child. Another part of it is my people-pleasing personality. Still another part was the fact that I felt like we should be the "hosts," since it was in the Bay Area.

I decided to ask Danny what we should do in preparation for this trip. He just stared blankly at his computer screen and said, "I don't know. Um, I think we'll hang out at the beach." Hm... what does that mean? Should I pack all the beach necessities? Beach toys? Umbrella and towels? Sunblock! Hats, water shoes, etc.

Then I had a brilliant idea! I should call Henry! He seemed to be the top planner/organizer of the group, and will surely have an answer for me. "Henry, what should we do about breakfast on Friday, and meals in general?" His answer for me was: "We don't plan."

Hm... what does that mean? Does that mean therefore I shouldn't plan? That if I DO plan I will not be invited to any other road trips? But how can I NOT plan? This trip potentially involves FOUR babies, THREE women, and FIVE men. We'll be staying in a house in a neighborhood unbeknownst to any of us. Who knows what we will face? As a woman, "Be prepared" is my heart's natural motto. You don't even have to remind me to be prepared, I just do it instinctively.

So my dilemma was: Shall I go with the mantra of "we don't plan" and then watch four babies die, three women cringe, and five men thrive? Or shall I take matters into my own hand and do what I can so that four babies thrive, three women thrive, and five men thrive?

Needless to say, I planned for this trip. Not completely, but I did what I could to ease my stress, anxiety, and make sure that needless chaos doesn't happen. Normal, controlled chaos is fine with me, but why add needless chaos? I just hope Henry wasn't mad that "we don't plan" method was sabotaged. My number one priority was to make sure the kiddies would be fed and entertained. I shopped at Costco and Safeway for some essential breakfast food and toddler food. As for entertainment, I brought books, basket of toys, soft surface for kids to roll around on, alphabet mat, and the rest of the time, pretty much Uncle Dave took care of all the entertainment!

Anyways, I had a great time! Even though the only real time I can relax is when Abby is sleeping, I still had a generally relaxing and fun this this past weekend. My favorite part was when I walked in on the guys having a prayer meeting where they shared about what was going on in their lives and then prayed for each other. I didn't hear anything (because I forgot my glasses and one of my eye was swollen shut from a bug bite, and I really can't hear when I can't see), but it just warmed my heart to think that these guys really care about each other. I'm glad my husband has great friends like them that will surely last a lifetime.

Abby Speaks

2007-07-14T12:55:00.000-07:00

The following is a list of some of the vocabulary words that Abby says nowadays. Now, at first glance, the novice might say "Come on! Puh-lease! That's not saying real words. They all sound alike! How can you tell what she's saying?" Well, that's when I have to step in and say, "It's all about context."

boo-boo: any kind of minor scratch
boo-buh: blueberries
bubba: bubbles
bah: book
buh: bird
baa: the sound of a sheep
ba!: ball
baa!: balloon
buppa: por favor, which means "please" in Spanish

She'll point to her bandaid and say "boo-boo" and "aya" to let me know that she got hurt and it's quite painful. She'll point to blueberries and say "boo-buh," and I promptly ask, "What do you say?" To which she replies with "buppa," accompanied by the sign for "thank you."

It's really fun watching Abby develop her language/communication skills. That's the part I love about parenthood so far. I'm in charge of educating her, shaping her, and influencing her in all different ways. I have the power to make sure she turns out polite. I have the power to influence her thinking about God and other people. I need to teach her the right ways. With great power comes great responsibility. Very true! I could be very irresponsible and teach her the "wrong ways." For example, I could say to her that she's supposed to pick her nose every time she meets someone. And she'll do it. But then I will have ruined her whole entire social life, possibly affecting her chances of getting married, and she'll be very mad at me.

Perhaps that was an outrageous example. But does the reader get my point? With great power comes great responsibility. I am in awe of that every single day.

Abby is Walking!

2007-04-27T23:58:00.000-07:00

Two days ago, Abby started taking three steps on her own. Before it had been steps with aid from people and props. But she took three wobbly steps before collapsing delightfully into my arms. Then yesterday she took 5-7 steps. She would stand up, beaming with delicious pride, and then take a couple of tentative steps, followed by some quick ones at the end.

Overall, I feel great about her gaining independence. It's so amazing how the physical separation is so apparent, from birth to weaning from nursing to walking away on her own. My little girl is growing up, and I'm excited to see it!

She signs "please" like crazy. It's her universal sign for anything that she wants. Sometimes she'll wail loudly for something that she wants, such as to be held so that she could reach the blinds. I look at her and say, "Say please, Mommy." Then she immediately stops and starts rubbing her chest furiously in a circular motion with her palm, smiling broadly. It's like a game to her. I like how I don't have to listen to her wail, but it has become ridiculous. She sits there and signs "please" from across the room. And I don't even notice until a couple minutes later. She doesn't get that you're supposed to sign things once you've made eye contact. In fact, she frequently waves to people to mean hello when they're not looking.

Poor Abby! I totally understand this behavior. I do this all the time. I often say things to people at the wrong moment, and I'm left hanging. I try to enter conversations from across the room, and end up commenting to myself.

The Quest to Sleep Earlier

2007-04-16T23:00:00.000-07:00

Lately Danny and I have been trying really hard to go to sleep early. Danny starts off the evening saying, "We're going to be in bed by 9:30pm." And I try really hard to believe that that's going to be true. But it never is true. I wonder why Danny is so extreme sometimes. We're used to sleeping at midnight, on average. If that's the case, why choose 9:30pm as a goal? Why not 11:30pm? I think I've suggested it before, but he'll insist, "I'm exhausted. I need to sleep. We're going to bed at 9:30pm."

But I'll be supportive. 9:30pm it is. That's our goal. To be in bed by 9:30pm. Tonight, it was a little off. I'm writing this at 11:56pm. There's always tomorrow.

A Moment in the Frozen Food Aisle II

2007-04-06T00:13:00.000-07:00

I realized that I never talked about my "moment" in the frozen food aisle in my last post! So here it goes...

I went to the Korean grocery store to buy some groceries. I had just picked up Abby from daycare and I hadn't seen her all day. So we spent time reconnecting while she rode happily in the shopping cart. I went over all the tricks she knows, reviewed all the body parts she knows (her favorite is still belly button), and even sang some songs to her, while grabbing some green onion here and soft tofu there.

When we got to the frozen food aisle, she suddenly reached out her arms to me. At first I thought she was done riding in the cart and wanted to "go down." However, as I drew close, she wrapped her little arms around me as much as she could, and lay down her head on my stomach. She just wanted to give me a hug! So, I hugged her back, and then she promptly started patting her hand on my back because that's how we always comfort her: pat pat pat. As she pat pat patted me, we had our "moment." Right there in the frozen food aisle, next to the meat and kimchee dumplings.

A Moment in the Frozen Food Aisle

2007-04-03T23:38:00.000-07:00

I went shopping for a total of four hours today! My purchases: Stride Rite shoes for Abby, Shiseido compact, Shiseido shimmering lipstick, Shiseido blemish concealer, gift for Abby's friend's birthday, two pajamas for Abby, khaki blazer for me, a make-up/toiletry bag, dulce de leche latte, a petite vanilla scone, jacket for Abby, robe for Abby plus slippers, sippy cups for Abby, reclining chair for the floor, and pink leggings for Abby.

A true shopping spree!

Those of you who know me know that I take FOREVER purchasing an item. I have to research it, look at it up close, weigh all the pros and cons, and then do the "love test," which is to leave it behind for said number of hours/days, and then finally buy it.

Today, I put Abby in daycare, and decided it was time to go to the mall and buy something. Over the past one and a half years I've collected gift cards, always tentative about using them because I needed to make the perfect purchase. Having so many gift cards in my purse was driving me crazy! So I had to take action. And I took it.

Out of all the items I bought today, I spent a total of $36 out-of-pocket. Everything else was through gift cards and/or exchange. This is totally unheard of. The make up and blazer alone would total about $200! Wow. Thank you to all who have given me a gift card in previous years to Nordstrom, Gymboree, GAP, Starbucks, Target, Sephora, American Express Giftcard, and Macy's. I've used up everything except for the Gymboree giftcard and the Starbucks giftcard. Whew.

I had a lot of fun! I took my time. I compared prices. I returned items and adjusted prices so that I could get the maximum out of all my purchases.

Painful Year

2007-02-10T22:18:00.000-08:00

I guess I haven't written in a while. I meant to write in the new year, but I got too busy, and then after a while, it gets harder and harder to start writing again.

I have done some reflecting on this past year and a half. I would say that 2006 (and part of 2005) was the hardest year of my life.

1. Morning Sickness
Just thinking about that time when I was doubled over, staring into the toilet... it amazes me that women who go through bad morning sickness can do it all over again. I remember I was holding onto a single thread of hope that somehow this sickness was going to turn into a beautiful human being. It was 3-4 months of nausea, throwing up, and general ickiness. Chris Tomlin's "Indescribable" was a song that I kept listening to over and over, to somehow convince myself that the God who made the "stars in the sky" and who "know(s) me by name" already had a plan for all this. Even as I was in the emergency room with an IV to rehydrate my body, I somehow believed that things would work out. I took a spiritual gifts inventory recently, and faith was up there as one of my gifts. It probably came in handy during this time.

2. Labor/Delivery
When labor finally came, it was everything that women told me it would be, except with bite! It was just one of those things that you actually had to go through in order to truly understand what it was. I still can't fully explain how a contraction feels. But it's just painful. But I will say this. For me, I knew with certainty that labor wouldn't last for more than three days. My whole labor/delivery ordeal lasted about 30 hours. I was a trooper, if I do say so myself. It was painful, but I took the pain, and then it was over.

3. Postpartum/Nursing
I think this is the part that a lot of women don't talk about as much. Everyone knows to be scared of morning sickness and labor/delivery. But not everyone knows that postpartum and nursing should be things to be scared of the most. I couldn't decide which was worse, 16 weeks of postpartum stuff/nursing or 16 weeks of morning sickness. I think I recently decided that postpartum/nursing was more painful.

The reasons are many:

1) Trying to go pee or poo after birth was a screaming kind of pain.

2) Pressure of nursing (societal) and getting it right (blisters, bleeding, engorgement, chafing, clogged ducts, etc.) was so not fun.

3) Emotionally, I was so down in the dumps, and very volatile

4) Sleep deprivation (whereas during morning sickness days I was able to just think about myself, during postpartum I had to think of my baby as well)

5) People not knowing that postpartum is so difficult, whereas with morning sickness when you tell people that you're sick, they might know what that feels like. I couldn't really explain to people who asked how I was doing that I actually was not feeling that great.

"My nipples are bleeding at this time."
"I just went pee and now I think I'm burning to death."

I think people expected that mothers may be a bit sleep-deprived, but I think for me, there was so much going on emotionally and mentally, on top of what was happening physically. This takes me into the next topic.

4. Relationships
My relationships suffered this past year.

a. Mother - On top of everything I was going through physically, emotionally, and mentally, here was my sweet mother trying to help me out the best way she knew how. Her knowledge base was all things Korean, and I just wasn't ready to receive all things Korean. We got into a lot of fights, and a lot of tears were shed.

b. Friends - I got into a lot of misunderstandings with friends. Some were mended, and some were not. My life was in major transition, and for sure things were going to change. I was not prepared sufficiently for the change that would happen with friends. I'm still grieving the loss of some friends. But one thing I realized is that I can not, and WILL not hold onto any bitterness. I know what bitterness does to a person. I've seen what it does to a person. And I refuse to let Satan have a foothold in my life. So when a friend is gone from my life, for whatever reason, I just make sure that I don't hold any grudge or bitterness.

c. Danny - I'm sure Danny was going through his own kind of transition into fatherhood. I think I didn't fully realize what that would look like. I was hyper-focused on myself. I'm sick. I'm tired. I'm this and that. I just expected him to be there for me fully. And he disappointed me. We went through our greatest ups and greatest downs this past year. It was very painful. It just shook my world (and my ego) to think that we need a lot of help as a couple.

6. Motherhood
For the first 5 months, I was stressed out. I was stressed when Abby started crying. I was stressed about swaddling her just right. I was stressed about finding daycare for Abby when I went back to work outside the home. I was stressed about her sleep schedule. I was stressed about breaking her fragile body. I thought about all the possible horrible things that could happen to her. I really had to turn to God for help on this one. I'm still learning how to treat Abby as a gift from God. Everything I do for her, I need to do it excellently, but then entrust the rest to God. That's the skill of mothering that I'm continually trying to hone.

Gosh, if you've read this far, then I applaud you. I just wanted to write down my reflections before I forget.

Crazy Food

2006-12-01T00:25:00.000-08:00

Tonight I had leftover rice and some random Korean side dishes for dinner, while feeding Abby her dinner of Earth's Best peas with brown rice and a big cube of soft tofu, the kind you would use to make soondooboo. Then, after putting her to sleep, I boiled some water and ate some Shin Ramen in a cup. Wow, that was great! It hit the spot on a cold wintry-like day. While watching "Overboard" and folding laundry, I suddenly wanted Rice Krispies treats, but realized that we didn't have any marshmallows. SO, what did I do? I got a bowl of Rice Krispies, a giant scoop of crunchy peanut butter, and some mini Hershey's bars from our leftover Halloween candy stash, and had a grand ol' time. It was yummy delicious. But now I feel totally bloated, my teeth feel sugary, and I'm tired because it is now way past midnight.

I need guidance and direction in my life.

Baby Hair

2006-11-07T23:26:00.000-08:00

Interestingly enough, this post is about the baby hair that is growing on my head! Not my baby's hair, or lack thereof, actually.

With nursing comes all kinds of strange and wonderful experiences. For the first six months, my hair fell out like crazy. I don't know the physics of it all, but there was just one too many hair falling out. I would run my hand through my hair, and out came a handful of hair. I would blow dry my hair after a shower, and it would blow a handful of hair out. It was not pleasant. I would lean over in Abby's crib, and all of a sudden, flutter flutter flutter. There goes three strands of hair, now landing all over Abby. But around seven months, something even more weird started happening. New hair started growing on my head! Right alongside my hairline, all these little baby hairs are sticking out. Other friends who are in similar situations are experiencing the same thing. I haven't had baby hair since third grade.

Danny thinks it's cool. I guess I should be thankful that my hairline is increasing, and not the opposite. It's not like fathers get a fresh new batch of hair to replace their missing strands. Hey, but no complaints, right, men? A small bonus for mothers, who do all the hard work with the nursing.

OLD NAVY

2006-09-27T00:57:00.001-07:00

I have found it! There's now an Old Navy right next to Nordstroms at Valley Fair Mall. For the longest time I was saying that there should be a variety of colors for girl babies' clothing, such as black and gray. And boy was I pleasantly surprised to find that Old Navy has that! Solid colors galore! I love it. Now Abby and I can match: long sleeved black shirt and jeans. I didn't actually buy any of the black and gray yet - I'm still waiting for Abby's hair to get a little longer so that I can put a clip in her hair. And she has plenty of clothes for now, thanks to Ellie and her two grandmothers. But once I start being the main shopper of clothes for Abby, I think Old Navy is the place to be. Plus, the clothes are cheap!

An Update

2006-09-16T21:28:00.000-07:00

I started working a couple days a week. It's been crazy hectic for me. For one, it's been a shock to my system to wake up at 5:45am or earlier, depending on when the baby decides to wake up. And, I can't afford to wake up late anymore. Even though I really love and trust the daycare that we chose, there's a little part of me that stays guilty for leaving her.

On the other hand, it forces me to be a super responsible, focused, and productive teacher. I have to leave school no later than 4:30pm in order to pick up Abby. Before, I had the freedom to leave whenever I wanted to. Now, every minute counts. I don't have time to dilly dally. No time to check my personal email. I have to set aside time to go and pump. This is important because it's the main source of nourishment for my child!

In addition, since I am job-sharing, it is essential that I keep track of everything that happens in the classroom because I need to tell my partner about it. As a teacher, I have never been so organized and so accountable to another person for my actions and decisions. Teaching is usually a solo effort. Sure you can plan with other teachers, but in the end the one teacher is in charge of what happens in the classroom. Sharing a teaching position has forced me to reflect on my lessons, and write down all of my student observations.

So I feel like I'm a better teacher. And I also feel like I'm a better mother because the time that I do get to spend with Abby, I'm totally attentive. If my part-time job were something I mildly enjoyed, I don't think it would be worth it to work outside the home. But because I love to teach, this job-share situation is ideal for me.

OK, so it's only been two weeks. Talk to me around December and see how I feel!!!

Narcissism and Abby Food

2006-08-26T02:30:00.000-07:00

I think it's hilarious that both Danny and I think that our own blogs are hilarious. I sometimes sit here and read one of my old entries, and I say out loud, "Haha! Good one!" Or I'll just sit here thinking, "Wow, how witty of me to have written that." Danny would see the big smile on my face, and ask, "What's so funny? Are you reading one of your old entries again?" Danny, being the master programmer that he is, has now built a new feature on his page whereby if you click on it, you get a random entry he'd written, along with all the comments posted from people. This "Random Entry" link is basically the same thing I do, except it's more nerdy. We just have a blast thinking we're all that.

Anyways, on to Abby. She has started solid foods!!! So according to the books, you're supposed to introduce one food at a time so that you can figure out if your baby is allergic to that particular food. I started out with rice cereal. Everything seemed fine, except that she had major constipation. Poor little grunting girl! Apparently, a teaspoon of prune juice diluted in milk should do the trick. We'll see... Tomorrow she will taste avocado. As I was pureeing the avocado to a nice smooth consistency, I had a thought that horrified me. This avocado is not organic!!! Oh well. Just don't tell my mother-in-law.

Then I wondered what kind of a mother I was going to be, in terms of providing food. This book that I'm reading, Super Baby Food, is sometimes over-the-top, according to Lorraine, and I'm seeing why. For example, it recommends growing your own food. It's one thing to make your own baby food, but to grow your own raw ingredients?? I don't know. Maybe it's just that anything I've ever tried to grow has died. The other thing is, I don't have time to be that kind of mom. My motto will be: Do the best that I can, and make sure I do it for all my kids. This latter clause really grounds me. I know that it definitely will be an entirely different experience with my other kid(s), but some things I want to try and keep the same. I can give all my kids store-bought organically grown food. I can puree a couple of fruits and vegetables here and there. I will not raise my own cow, churn my own butter, or plant my own garden (I'll hire someone to do this if we have a nice backyard one day).

Anyways, after the avocado introduction, I was thinking of introducing KIMCHEE!

New York Trip

2006-08-14T00:42:00.000-07:00

abbywedding
Originally uploaded by jieungrace.

Flying with an infant is not so fun. LA trips are ok because a one hour flight is nothing. However, a six hour flight is not too pleasant for all parties involved. I felt really bad for the teenage girl sitting next to me and Danny. Abby slept for most of the flight, but the several hours that she was awake, there was much fussing and crying and wailing.

Anyways, this is a shot of Abby at Marshall and Connie's wedding. When she's in a new situation with new people, she gets really clingy to mommy and daddy. People wanted to hold her and admire her and coo at her, but she gave them nothin. The most she'd do was stare calmly, if in Mommy's or Daddy's arms.

I just love getting to know who Abby is. She is her own person. It's startling to realize that your little girl is not a replica of your own self, and yet it's exciting to see how my influence on her development marks her as my own.

So far I'm finding that she's shy with strangers, doesn't like big crowds, hates being the center of attention, and she's introverted. Wait a second, am I talking about Abby, or DANNY? Ha! They have similar personalities, for sure. It's cute.

One thing about having an infant: when you walk into a store or a restaurant holding your child, you get a LOT of attention. You can hear whispers of "Oh, how cute!" or "Look at those little toes!" Other people simple walk up to you and ask, "How old is he?" I usually respond by saying, "SHE is 4 months old." Anyways, I love the attention we get. I actually enjoy random interactions with strangers, most of the time, when it's not with creepy men. But I realized that Abby probably doesn't enjoy them as much as I do.

Flickr

2006-08-11T21:15:00.000-07:00

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

Sacred Hours from 9pm to 2am

2006-08-01T01:13:00.000-07:00

If you've ever noticed the time stamps on my blog entries, you'll see that they're written mostly from the hours of 9pm to 2am. Occasionally I'll sneak in an entry during one of Abby's naps during the day. I crave my alone time. During this time, I eat at a normal pace, shower at a normal pace, check email, upload pictures on flickr, read other peoples' blogs, pump milk, read, watch TV, pay my bills, write thank you cards, wash the dishes, pick up toys, take out the trash, tidy up the rooms, and spend time with Danny. Basically, my life resumes at night.

You can begin to wonder about some of the problems that arise from this routine.

Two of the chores that are pretty tricky to complete are cleaning the baby room (the baby is in there sleeping!) and doing laundry (since the laundry room in our apartment complex closes at 10pm, and I need about 2 hours). I have to muster up enough energy during the day to do these chores with the baby attached to me on a bjorn, or just slip away while the baby is playing with toys.

I don't get enough sleep. If I sleep at 2am, and the baby wakes up at 6:30am, that's only 4 hours. Now, potentially, I can get 9 hours of sleep if I go to bed right when I put the baby to bed. But therein lies the problem. I can't sleep at such an early hour! I would be lying in bed with my eyes wide open until about midnight or 1am. That would mean that I wasted 3 to 4 hours of productivity. I guess I could always go to bed at midnight and get about 6 and a half hours of sleep. That's ultimately my goal, but it's so hard to break a habit.

I was sooo happy when I discovered a fellow night owl. Jenny, of George and Jenny. She text messaged me at around midnight last month to ask if they could bring something over for dinner the next day. I was like, "Woa! She's still up???" I was so excited that I decided to text her back immediately. The next night, we talked about how we're both night owls, rather sheepishly, because it's so not appropriate to be a night owl in this society. We're a minority. I'm talking about post-college. We are discriminated against institutionally. Schools start at 8am! People go to work at 7-8am!

Anyways, I'm wondering when does everyone else go to bed? Am I a lone owl? Hoot. Hoot...

Sleep Training

2006-07-30T01:09:00.000-07:00

Parents are split over the issue of training their infants to sleep. Some are gungho about letting the child cry it out. Others are all about attending to their every cry and making sure the infant is asleep before laying them down in their cribs.

Before I had a child I was like, "Of course let her cry it out!" Ch. And then Abby was born. How could I, her mother, her protector, let her cry for more than five minutes?? I understand that line of reasoning. For the past four months, we've been doing a combination approach where we would put her down drowsy, sometimes with a pacifier, sometimes swaddled in a miracle blanket, sometimes dead asleep, sometimes this and sometimes that. Even if she was able to go through the night without food, she still would wake up a couple of times due to gas, noise, or whatever. Combine that with the fact that I don't actually go to bed until around 2am (I'm a night owl), and the result is that I haven't really slept for more than five hours at one time for the past four months. But I'm not complaining. I'm just telling it like it is. I usually make up for the sleep debt during the day by taking multiple naps.

Anyways, at Abby's 4 month appointment, the doctor declared that Abby was a very healthy baby. She's got rolls of fat, she's reached plenty of milestones (like rolling over), and she makes all kinds of new noises (including a shriek that resembles what one would imagine a velociraptor sounded like). Sooooo, Danny and I decided that Abby shall now cry herself to sleep. That sounds so harsh to me when I say it, but there's no reason why she shouldn't be able to soothe herself now.

Problem: But what if she rolls over and gets her arm stuck and can't breathe?
Solution: We put these wedges next to her body on both sides so that she can't roll over. Bought them at Target. I figure when she has mastered rolling over on both sides she won't need them anymore. Plus, it is good to put your infant to sleep on her back (I put her on her tummy for naps only now).

Problem: But what if she's going through a growth spurt and crying because she's hungry?
Solution: This is a big question for me because as the sole giver of nutrition for my child, I'm always worrying about if I'm doing an OK job. But let's face the facts. She's pretty huge. The doctor says she's in the 75th percentile for her weight. In addition, people at church have referred to her as "fatso," "chubby," "gargantuan," "sumo wrestler," and the like. You can't deny that she's getting enough to eat. So if she's hungry, I'm sure it's not going to be a big deal. As for growth spurts, someone told me that even if babies go through growth spurts, they can still sleep through the night. They can just eat more frequently during the day.

Problem: What if she's afraid of the dark and she's crying out of fear?
Solution: We thought of getting a nightlight, but haven't quite gotten it yet. Perhaps it's true, but it's not likely.

Problem: What if she doesn't know how to soothe herself?
Solution: Before Abby discovered that she can suck her fingers to soothe herself, I did not believe in letting her "cry it out." It would have just been literally tiring yourself out by crying, and not knowing how to soothe yourself. But now, she knows how to suck her fingers, and when she stops crying or fussing long enough to remember that she knows how to soothe herself, she'll do it and she'll fall asleep. The only way we would've known this is to just try it out one day. We did, and eventually she found her fingers, and she was able to calm down. Although it took her one hour of crying. Of course, we would check on her every five minutes or so to make sure that she was OK.

Problem: What if she needs to burp and can't do it on her own?
Solution: We try to make sure that we burp her before she goes to sleep. And if she's still uncomfortable due to gas, then eventually she'll spit up and it'll be fine. It might a little bit messy, but it's not the end of the world.

So anyways, even if there are solutions to the many problems I worry about, I STILL worry. We started this "cry it out" approach this week, and every time I put her down, my heart breaks. Did I feed her enough? Is it too early to put her down? Does she want to stay up just a little longer? Is she in pain and I just don't know it? Is a bug biting her? Is she bleeding and screaming her head off to warn me? Did I change her diaper? Is the tag on her clothes bothering her? Will her vocal cords be ruined? Am I a BAD mother? Is this really necessary? Can't I just hold her all night? Why can't she just sleep with me? Does she feel abandoned? These are just examples of some of the questions I ask myself.

On the plus side, she seems to sleep better if she's left to soothe herself to sleep. So I know that our little method is helping her, but I am holding my breath every night until she's sound asleep. It takes anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour of crying. Will it get better? Should we try a different approach? Will the madness of questions end?

Hot, Doctor's Appointment, Hair

2006-07-25T00:33:00.000-07:00

OK, why is it so freaking hot? The Bay Area is not prepared for such weather. At least in Houston or LA everyone is equipped with a working central air conditioner. Here, it's like, people are sleeping over at other peoples' homes, fixing their AC, or moving into the one room of the house that has AC. The last kind of people are us. Danny and I and Abby have been sleeping in the living room/kitchen area. You can close the door so that the cold air stays in. I feel like we've been quarantined or something.

I went to the doctor's today for Abby's 4 month appointment. I knew she was long, but she's a Whoppin' 27 inches, which puts her in the 100th percentile. My immediate thought was, "Oh no, what if she's that girl in school who's the tallest in her class?" I say oh no because I read somewhere that tallness is socially a good thing for boys in school, but not so much for a girl. Usually tallness is closely associated with developing earlier. If you have a girl in a sixth grade classroom that's already matured, and a boy who's already tall and matured, the boy is more likely to have social success than the girl. So I've read. Anyways, after thinking this initially, I was glad that we have such a healthy little girl. Our pediatrician is a Christian, so we pray after every visit, thanking the Lord for Abby's health.

And then she got her shots. Poor girl, didn't know the needles were coming. She was just waking up from her nice nap. And then Wham! Zap! Pow! I know they're necessary and good, but it's so heartbreaking!!!! But she was good. She only cried a little bit.

So my hair is really nice, .... when I have time to make it look nice!!! Which is never. I have these bangs which are great if you spend time blow-drying it and styling. If not, they're just annoying and in your face all the time. What was I thinking???

I Got Bangs!!!

2006-07-09T01:52:00.000-07:00

I get my hair cut once a year. For women, maintaining hair is expensive. Danny goes to a place called Lisa's Perfect Cuts and get his hair cut for 8 dollars. Apparently, several men from our smallgroup go there as well. They all bonded over how cheap it is - there were smiles all around.

So anyways, I went to get my hair cut at Mission 6 and I decided to get bangs. I chose the most non-ahjoomma cut I could imagine. Ever wonder why ahjoommas tend to have short boycut hair? It's because kids grab onto their mommies' hair when they're held! So now I have a long layered cut, complete with bangs. Totally non-ahjooma, but completely accessible for hair-grabbing by Abby. In fact, because it's layered, Abby has multiple access points; if she doesn't grab the top layer, then she still has like three more chances until the length of hair ends. Oh well. Another sacrifice for beauty. Ah. What women will do for the sake of beauty. And it's not like because I got this haircut, I'm automatically beautiful. Achieving the intended look requires about an hour of blow-drying, training new bangs to be independent of the rest of the hair, hair-spraying, and gelling. I don't have that kind of time every day.

The last time I had bangs was when I was four years old.

OK, now I'm boring myself to death. Got to stop.

I Don't Get Poetry

2006-07-05T17:53:00.000-07:00

I've been meaning to write about this for awhile. I just don't get poetry. I guess I'm not wired that way, or I'm just hopelessly uncultured. Whenever I come across a poem that is written by someone I know, I'm amazed. It's like, wow, how did they come up with such beautiful sounding language, of which I know not the meaning?

I can relate to Monica on Friends. There was one episode when she was dating this dude who wrote a poem about an empty vase. Monica thought it was great, took it literally, and decided to give her guy an empty vase for a present. But Phoebe comes up and says, "Hello! This poem is about you! You're an empty vase. Pretty to look at, but nothing inside." Something like that. Monica gets mad and confronts him. It turns out that he was referring to all American women. ANYWAYS, I feel like Monica sometimes.

The reason why I was thinking about this recently is because my mom and older brother both have blogs, and they sometimes write poetry on their blogs. My mom especially is a prolific poet. When she was here for the first three weeks of Abby's life, she was constantly getting inspired by Abby and posting poems online like crazy. I read some of them, and I just don't get how you put words together like that. Is anyone with me? It must be partly genetic because my older brother enjoys writing and reading poems as well. What happened to me and Jibin?

I can name a few of my friends who are very poetic and writes poetry all the time. I say great for you and poo for me. I'm not jealous necessarily. I guess it's just a world that I don't get, and I'm fine with not getting it. I just have to accept that the fact that I'm not good at EVERYTHING. haha. In fact, I remember on the AP English exam there was a poem we had to read and then analyze it. That was the hardest thing ever. My friend turned to me after the exam and asked something like, "Wasn't that poem about the garden really hard?" I looked at my friend blankly and said, "What garden? There was a garden?" Whoops. Needless to say, I think I got a 2 or a 3 on that exam.

Ahjoomma

2006-06-15T18:01:00.000-07:00

Today, as I was sitting alone (with Abby in stroller) in front of Fantasia, enjoying a nice green milk tea with pearls, I came upon a sudden realization. I'm an ahjoomma now. Growing up, I think Korean Americans all associated the word ahjoomma with a woman who has a short haircut and perm, usually wearing "mom" jeans that hike up all the way up to the waist, and can be spotted picking her teeth with a toothpick in public whilst sporting a very wide-brimmed hot pink visor, an oversized fake Louis Vuitton purse, and sandals with socks. Come on, you've all seen them. Some of them are your mothers!!! My mother is a classic ahjoomma.

But in actuality, the term ahjoomma refers loosely to a woman who is married and has kids. If you're unmarried and still young, you're called "aghashee" or "chunyuh" (which directly translated means "virgin" in English). I remember having these titles from about the end of high school to when I got married. When you're newly married and young (for about the first two years), you're called "shekshee," which is uncannily like the word "sexy" in English.

What if you're not married and have kids? You're an "ahjoomma." The rule is, if you have kids, you're automatically an "ahjooma." What if you're married and never have kids? Somewhere along the way, you become "ahjoomma." What if you're single and not that young, and haven't gotten married? Then you're referred to as "no-chunyuh," which means "old virgin" when directly translated. But this is not something you call someone to their face. I've only heard it in reference to people, when they're not in the same room. It's not supposed to be a good thing in Korean culture, to be a "no-chunyuh." But whatever. It's the 2000s. Let's get over it. If you're in this category, you're eventually called "ahjoomma," because it would be rude and very inappropriate to call you "no-chunyuh."

So this realization that I'm officially an ahjoomma didn't depress me, like I thought it would. I accept this title with pride. Yes, I'm married, no longer "shekshee," and yes, I have a child. I'm AHJOOMMA. However, I say let's re-define what ahjoomma stands for. How about low-rise jeans, medium-length layered hair, a real Kate Spade diaper bag, and no wide-brimmed hot pink visor? Just a little sunblock would do, really.

Anyone with me? Who out there is an ahjoomma? Come on, raise your hand. Be proud of it.

Loan Consolidation

2006-06-13T18:21:00.000-07:00

I don't know why I'm so nice to telemarketers and other random people who call to inform me about loan consolidation opportunities. Today I lost a little patience. This woman called to tell me about consolidating my loans by July 1st.

Woman: Is Mrs. Chai there?
Me: This is she.
Woman: I'm calling to tell you about your student loans. You can consolidate.....
Me: I'm sorry to interrupt, but I'm not interested.
Woman: Why aren't you interested in consolidating your loans?
Me: Thank you for calling, but I'm not interested.
Woman: I'm not trying to sell you anything. By July 1st, you can consolidate.....
Me: Thank you for informing me about the loan consolidation, but I already know about it.
Woman: Then why aren't you interested in consolidating your loans?
Me: I'm not interested in talking to you about it.

(At this point, I feel really bad that I had to tell her my true feelings. But on the other hand, I feel like I'm nicer than other people who just hang up.)

Woman: I'm sorry to have bothered you.
Me: No problem. Have a nice day!

(I'm trying to let her know that there are no hard feelings. I know she's just doing her job. Maybe I should've just hung up? Or maybe I should use the line that my mom uses: "No speak English.")

By the way, anyone know what's happening with the loan consolidation thing and why July 1st is so significant? I've already consolidated, but can you RE-consolidate??

Daddy's Little Girl

2006-05-31T14:58:00.000-07:00

It really is amazing how fast babies grow. This first picture was taken the first week Abby came home. She fit perfectly on Danny's lap, and didn't really do much. She just stared and stared, barely aware of her surroundings. She had great attention span for an infant her age. And Danny would read to her so that she would recognize his voice. He read somewhere that babies like low, deep voices, so here he is reading from Nehemiah in a low, deep voice. She is absolutely enthralled by him. It's really precious. I just had to take a picture of them bonding together like this. It warmed my heart.

Time flies when you're having fun, they say. In this next picture, Abby is an alert 2-month old who's ready to socialize with the world. As you can see, her legs hang over to one side, and pretty soon she won't fit on our laps nice and evenly. Ever since she started smiling back at us, Danny hasn't stopped turning on the grin machine. He often exaggerates his smiles so that Abby will really understand how she's supposed to imitate him. She absolutely adores him and always smiles back at him. I love this picture because it shows a dedicated father who loves his daughter like crazy. I mean, how can you not smile back at this?

Baby Blues

2006-05-24T11:46:00.000-07:00

We went to LA this past weekend. I was so nervous about flying on the plane with an infant, but it turned out OK. This is one of my favorite pictures from the weekend. Abby and Warren bumping heads, but having no idea that they're next to each other. Warren is Norma's second son. We all had lunch at their place. There were five adults, three infants, and one toddler. It was great seeing old friends and sharing a meal together. But it's just not the same anymore. Mothers are constantly concerned about their little ones. I'm wolfing down my food so that I'll be ready at a moment's notice to attend to Abby, Karen is chasing after Aaron to make sure he doesn't run into a wall or fall down the stairs, and Norma is disciplining Aidan while Warren starts to fuss for his nap. There are all kinds of gadgets/toys everywhere, and "Blues Clues" is on in the background. It's hard to carry on a conversation. I don't feel like I really know what's going on in Sangsoo's life. What are Norma's deepest desires? What does Karen struggle with lately? No clue.

I've been reading this book called Tender Mercy for a Mother's Soul. It said something interesting that I relate to strongly:

"Loving my children can fill me up, but some days, it will completely empty my soul. To raise children means that you are constantly giving - all of your energies, all of your emotion, all of your time. Often I realize that my well is empty, my mind is numb, and my heart is heavy. There is nothing left for anyone. I am given out."

I am a people-pleaser and an extrovert. I love serving others emotionally. But lately, I'm empty. I'm all given out. My other roles have been put to a halt. I know I was once a wife. I remember serving my husband. I used to cook and clean the house. I know I was once a good friend. I remember calling people, writing letters, and making appointments.

Lately, I tend to hang out with other mothers because we all have an understanding. I don't have to apologize as much. I attended a breastfeeding mothers support group in order to hang out with other people whose attention gets distracted every 15 minutes. I was in line at the grocery store the other day and I saw a magazine featuring Jennifer Garner and her daughter Violet. I immediately thought, "Oh, we should hang out." Ha.

Anyways, I just feel empty. The book goes on to say that the emptiness needs to be filled with God. So yeah, that's my struggle: to fill myself with God so that I can overflow, not only to my daughter, but to everyone around me. All the books warned of postpartum depression and postpartum blues. I think I experienced a little bit of the blues.

I look at this picture of Warren and Abby, and I wonder if they'll grow up knowing each other. I wonder if they'll be friends. Whatever happens, I know that for now, they're so cute I can't stand it! A little blues is worth it for a precious picture like this.

A Card

2006-05-13T00:36:00.000-07:00

Today I got three personal letters/cards. One in particular stood out. It was a card from Aunt Phyllis. On the front of the card, it reads: "It's amazing how one little person can change your whole world." Inside are four little words that just struck me like a ton of styrofoam bricks. (Not real bricks because it didn't shatter or break me, but I say bricks because it still had shock value. So I chose styrofoam because it's much softer than real bricks, but when you get a ton of them, I'm sure they weigh you down.) It said: "Happy First Mother's Day."

Woa. I'm a mother. I have a daughter. On Sunday the United States of America recognizes mothers as people to be celebrated. That's me. Celebrate me! It feels weird to be on the other side. I've always seen Mother's Day as a time to celebrate my mother, which I still do. But now I'm the recipient of the celebration. One day Abby will bring home a hand-made piece of artwork from Sunday School saying "Happy Mother's Day!" Or not. How fascinating.

Sleeping on Her Tummy

2006-05-10T15:59:00.000-07:00

So anyone who reads the latest literature on newborn care will discover that there's a big campaign for "back to sleep." Putting babies to sleep on their backs reduces significantly the risk for SIDS, which is Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. For the first three weeks we put Abby to sleep on her back. Of course, you can't just plop an infant down on her back and expect her to sleep! She has limbs that flail about without her knowing, and that startle her every minute. So, we were diligently swaddling her tightly in blankets. It was at times stressful because swaddling is a learned art, and unless you have a good swaddle, babies will get out of it, and end up not sleeping. Then the parents get upset and frustrated.

Enter mother-in-law. The first thing she did when she came to visit is to put Abby on her tummy when sleeping. She was adamant about it because she didn't want Abby to grow up with a flat head. I asked, "What about SIDS?" SIDS, Schmids. Her reasoning was that we were all raised on our tummies, so what's the big deal. So what was I supposed to do? Go against my mother-in-law?

So now Abby sleeps on her tummy. Sh! Don't tell anyone we do this. It's one of those things that you aren't supposed to tell your pediatrician or say out loud to other mothers. Kind of like if you're a Republican in California, keep it to yourself.

The results of Abby on her tummy have been great. She sleeps better and longer. The only problem is putting her in her crib without waking her. Imagine that she fell asleep in my arms with her tummy and face on my torso. How the heck am I supposed to switch her so that she ends up like that in the crib??? Well, every time I put her down, I would try a new method. There's the roll-over technique (she almost always wakes up with this technique), the flip-over technique (she almost always wakes up with this technique), and then there's the random-technique-that-works-but-I-can-never-replicate-again technique. Most of the time I just pray and have faith in God right before I put her in her crib that somehow she'll end up on her tummy and sleep well.

But today I learned a new technique from another mom. It's the face-plant technique! I was eager to come home and try it out. And...... it worked! It wasn't perfect, but now I have a technique to follow, and I'm sure I'll master it after a couple more tries. I'll still pray and have faith that God will allow her to sleep well because, hey, why not.

First Outing

2006-04-16T23:57:00.000-07:00

Our first outing together as a family was to church today, on Easter. I'm so relieved that it went well. I discovered the nursery at Baylight. I only vaguely knew it was there, but I never knew how well-organized and delightful it was in there. Go Baylight.

Anyways, my biggest fear when going out is that Abby will cry and won't stop, despite all my efforts to calm her. Why is this my biggest fear? Because I'm a people pleaser. I just feel bad for people around me to have to listen to her wails. It just stresses me out. If babies didn't cry, I would be so happy. I don't mind so much the waking up in the middle of the night, not getting enough sleep, changing diapers, and all the other stuff. But the crying makes me feel so nervous. It's like detective work.

But then again, how would I know to change her diaper if she didn't cry? How would I even wake up in the middle of the night if she didn't cry? I wish babies had little buttons to press to communicate their needs, instead of crying: WET DIAPER, HUNGRY, LONELY, SLEEPY, DIAPER RASH, DADDY STOP KISSING ME SO MUCH. Wouldn't that be great?

Two Kinds of Smiles

2006-04-14T00:32:00.000-07:00

I read somewhere that babies practice their smiles during their sleep for the first month. And then sometime in the second month they start using this powerful tool during their conscious state. So I noticed that Abby has two distinct smiles. One is from the Chai side of the family. It's this full on ear-to-ear grin, complete with gums/teeth showing and crescent-shaped eyes. It just melts my heart. The other one is from the Park side of the family. It's really just a smirk. She raises just the left side of her lips for about a second, and then goes back to normal. It's as if she heard a witty joke, and then responded with a sarcastic remark, accompanied by the smirk. Just like her uncles!!! I wish I could get a picture of it. It cracks me up.

Yahoo Socks

2006-04-11T20:54:00.000-07:00

The Chai household is very serious about supporting Yahoo. Even Abby. I took about 10 pictures trying to get the perfect shot. Thanks to our friend Tina Park who got us this precious gift. I decided Abby looks best in red and white.

Abigail Jinhee's Birth Story

2006-04-09T21:15:00.000-07:00

When I was in the hospital late at night nursing Abigail, on the second day of her life, I decided to tell her a story about the day she was born. As I told it to her, I began to weep. I guess it was a combination of hormones and delayed emotional response to her actual birth. You see, I was very calm and collected during delivery, and I was actually looking to Danny for emotional cues. When he got excited about crowning, I got excited. When he got nervous about the umbilical cord wrapped around Abby's head, I got nervous. And when he started crying (bawling) at the moment of birth, I cried, too. He experienced it all in the present. Perhaps because he wasn't drugged. Whatever the reason, my first reaction to Abigail was "Awwww.... it's a baby! How darling!" It wasn't until the second day, in the stillness of night, when Danny was sleeping on the couch, and the lights were out, that I got to feel all the emotions of the previous day while rocking and cradling my precious daughter close to my heart.

On Tuesday, March 21, 2006, the long-awaited DUE DATE, I woke up with a start at 6:00am. I groaned and turned over to Danny, saying, "I think I'm having a contraction." And sure enough, every 8 minutes, I had a contraction that lasted about 45 seconds. Of course the night before we had gone to bed at 4am because that's who we are. We are night owls and that's what we do. I had gotten 4 hours of sleep, and for the next 24 hours, I did not get a chance to sleep. So I got up and went about my day in spurts of 8 minutes. Every time I had a contraction, I bounced on my exercise ball, did some hee-hee-hooooo breathing technique, or tried some kind of laboring position I learned in childbirth classes. I felt excited, anxious, and scared. My attitude was, "This can't be that bad. Women have been doing this for centuries. I can do it, too. I've got to stay strong."

I went to my doctor's appointment at 11:00am, and I told my doctor that I'm in early labor, and that I've been having regular contractions every 8 minutes since 6:00am this morning. She didn't bat an eye, she didn't seem phased, and she didn't seem excited at all. Hello? I guess in my mind, I thought that since I had been in early labor now for five hours, I would probably deliver my baby in about five hours, 7 hours tops. But she thought my news was mundane. She checked me out, and said that my cervix has a dimple, meaning that it hadn't even started dilating. Great. Five hours of pain, and what did it show for? Nothing.

The rest of the day was spent bouncing on the exercise ball, taking walks with Danny, experiencing painful contractions every 7 to 8 minutes, and calling people in intervals of 8 minutes. My mom and dad had started driving up from LA in the morning. They arrived at around 5pm. We ate dinner, we talked, and everyone helped me through the contractions. One especially useful tool was this rice-filled sack that acted as a heating agent when cooked in the microwave for 3 minutes. Eddie came by to take my dad to the airport. He was en route to China.

The contractions were getting stronger and more painful, and they occurred more frequently as the night wore on. Finally at around 3:30am, when the contractions were coming every 3 minutes, Danny and I went to the hospital after I took one final shower. I thought for sure, after 16 more hours of laboring, I must be at least 5 cm, or ready for delivery. How naive. The doctor said I had dilated 1.5 cm! I nearly broke down crying. You see, the hospital does not admit you until you are 3 cm dilated. They usually send you home. But the doctor could see that I was in pain and had regular contractions, so she said that she would check me in one hour again. That hour was a nightmare! We had a nurse that was very brusque, almost making me cry, and I threw up my dinner all over the floor and my shoes. Not good times. Anyways, the doctor came by to check me again, and this time she said that I was 3 cm dilated, so that meant I could be admitted to the hospital.

Then the doctor asked me if I wanted an epidural. Danny and I looked at each other. I said, "That sounds about right." You see, my desire to go natural was a bit misguided. Sure, women have been doing it for centuries. But, according to a wise woman who's gone through three births, "Women have also been dying for centuries." The hospital is just not a place to go all natural. I say go to a birth center, or hire a doula or midwife to be with you at a hospital so that they can take over. Doctors and nurses are trained to give out medicine. They believe in its power. And so do I.

After receiving the epidural, it was cake. For the next six hours I dilated nicely, we both took naps, and we had wonderful nurses who took really good care of me. When the time came for pushing, the doctor on duty came into the room. I recognized her instantly. "Hey, did you go to Whitney?" She answered, "Yes!" It turns out that she's the older sister of one of my classmates from high school. So, in between contractions and pushing, we had a nice conversation about the "school of dreams," and caught up with Cerritos news. At 1:43pm, Abigail Jinhee Chai was born, in the presence of not only one Whitney alum, but TWO Whitney alums! Wow.

Emotional Danny

2006-03-13T18:48:00.000-08:00

Danny has been very emotional lately. We watched an episode of West Wing last night, and he was tearing up because it touched him that they were trying to "do the right thing." And then a couple of nights before that, his eyes welled up with tears as he played Keith Green's "Prodigal Son" on the piano. After playing, he started bawling (our wedding-esque) because it just touched him so much. I asked him was it your playing that touched you or God's heart for the prodigal son? Haha. Just kidding. And I just read his entry about a song and how he feels like crying every time he hears it.

Do guys go through hormonal changes? Does he have sympathy pregnancy hormones raging inside of him? I mean, it's perfectly normal for me to go through crying sessions, but for him, it's not the norm. In any case, I like it. When we were dating, he told me that he thought he didn't have tear ducts because he cried exactly two times in his life. I said, "Interesting." Since then, I've seen the waterworks turn on many times. Especially at our wedding. He and his dad (who officiated and was standing up there with us) were both a watery, snotty mess. :) Good times! I just think in general it's great to see men cry. It's sad that they're socialized not to. It's the greatest release of emotion in the world! I feel tons better after a good cry.

A Survey

2006-03-09T13:08:00.000-08:00

Two Names You Go By

1. Jieun

2. Ji

Two Parts of Your Heritage

1. Korean. I was born there. My relatives all live there. I speak the language and root for the Korean Olympic teams.

2. American. This is the country in which I grew up. My earliest memories are here. Most of my significant life events occurred here.

Two things that scare you

1. Labor and delivery.

2. Conflict and tension in a room.

Two Of Your Everyday Essentials

1. Washing my face, which is not something that everyone in the Chai household practices daily.

2. Checking email. I love getting personal email. I get so upset at all the spam I get. But I'd rather have spam waiting for me than to have nothing in my INBOX when I sign in. Sad.

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now

1. Red Stanford sweatshirt. It's a part of my sleepwear.

2. Fuzzy white slippers. I bought this pair at Macy's because our apartment is freakin' cold. I can't wait for the sun to shine into our lives.

Two of Your Favorite Bands or Musical Artists

1. Debbie Gibson

2. Whitney Houston

Two Things You Want in a Relationship

1. Conversation. It's important that I have things to talk about with the other person. Not just being the listener (which is my default mode), but to actually feel like the other person wants to listen to what I have to say as well.

2. Keeping in touch. It's important to me that Danny calls me throughout the day, or writes me an email, or AIMS me, etc. And vice versa. Same goes with friends.

Two Physical Things that Appeal to You

1. Clean lines. I like furniture that is classic.

2. Solid basic colors. You should have seen my wardrobe in high school. White, gray, navy blue, and black. I discovered red in college, and pink as a married woman, but my default mode is white, gray, navy blue, and black. Think JCrew and Gap back in 1994-1996.

Two of Your Favorite Hobbies

1. Reading. I've become a reader in recent years. When I'm into a good book, I feel like I'm taking a wonderful adventure. I actually go through a grieving process when I finish a book because I feel like I'll never find another good book to read.

2. Watching sit-coms. Ever since Family Ties and Growing Pains, I have loved watching situation comedies. I'm a fan of Friends and Everybody Loves Raymond lately. If any of those shows are on when I turn on the TV, then it's 30 minutes of smiling Jieun.

Two Things You Want Really Badly

1. Stand mixer. I should have registered for one when we got married, but I didn't know anything about the kitchen or cooking back then, so I had no idea what a great piece of machinery this was. The prices keep going up. Currently they run at $250!

2. A nice blazer. I haven't found one that I like.

Two Places You Want to go on Vacation

1. Austria. I want to go on the Sound of Music tour.

2. Hawaii. I've gone only once with my family. Not good times. I believe my brothers and I were all adolescents experiencing teenage angst and bad mood. I want to counter that experience with a good one.

Two Things You Want to Do Before You Die

1. Visit NK.

2. See my grandchild being born.

Two Things You Are Thinking About Now

1. Labor and delivery.

2. What does Abby look like? Whom does she resemble??

Two Stores You Shop At

1. Target. It's where you can whatever you need.

2. Macy's. A down-to-earth department store. Not shee-shee-foo-foo like some other places. I feel comfortable going here, and I'm not so aware of being underdressed. And the customer service here has improved greatly.

Two people You Haven't Talked To In A While

1. Jean Lee. My senior year roommate. I need to get her current address, but her phone number had changed, too, so I'm in the process of tracking her down.

2. Eunice Chu. I wonder how she's faring in Virginia.

Two favorite web sites

1. mail.yahoo.com. I love checking email.

2. babiesrus.com. I love updating my registry and checking out the latest baby products.

Two Favorite Sports

1. Softball. I'm actually pretty good. I have good aim and coordination. And I don't like running too much. Perfect!

2. Volleyball. I actually coached a sixth grade volleyball team back at Menlo School. And, I played in junior high before becoming a cheerleader for it. I love the adrenaline you feel when you're in ready position, and the moment you connect with the ball, it's a rush! I was a good bumper, horrible setter, and an even worse server. But I always enjoyed the teamwork aspect of sports like volleyball.

Two People who will fill this out

1. Karen

2. Jibin

Two things you did last night

1. Watched two episodes of West Wing. Dave and Tina Park both recommended this show to us. It's getting really good. I'm enjoying the dry wit and the depth of characters. I have a hard time following the politics, though.

2. Made curry for dinner. I was proud of the result! This time I didn't forget the potatoes, and I didn't overcook the ingredients. This has become one of my staples. I think I need to expand my repertoire, though. I always fear that Danny gets bored and tired of my cooking.

Two shows you like to watch

1. Friends. Come on! Chandler Bing. Monica. Ross and Rachel. Joey. And weird Phoebe. How can anyone not like to watch this show? Can it BE any better??

2. Everybody Loves Raymond. An Italian American family who deals with family/in-law troubles. It's very similar to Korean-American families, and because I can relate to the situations, I enjoy watching it. I think some of my other Korean-American friends have said that they dislike the show for that very same reason. It's just too close to home. They're not ready to laugh about it because they are in the thick of it.

Two places you like to go to:

1. Baskin Robbins. Jamoca ice cream. MMmmmmm.

2. Santana Row. Even it's only one street, I love walking down and taking in the scenery. I don't like the prices, though.

Two Favorite Subjects In (High) School:

1. Spanish. I first discovered my competence in learning languages through Spanish class. I loved conjugating verbs.

2. English.

Two Favorite Places to eat:

1. Lee's Sandwiches.

2. Galleria Market. This place holds a special place in my heart. The food here comforted me through many weeks of morning sickness and nausea pain.

Two things you like about yourself (physical):

1. Hair. Easily manageable.

2. Fingernails. Nice and long.

Two things you ate today:

1. Tangerines.

2. Leftover curry from last night.

Two people you last talked to:

1. Danny

2. My mom

Two Things You're doing tomorrow:

1. Driving up to Berkeley to visit Desiree and shop at Hold Everything. The stores in California are all closing down! The last one open is the one in Emeryville, until March 31st.

2. Attending smallgroup.

Letter-Writing

2006-03-04T18:14:00.000-08:00

Let's go back to keeping in touch the old-fashioned way: writing letters! I recently wrote a bunch of thank you cards. And in the process of finding the right words to say, and slapping on a stamp to send it to that special someone, I was reminded of my youth. I used to write letters when I was young. I remember sending Karen letters to her Cerritos home from my Cerritos home. Danny asked me how we kept in touch if she moved away from my street at age 6, and we never attended the same school afterwards. I guess I saw her at church on Sundays, but I think the key was letters! We sent each other letters and wrote about the boring details of our suburban lives. So anyways, I'm going to TRY to write some letters this year.

2006-03-01T15:02:00.000-08:00

Home stretch. Three more weeks until the DUE DATE. March 21st. Am I ready for the life change? Perhaps. I don't know! We'll see. I got an ultrasound done today, and found out that my baby is approximately 6 pounds. Everything looks normal. I'm just a little petite, that's all. Here I am with my co-worker. She's the Spanish teacher at my school. My students remarked that maybe her boy and my girl will someday get married. Wow! That's three engagements so far.

2006-02-25T01:12:00.000-08:00

Is it too much to require our children to play piano until they're sixteen (Danny says eighteen)? I mean, that's BASE level. We're not going to deprive them of any other activity, sport, or hobby (within reason). They just need to manage it alongside piano. I thought this was very reasonable.

But unfortunately, someone who's staying at our place who shall remain nameless, expressed his opinion about this matter and said that it's too much. He apparently had a traumatic experience with piano lessons that involved tension with parents, lying, cheating, stealing, and all things bad. Hm. Did anyone else have a bad experience with piano?

I think both Danny and I had good experiences with learning piano. I mean, I'll speak for myself. Sure, I pretended I was practicing all afternoon when my mom came home from work. I admit it. Sure, I got mad at her when she forced me to practice, sitting by my side and watching my fingers like a hawk to make sure they were properly curved. But somehow I see now the point of the discipline. Discipline is never fun when you are going through it, but you know that there is a purpose to it. Most of the time, you see it in hindsight. That's what makes discipline difficult. You sometimes don't see the point until later. My mom lovingly disciplined me. All those times that were "negative" - I now look back on them fondly. I guess I'm lucky that they weren't as traumatic as other peoples' experiences. And perhaps I had some internal motivation to help keep me going anyways.

I guess the key for us as parents is to foster a love of music in our children, and then have piano lessons as just the normal thing to do as a result of the love. But if the piano lessons have to occur first in order to cultivate the love, I'm all for it, too.

2006-02-13T23:56:00.000-08:00

This is my last week of school before I go on maternity leave. It's bittersweet. I love my kids, and I know they love me. So it's hard to leave. And I absolutely love my job. Every single aspect of it. However, I'm excited about this new stage of my life, and I'm eager to start it.

It's amazing the kind of support we're getting from friends with this new baby. It's sad not to have family around to help out, but I'm so thankful that we have an abundance of friends around us to help raise our child.

So I have a dillemma. My mother is coming to help out for a month, and she's been saying all kinds of scary things. For example, it is customary in Korean culture to stay home for about a month after you have your baby. I knew about this, but I took it with a grain of salt. Sure, I'll be resting up, eating my seaweed soup, occasionally running errands, and welcoming close friends as visitors to my home. However, I think my mom means that I LITERALLY have to stay at home for exactly one month. Or else. Or else what???? So I asked her, "So I can't take a walk outside for ten minutes?" And she replied with something like, "It's too cold. You'll be too cold to do that." Then I argued about wearing a thick coat and mittens and scarves and woolen socks, but alas, they landed on deafened ears. Her philosophy is "Don't go outside for a month because it's too cold." I have no idea where this is coming from. I secretly think that she also thinks her idea is ridiculous, but some unknown force from within is causing her to believe this with all her heart.

Anyways, I'm grateful nevertheless to have her up here to help out in the first couple of weeks. As for the whole "being out of commission for one month" thing, just know that I can not live without seeing people for more than two days. It's the extrovert in me. I remember when I got married, some of my friends wanted to "give me some room" and didn't call or email or get in touch with me so that Danny and I can have our "space" as a newlywed couple. I see the well-intentioned thought behind that, but I was ready to hang out with people the day after our honeymoon! So I think it might be the same way with the baby. Granted I will be super tired from getting up in the middle of the night, but isn't that just part of life? Aren't I tired all the time anyways? I gain energy from other people. Again, extrovert.

So what's my point? If you're my friend, please don't pull back "unnecessarily" in contacting me just because I have a baby. Sure, I might be busy sometimes feeding or bathing her, but it's just a different kind of busy-ness.

To close up, what do I know? For all I know, I might never hang out with friends ever again.

2006-01-30T22:00:00.000-08:00

Pregnancy at 8 months... uncomfortable! Some symptoms I'm experiencing: back pain, leg cramps, heartburn, overall achiness, shoulder pain, overall feeling of bigness.

What I miss:
-being able to lie on your stomach
-sleeping without being propped up with pillows
-my waistline
-Asahi beer and sushi
-eating spicy food, or any food at that, without fear of heartburn
-control of my bladder
-my favorite pair of jeans

I'm having trouble walking at a normal pace now. My bladder may be full so I can't walk fast less I disturb it, or I'm having a Braxton-Hicks contraction that tightens my whole belly area so I can't stride along at a normal pace, or I get shortness of breath so I need to take careful steps.

2006-01-24T23:23:00.000-08:00

Today I forced myself to go to school. I couldn't let down my students. It was Book Report Day. How could I call in sick? So I suffered through the day with a stuffy/runny nose, a constant headache, and a nasty cough. In addition, every time I coughed, I experienced the loss of bladder control that people say happens to pregnant women. So, there you go. Coughing is a curse in my life. I wonder if I could receiver inner healing for this. Like I said before, my mom coughed throughout labor and delivery of me, and postpartum. So maybe there's a connection.

Anyways, I'm going on maternity leave soon. I'm so excited to get some rest, but I'm so sad to leave my class. They're a special bunch. Ask Jibin, my little brother. He knows. He taught my kids the value of creating a budget. He threw out words like "income" and "expense" to a bunch of 8-year-olds, and they seemed to get it. The concept of money - having plenty of it and spending it - is something that the kids in my school understand. Today, the word "mortgage" came up during one of my student's book reports. She seemed to know what that meant. I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS! ha.

Anyways, I hope I feel better. I would like to breathe properly sometime soon. And I would like to regain control of my bladder. Thanks!

2006-01-05T21:41:00.000-08:00

It was my birthday today! I turned 28. When I was born, my mother was alone in the hospital, without proper blankets to keep her warm, and without proper medication to shield her from the pain. I think she was also sick, too. Coughed a lot. That's why my mom says that I have such a nasty cough whenever I get sick. Because she too was sick and coughing when I was born. When I was finally born, and my dad found out over the phone that it was a girl, he rejoiced. In fact, I think he partied it up a little. While my mom was still in the hospital. This may seem like a sad story, but I like it because in the end, everyone was healthy, and I just like that someone rejoiced when I entered into the world. Without even knowing me, my dad loved me. I think subconsciously, it enabled me to go through life with strength and confidence.

We're thinking of naming our child Abigail. In Hebrew it means "father rejoices" or "father's joy". I like it because I know what it was like for my father to rejoice over me. And I know that Abby will definitely be her father's joy. Plus, I'm sure it can have a spiritual meaning, where our Father in heaven rejoices over His children. So yeah, I'm really diggin the name. I'm 98% sure our daughter's name is Abby. The search for a Korean name continues, though.

2005-12-24T23:20:00.000-08:00

My niece recently learned the word "no." She says it all the time now. I think it's great that she's learning to use her "no" muscle right now, so that later on in life, she will know her limits and boundaries. However, it is really disheartening to hear a cute little kid whom you love very much say in your face, "No." "Ellie, your dress is pretty." "No." With a shake of her head. "Ellie, wanna sit next to Auntie?" "No." There was even a time when I just looked at her, and she pointed to me, saying, "No!" There are many different ways to react to this kind of normal toddler behavior. There's Danny's reaction, which is pure, unconditional love. When she says "no" to Danny, he immediately says to her, "I still love you Ellie. Uncle loves Ellie!" I think this kind of love wins her over in the end. Then there's another member of the in-law family, who shall remain nameless, whose reaction is more conditional. When Ellie says "no" to him/her, he/she says, "If you're not interested in me, I'm not interested in you."

I, on the other hand, am somewhere in between. I believe that there are natural connections you make with people in general. Like, when I saw Ellie interact with Auntie Maggie, you can see that they have this natural connection. It's great! I will always love Ellie (my unconditional side), but if we don't have natural connections, I'm not going to force her to give me kisses or let me hold her, or whatever else people expect from little kids.

Having said that, I usually bribe her to get her to come to me. I'm shameless like that. I used candy, fruit, and Christmas presents this past week to win her affections. Oh well. I'm human. I need people to like me. Even little kids.

2005-12-06T11:38:00.000-08:00

Do you remember the days of yore when we took school pictures? Well, I still get school pictures! For FREE. Yesterday I passed out the pictures to my students, and watched as they carefully opened their packages in desperate anticipation. Especially the girls. After some sighs and oohs and ahhs, the trading of pictures began. "I'll give you one if you give me one." I wonder if they write "You're neat" or "BFF" on the back of the pictures before they exchange them.

Anyways, I thought I looked great in this picture! Sure, my head is tilted way too much to the right, and my uneven skin tone can never be properly covered with foundation, but... my nostrils are not showing! I remember the photographer had said to raise my chin a little, and I said through my grin, "Uh, no thanks, I'll stay like this." Plus, I've come a long way in school pictures. I don't think I've liked any of them. Perhaps I should post the one from 7th grade just to show you a sampling of what I went through.

2005-11-30T22:53:00.000-08:00

I just cancelled our dining table plus six chairs order. I'm such a novice at this whole buying furniture and other large items thing. I'm just getting my feet wet in terms of knowing what a bargain looks like, knowing what styles I like, and knowing when to buy things. Either I jump the gun a lot of the times, or I procrastinate like crazy. I wish I could be like my mom sometimes. She makes decisions as fast as you can say "volkswagon." She's super-efficient, practical, and aggressive about bargaining. I must say, though, that sometimes her style is compromised. I want both. Style and efficiency.

The other day I broke down and cried because I had piles of stuff all over the house. Bills I have to pay, papers to file away, To Do Lists, coupons, and personal letters strewn all over the house in piles. Why? Because I don't have a desk. I don't have a space to call my own. I used to have a desk. Pre-marriage days. Oh, I should have kept that desk. I think it belonged to George's old roommate. But I think I gave it to someone because I thought, "Why would I need a desk for myself when I get married? Danny and I will buy a desk together and we'll share it and it will be perfect." Well, we did get a desk together, and we do share it currently, but it's far from being perfect.

From the beginning, we had different ideas about what our desk should represent. He wanted big, cheap, and no drawers. Big because he thought since we're sharing it, the bigger the better. Cheap because well, the cheaper the item the happier he is. And no drawers because he doesn't care about organizing things in containers and boxes like I do. Basically he wanted something to hold a nice desktop computer. That's what his vision came down to. Computer. I should've known!

I wanted a medium-sized, rustic, mahogany brown desk, with lots of drawers to hold things. An added hutch would be even nicer. All those shelves and nooks and crannies to organize all the junk I have... Wow! It's like having a miniature Container Store at my fingertips. My main purpose was to have a space for me to do bills, write letters, and check email on a laptop. I wanted it to look good, first and foremost. Functionality was a close second. sigh.

Last year, I went looking for a desk of my own, but ended up not getting the ideal desk because we just didn't have room. But now that we're in a bigger place, I have the space to get my own desk. But I know I can't get my IDEAL desk, because that would be close to $1000. I'm on the lookout for something within our budget. I don't know exactly what range that is, but I feel like I'll know when I see it.

Until I purchase my desk, though, there will be many more nights of frustration, sighing, and piles of stuff all over the Chai apartment.

2005-11-23T00:52:00.000-08:00

I have learned that when traveling with my husband, the stresses of a new environment and taking care of details might erupt into needless fights. So I've been more aware lately of potentially frustrating situations.

The other night, we were in New Jersey, on our way to a hotel from a friend's wedding. Paul was driving us, and even though he's a GREAT driver who has a way better sense of direction than me and Danny put together, the Fort Lee area in NJ was new for him. In addition, Danny had half-baked directions to get to the hotel.

Let me first say before I go on that my husband is an EXCELLENT finder of deals when it comes to things like making travel arrangements. We got a Hilton hotel room for $60 that night, when the regular price is something like $350. Wow!!! Go Danny!

Anyways, we were driving around and kind of lost. So even if we had this sweet deal, it won't mean anything if we can't get to the place, right? I felt a little dose of impatience coming on, and frustration towards Danny for not getting the directions right. But it's like, who am I?? Do I even know what north and south are? How many times have I gotten lost? How many times have I inconvenienced other people on account of my lack of knowing directions? I guess it's just that I have high expectations for my husband. Since I can't do it, I expect him to know how to do it well.

As I was struggling inside with my conflicting emotions, Danny sunk into his seat next to me, obviously feeling bad for Paul, and for the other passengers in the car. In a quiet voice, which was barely audible to the other people in the car because he was also slightly mumbling, he said, "Sorry, Paul. It was poor planning on my fart."

Now, at this point, I was the only one in the car that heard the last word. I turned around and saw my poor husband feeling really bad for his bad directions, and right then and there, all of my mixed emotions became crystal clear. My heart swelled with love for my dear. He has his strengths and weaknesses, and I embrace them all. I mean, how could I get mad at someone who had poor planning on his fart? How could I get frustrated at someone who does everything in his power to take care of me, even if he sometimes has poor planning on his fart?

So instead of getting frustrated or mad or snippy for "poor planning on his fart", I just started laughing hysterically. I mean side-hurtin', verge-of-delirium, can't-breathe-but-totally-worth-it kinds of laughs. I can only remember two other times that I've laughed like this in the past five years. One was when we celebrated Adrian's birthday with a cake and sang "Happy Birthday" during smallgroup, and then promptly found out by his utterly confused look that his birthday wasn't until another month. The second time was when I sent out a repeat email thanking people for coming to my birthday party. The first email was sent out two weeks after the event, and started out with something like "Hi everyone, it's been 2 weeks since my birthday, and I wanted to thank you for coming..." Then two weeks later, I sent out another thank you email saying, "Hi everyone, it's been a month since my birthday, and I wanted to thank you for coming..." Danny asked me why I sent out another thank you, and that's when I realized that I sent out a repeat email, and burst out laughing, wondering if people thought I was some kind of pathetic loser who has no friends and no life, so I spend time on a biweekly basis sending out thank you emails for attending my birthday party.

Back to the latest incident. Ah... "poor planning on my fart." Those five little words saved us from having a fight. God works in weird ways. To this day, I'm still laughing about it. It's good for the soul. What's the lesson to be learned? If you think Jieun is about to get mad, appease her with some bathroom humor. And all will be well.

2005-11-13T18:44:00.000-08:00

What is it about XBox, basketball, and poker that binds fellow men together in friendship and commonality? Lately Danny has been all about hanging out with people and calling people. It's like, "Who are you???!!!" It's great to see him out there, caring more about staying in touch and bonding with people.

I've often thought about why it's so much harder for women to get together like that, week after week, choosing some activity to do (OR not), and just "hanging out." The other day, I went out with two of my girlfriends, and we had a three-hour lunch. Each took her turn sharing about the latest things happening in her life, and it was FUN! But I don't do this with them every week. In fact, maybe only twice a year. I wonder... do I sacrifice frequency for more depth? Does Danny go in-depth with his hangout buddies every week while maneuvering a joystick, or passing a basketball, or waiting for the straight to come "on the river"?

Hanah suggested that maybe women are a little more complicated than men, in that we have more varied interests that prevents us from participating in a common activity. Some of us like to shop, some of us like to play sports, some of us like to knit, and some of us like to bake. Perhaps we do have varied interests, but should that stop us from trying new things? More importantly, should that stop us from "hanging out?" "Would you like to go shopping with us?" "Oh no. I don't like shopping. I'm not into it." But what if the activity is just a means to an end? What if the end goal is to just "hang out?" What if every week the activity is shopping, and some girl doesn't like to shop? Will she have no more friends? Of course, she can suggest another activity and invite people to join her. I think when it comes down to it, women generally don't think in terms of "hanging out." We are more goal-oriented. Whereas men can easily see basketball as a means to "hanging out," women are more inclined to think, "Why should I play basketball when I don't like it?"

Rarely when I go shopping with a girlfriend do we both have nothing in mind to buy. We always have to have some kind of goal in mind. Like, I need to return a dress at Macy's. Oh, I saw something at Anthropologie that I have to get. Nordstrom's is having a sale, so I have to go and get that pair of shoes. In the process of meeting our goals, we fit in "hang out" time, and when our goals are achieved, it's time to go home. I'm not saying that this is bad. I ALWAYS have fun when I go shopping with girlfriends. It's fun to fulfill your goals with other people. It's basically having someone there to run errands with you. But I savor the "hang out" time that happens along with the activity. And you get to know a person really well by observing how she shops, how she spends her money, and how she treats people at customer service.

One of the problems with this kind of goal-oriented approach to "hanging out" is that women don't get to hang out with each other as frequently as they ought. I guess some women are okay with that, but I am not. I need "hang out" time with people more than they need it with me.

So what should I do about that? Maybe nothing. Or maybe have more goals and organize "hang out" times by organizing more events. Be the initiator. Whatever. I'm tired. I'm going to bed.

2005-10-17T19:27:00.000-07:00

Danny and I started praying together every night. We did this for the first couple of months of our marriage, and then took at three year hiatus. And now we're back in the rhythm. It was mostly because we started praying for our unborn child. It's cute because Danny sometimes sings to her! What a great dad, already.

I have to give props to Danny because he's the one who has insisted that we pray together. It's been great because it draws us closer together, and once you start praying for one thing, the list grows and grows. I guess sometimes it's hard for guys to know how to be the spiritual head of the household. I think this small act that Danny has enforced lately really shows his spiritual leadership. It's nice to be led like that. I know I'm not the best supporter as a wife sometimes, but I try. And it's nice to know that Danny tries to be a good husband.

2005-09-19T22:10:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about pain lately. My friend reminded me today that I'm a sickly person. It's true. Ever since college freshman year, my body has gone through so much sickness. It's partly because I don't exercise. But it's also partly because I am weak sauce. I was made this way. Weak and sickly. A fallen body in a fallen world.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not in chronic pain or anything. I still have good health. The morning sickness I'm going through right now is temporary. There's an ending. But it gave me a taste of what chronic pain, chronic health problems, might feel like. Not only physical, but emotional. I panicked the other day. About having a baby and being pregnant. It was all in my mind, but it was scary.

So I got to thinking about all the people I know of that are going through some kind of chronic physical or emotional pain. The person with the ongoing mouth pain. Sad! The multiple people I know who have some kind of hand and arm pain. The woman at my church with constant back pain. Wow. My friends who are depressed. My husband with the daily heartburn. My uncle in Korea battling liver cancer. These are the people I think of immediately. The kind of sickness that can't be cured easily, and that have doctors baffled.

And here I am complaining and wailing about how nauseous I am. I'm telling you. I'm weak sauce.

2005-09-03T20:52:00.000-07:00

I never knew pregnancy would be like this. All I knew before I got pregnant was that you get a cute little baby in the end. I was not prepared nor expecting to be sick day after day for however long. I'm not sure how long because I'm still going through it. It's like that movie Groundhog's Day. Ever seen it? The guy wakes up every day on the same day, and goes through the same exact day. He varies it a little here and there, but no matter how much he has accomplished, he still wakes up on the same exact day. That's how I feel. I wake up sick, and I throw up once. Then I proceed to eat food that will settle nicely in my stomach. Some days I reject the food, and other days, I'm good to go. But no matter how well I feel by the end of the day, I wake up sick. I eat my crackers, and then I throw up. And it starts all over again.

Some women have it worse than I do. Some women are only a little bit sick. And then there are those women who have no symptoms whatsoever from the overproduction of bile and hormones in their bodies. Those are the lucky ones. And quite frankly, I do feel lucky that I don't have to be hospitalized for days. But it is a struggle. Every day. The same exact struggle.

And people have been very nice to me. Those who have suffered through it know exactly what to say and what not to say. Others, who feel helpless when I tell them that I'm not doing well, and have no idea what I'm going through, try to offer some helpful suggestions. When I'm in the mood for advice, I'll gladly take it. But mostly, I just want people to say, "POOR JIEUN!!! YOU POOR POOR THING!!!!" And that's it. I have a husband who gets all my food for me, who is up on the research, and is completely involved with this pregnancy. For everyone else, unless I ask for advice or you really need to let me know something, I just want a look of sympathy or "POOR JIEUN!!! YOU POOR POOR THING!!!" (Although gifts of any kind are always a plus.)

I never knew pregnancy would be like this.

2005-07-22T13:06:00.000-07:00

Last night I went to the Container Store. Wow! What an amazing place! Containers for everything. You name it. They've got a container for it. They even had gadgets to organize your wrapping paper!!!! Wowzers. This is my kind of store. I was so excited.

I had my eye on the plastic grocery bag dispenser for a while. So I bought it! And now, I'm pleased to say, our cupboard under the kitchen sink is a little bit neater! Hooray for organization. My next project is to organize the newspapers that pile up every day in our dining area. Ideally, I want something that would fit the microwave, newspapers, and our rice supply, all in one gadget. As I'm writing this, I can hear myself being a loser.

2005-07-13T01:24:00.000-07:00

Things I regret about high school:

-Not going to at least SOME dances!
-Not trying out for the musicals
-Not becoming better friends with Gina Fan
-Not taking Spanish V, Japanese I, and French I
-Not going to the beach often enough
-Not wearing clothes that actually fit me (I guess baggy was in?)
-Not taking the time to spark up a conversation with someone who looked down

Things I loved about high school:

-Structure
-Friends
-Church

Next year is my 10-year high school reunion. For some reason, I'm so excited about it. No plans have been made yet, but I'm looking forward to it. I'm sure many people hated their high school experience, but I liked it. I was very goody-two-shoes, played everything by the book, and never really got in trouble.

But there's just something about high school environment that separates you into distinct cliques. It's near impossible to go against this. You have your popular people, nerdy people, jocks, Christian club people, Key Club people, you name it. Very rarely do people try to break out of these socially-constructed group entities. I remember when my older brother had this idea to eat lunch with me and my little brother. He was an example of the lone soldier who tried to break free from the ranks. But it only lasted for one lunch period. The forces of high school peer pressure were too great even for our family bonds.

Anyways, the reason why I am looking forward to my reunion is that I finally get to rise out of the "high school rules" and befriend and connect with whomever I please, irregardless of social status. I say let the 'dungeons and dragons' people hang with the jocks. Let the swim people mingle with the Colorguard people. Let the "mean girls" exchange pleasantries with the math people. On the other hand, I have heard that people tend to go back to their high school ways at reunions, and gravitate towards their former clilques. That's unfortunate. I hope it's not like that for us.

2005-07-11T14:40:00.000-07:00

Here are games that I do like:

Taboo, Pictionary, Dr. Mario, Bust a Move, Speed Scrabble, Scattergories, Friends Trivia

These games involve colors, pictures, words, or Friends. Anyone want to play with me? I have a lot of time on my hands lately, and I absolutely cherish it. I get to wake up at whenever I want. Lately it's been at 10am so that I can watch reruns of Dawson's Creek. I even scheduled my tutoring times in the afternoons so that I can be assured that I get enough sleep.

2005-07-10T23:57:00.000-07:00

Many of our friends are gung-ho about a game called Settlers. WHY??? I guess I just don't like games that take hours to play, have complicated rules, involve making business deals with other players, and are BORING.

Other games I do not like: Poker, Bohnanza, Trivial Pursuit, any X-Box game, Risk

Basically all the games that Danny loves, I hate.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm a people person, and I'm swayed by peer pressure. If everyone wants to play a certain game and it's crucial that I play, I'll play. I'm a good sport.

But today a bunch of people came over and played Settlers. I took a big fat nap. It felt good. Something about a Sunday afternoon nap... Anyways, when I came out, they had just finished playing one game of Settlers, and was setting up to play AGAIN. What is that?? I don't get it. Am I missing something here? Maybe it's because I hate logic. Danny often calls my Settler moves "bold." Meaning, "how illogical and not conducive to winning." But maybe I don't play to win. Maybe that's not my goal! Maybe I value illogical thinking ability. They should create a game that celebrates illogical thinking and non-strategic moves. I would be good at that game.

Oh, and I still haven't seen Star Wars!

2005-06-08T16:17:00.000-07:00

I have makeup on right now. That either means that I feel like looking nice, or that I'm stressed. It's the latter that has pushed me to put on makeup today. I'm sitting at my desk at school, typing away at the computer. It's that time of the year again: report cards! Currently, I'm averaging one report card narrative per hour. But after each report card is done, I take a break that can last up to about thirty minutes.

School ended yesterday, so it's quiet around campus. However, there's an audition going on tonight for an educational film that will be shot on our campus this July. I am definitely auditioning for that. SOooooo, here I am, at 4:20pm, working diligently at my computer, waiting for the 6:30pm audition. I'm soooo excited! It's my first time reading lines for film. :) Do you think I'll get a part? It's a video about bullying. I'm thinking I can either play the overgrown bully that's repeated third grade for about 15 years, asking little kids for lunch money, or I can play the teacher with a stern look. I think I can do it! I'm just hoping they're going for a more diverse look.

2005-05-15T01:16:00.000-07:00

My one wish for our third year anniversary: to re-take our engagement photos. What a nightmare that was! We ordered one picture out of dozens of pictures that were cheesy cheesy cheesy. And it was pretty bad when I first got the one picture we ordered. I had told the photographer to get rid of the bags under Danny's eyes. But she got rid of part of Danny's eyes! And the amazing thing is, she didn't notice that it looked funny. She probably thought, "Oh, he's Asian. His eyes are supposed to look that chinky." I was horrified when I saw it, and demanded that she get it right. Anyways, long story short, the one picture that we got was not even a good one. My mom took one look at it, and said, "Throw it away. You look ugly." To this day, I have no idea where that one picture is. I must have listened to her and thrown it away.

So my dream is to have wonderful engagement photos. Perhaps we're walking casually along the beach. Perhaps we're in formal attire and gazing into each other's eyes. Perhaps we're standing side-by-side looking pensively into the distance. But the thing is, we won't have that fresh, naive "wow, I'm getting married!" look. Oh well. Can't have everything.

I see other friends' beautiful engagement photos, and I get so sad. I love pictures; they are very important to me. And although chronology is important (ask Danny about what happened when I was organizing my college photo albums, and I accidentally missed a photo from my sophomore year, while I was on my junior year), I'm willing to call these pictures our "engagement" pictures. It's just easier to explain than saying that they're my third-year-anniversary-re-take-photos-of-engagement-pictures-because-they-were-so-
ugly-pictures.

2005-05-12T22:46:00.000-07:00

Today, as in most other days these days, I found myself wanting to have someone permanent to talk to while I drive home.

I pretty much call about five or six people on the way home from work, alternating days based on mood, their schedules, and availability. Sometimes it's Karen, who is a mother of a newborn, so her time is mostly determined by her child's needs. I have to catch her when he's napping, or when Seong is feeding him.

I call my mom when I want to discuss what I want to make for dinner or when I want to brag about something or when I want to receive endless support.

I call Danny just to say hello. Literally. Sometimes I'll say "hi" and then say "ok, bye." Mostly we discuss functional things, such as what we're doing for dinner, etc.

Then sometimes I'll call one of my brothers, just because they're my family. I want to know what's going on in their lives. Usually my little brother has much to say (about business, school, finance, Dodgers, etc.). We share some good laughs.

My older brother pretty much has nothing to say. I pretty much talk the whole time, and ask him a bunch of questions, just to receive one-word answers. "Are you at work?" "Yes." "Do you like your job?" "Yes." "What are you eating for dinner?" "Tacos." "Anything exciting happening?" "Nah." He downplays everything that happens in his life. So if he spends more than a sentence on one subject, I listen intently to try and gather the full experience of the words. "So have you met anyone?" "No. Just this girl. We emailed and talked on the phone a couple of times. It's nothing." Woa! Hm. What does that mean??? If it's really nothing, why would he spend FOUR sentences talking about it?? Who knows? He's a mystery wrapped in an enigma.

So I guess what I'm saying is that I wish I had some permanent figure in my car that would love to listen to all of the things I have to say, and talk back to me in an all-encompassing, deeply satisfying way.

Don't get me wrong. I have great friends, a great mom, a wonderful husband. I can't ask for anything else! But I guess I have a deeper need. Perhaps we all have a deeper need? One that can not be met by any one person. I need God. I want to communicate with God. He is my permanent conversation partner! Yes, basically that's what it boils down to. I want to pray more. I want to be heard. I want God to speak to me.

2005-04-19T23:19:00.000-07:00

Danny and I watched "Meet the Fockers" the other night. Hilarious, but not as hilarious as "Meet the Parents." Don't you just love the scene where the Owens guy is asking Ben Stiller about his portfolio, and he has no idea what to say, and then later on the Owens guy says something about Jesus, and how he was a carpenter. I'm smiling right now thinking about that scene. Love it!

Anyways, the father in both movies talks about the "inner circle." The "inner circle" is a chosen few to whom all is shared and revealed. The "inner circle" is a group of people you can trust. I guess I've been dealing with this notion of an inner circle lately. Who is in my inner circle? My family? My smallgroup? My best friend? My friends from church? My good friends from college? My in-laws? My husband's friends? My high school friends? My co-workers? I guess to some extent, I've just considered everyone aforementioned to be a significant part of my life, and therefore, part of my inner circle. I guess you can say that my inner circle was a pretty big circle. We're talkin' a huge circumference. So huge that one might say you can't call it "inner" anymore. Some might look at my inner circle and call it an "outer circle."

I think this can cause some problems. As much as I'd like to think I have a big and generous heart, I think deep down, I'm just a selfish schmoe. If I give out love, I want to receive love. If I make an effort with someone relationally, I want relationship back. If someone in my inner circle doesn't give me what I need or want in return for what I've given them, then I get my feelings hurt. I guess I have to be aware of people whom I consider to be in my inner circle, but they might not necessarily see me as part of their inner circle. Or perhaps I got kicked outside of their inner circle without even knowing it. Either way, I need to be okay with that.

So, now you're thinking, "Did I do something to anger Jieun so that I am not in Jieun's inner circle anymore?" Or perhaps you're thinking, "Eh, Jieun was never in my inner circle, so why should I care if I am or am not in her inner circle?" Let's just say I'm going through something that is making me think of this, and then watching "Meet the Fockers" got me to thinking.

Don't get me wrong. I like that I am an "outer circle" kind of person. I like that I am the kind of person that stretches her inner circle wide open to welcome even strangers to join and feel included. It's the hostess in me. But perhaps there's wisdom in tightening it up a bit, so that the circle isn't so flimsy and breakable. Perhaps there's wisdom in knowing my limitations as a selfish human being. If I give, and don't get, I should either be okay with it because that's what Christ's love is all about, or stop trying to give so desperately, so that perchance they'll throw me a bone.

2005-04-16T22:06:00.000-07:00

Nicknames I have had...

Jenu (jen - NEW): This is what my brothers sometimes called me when we would just be hanging out. I think it came out of all the funny ways that non-Koreans have pronounced my name, and this nickname kind of came out of a conglomeration of all of them.

G: Certain friends of mine will sometimes call me this. Not sure why. I suspect it's out of laziness. The extra syllable takes a little more work, so why not stop at G. Sounds snazzy and hip hop.

jiji: For some reason, at work, both at Menlo School and Hillbrook School, my co-workers have come up with this name all on their own. It is playful, sexy, and sophisticated at the same time. But if you say it with a certain emphasis, it can also mean "dirty gross stuff" in Korean.

Chej: This one was birthed spontaneously by my friend Miriam. Since my name is now Chai Jieun, "chej" is a shortened version of that. It just kind of rolled out and stuck. It has a charming quality about it that I really like.

I'm not naturally a nickname person. When I choose email names, it's always boring jieunchai, jchai, or my favorite: jieungracechai. None of this dcfly business, or any of the other cutesy things people use to represent themselves. Maybe I'm just boring. I like my name, and I just stick to it. But I do enjoy when other people invent things for me, cuz then I feel cool enough.

2005-04-15T12:49:00.000-07:00

This post is dedicated to my friend Connie, whom I miss and whom I wish well as she is all the way out there in DC.

Yes, the first part of the first year of marriage is a HUGE life transition period. Can I just say? Reading your entry about Bed, Bath, and Beyond... reminded me of my excursions to Target and Macy's. They were my best friends and worst enemies the first three months of settling down. So many things to return, and so many things to buy. I wish someone had told me to register for a pizza stone and fine china and bathroom shower curtains and stand mixer. But who knew? I didn't know how to cook, so how am I supposed to know what things to register for in the kitchen? I didn't know until the week before my wedding what my bathroom might look like, so how am I supposed to take the time and figure out what the bath supplies should be?

Oh, and the long lines at DMV and Social Security. HOW MANY MEN HAD TO GO THROUGH THAT? Tell me. I don't know many husbands who actually went with their wives to these places to go through the life-altering processes together. I think it took me about a year and a half to change my name for all credit cards, airline cards (which you have to send in writing!), library cards, etc. Changing my name was a traumatic experience. I mean, I got used to it quick enough, but still, it was an identity change. For Danny, he just enjoyed seeing me sign my name as "Jieun Chai," and not "Jieun Park." It gave him a warm tingle inside. How great for him.

Since Danny had better credit limits, etc., when we merged all of our financial accounts, I had to learn all of Danny's passwords and secret codes to access accounts online. So I sat there and started memorizing.

I'm not sure if Danny went through any agonizing, traumatic, life-altering changes when he got married. I bore the burden for us both.

Hey, but I'm not bitter. :) Looking back, the "transition" period only lasted about three months for me. But I was lucky to have found a church community that helped me transition. It was hard to start anew because BayLight people only knew me as Jieun Chai, and I didn't feel like that was the complete JIEUN. There was more to the package than just Jieun Chai. I was a Park for about 24 years! But they didn't even know that Jieun Park had existed. So I had to carve out a new identity as Jieun Chai. It was difficult, but I pushed through.

So Connie, I feel you, sister. I would have called you, but I don't know that you have a cell phone yet! So I'm communicating to you through my webpage. Hopefully you'll see it soon. The whole "leave and cleave" thing is a healthy and biblical thing to do, and I'm glad that you're taking things in stride.

2005-04-11T18:02:00.000-07:00

I miss my mom. I talk to her almost every day, except when she's out of the country. She's been in Korea for about a month now, and I feel like an eagle with a clipped wing, not able to soar, directionless.

You see, whenever I need a perspective on a life situation, I call her and ask her what she thinks. In the past, she has given me advice such as: cast your burdens upon Jesus, be patient with those who are different from you, and take care of your health first.

When I have failed at something, such as making an error on my taxes, I call my mother and she simply listens, saying "Everyone makes mistakes and fails." That's the type of encouragement I need to get me started again.

When I don't know what to make for dinner, I call my mom and say, "I don't know what to make for dinner." She gives me some suggestions, and always tells me that I'm a great cook, even if she's never really tasted my cooking. That gives me strength to get dinner started.

All in all, my mom is the greatest. I hope that I become a great mother someday.

2005-03-15T22:52:00.000-08:00

Exciting things are happening this week.

Danny is turning 29.
My friend Connie is getting married.
I get to see my best friend's baby for the first time.
My brother is starting his job with the San Diego Padres.
And I'm going on a field trip tomorrow to the San Jose Mercury News headquarters.

I don't know which one I should be the most excited about!

This is the eighth time I'm celebrating Danny's birthday, the first one being just as friends, the next three as my boyfriend, the fourth as my fiance, and the last three (including this week's) as my husband.

When it comes to birthdays, Danny is the exact opposite as me in terms of how they should be celebrated. He likes a quiet dinner for the two of us in a fancy schmancy restaurant that has gotten great reviews from Zagat. One small gift would suffice. I like medium big gatherings of friends at loud restaurants that don't necessarily have good food, but good ambience. The more gifts, the better! Every year, I want to plan a big or medium party and have people come over our place to celebrate Danny's birth. But every year I stop and remember that it's not all about me. Then I ask to make sure that his personality hasn't changed, and sure enough, he still just wants to have a quiet dinner at a nice restaurant. That's my Danny.

2005-03-07T23:24:00.000-08:00

During dinner Danny said to me, "You read a lot!" Then he proceeded to rattle off the names of the books that I have read recently. I was quite amazed at myself. Even a year ago, you wouldn't have called me a reader or a lover of books. But last year around this time, I picked up a book that got me starting to read again: The DaVinci Code. And it came at a perfect time because we went to Paris and London for my spring break last year.

I stopped reading for pleasure after about the sixth grade. I only read for school. Throughout junior high, high school, and college, we were required to read great works of literature. Don't get me wrong. I enjoyed reading The Catcher in the Rye and Of Mice and Men. I remember the tears I shed at the end of Where the Red Fern Grows. I had a good time reading all the required books during my education.

The problem came when my formal education stopped. So did my reading. I did not know how to read for pleasure. I knew this was a problem, but I did not address it because I did not have time. I just shied away from conversations when people talked about books, just like I do when people talk about politics.

But since The DaVinci Code, I decided to change this problem of mine. It's not that The DaVinci Code was a particularly GREAT book. It's just been so long that I had gotten into a book of my choice. The last one had been Sweet Valley Twins, the one where they had a secret language called ithig. I was so fascinated by the language that I started speaking it with my friend, and we would have this secret code of communication.

Anyways, I asked my co-workers to recommend me some books, and over the past year, here are some books I have devoured for pleasure (at the request of other people):

-The Secret Life of Bees (librarian at my school)
-Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim (Danny)
-Tess of the D'Urbervilles (Miriam)
-Kitchen Confidential (Danny)
-Interpreter of Maladies (several sources have told me I should read this)
-A Good Scent from a Strange Mountain (my friend from grad school Mary)
-The Kite Runner (co-worker Jimmye)

I just finished reading The Kite Runner today, and I'm going through book withdrawal. I'm so sad that the journey is over. I feel like I'll never find another book that I'll like. I feel like this every time I finish a book. Extremely proud that I accomplished something, yet extremely sad that the story had to end. Anybody recommend another book?

2005-02-16T16:56:00.000-08:00

A couple of months ago, I fed my husband some dirt. Literally. I decided to venture out and put clams into the soondubu jjigae instead of meat. Well, I've never dealt with clams before, so I had no idea how dirty they were. So I just quickly washed them in water, and then plopped them into the boiling water. As I tasted it later on, I noticed a kind of murkiness to the soup, but I couldn't quite place it. I just thought, "crazy seafood."

Then when the moment came to serve dinner, I had him sit down and wait for me to present the jjigae, as I always do. I like how the restaurants serve them, straight from the kitchen and still bubbling. As I eagerly awaited his reaction, I noticed that his eyebrows furrowed slightly. It wasn't exactly the response I wanted.

"Is it good?" I ventured.

"Mm..," he mumbled, with a subdued smile and a raise of the eyebrow. "It's pretty good."

He took a couple of more bites, but chewed very slowly. By this time, I knew something was up.

"Just tell me. What's wrong with it?"

"Well," Danny said hesitantly, "it tastes dirty."

"What!?! Let me see." I took a spoonful, and sure enough, that murkiness I had witnessed while it was stil on the stove was indeed, dirt. It was the most embarrassing moment of my cooking career. I had served dirt. There. I admit it. I served dirt to my husband.

2005-02-14T21:26:00.000-08:00

They say "diamonds are a girl's best friend." I'm not sure about BEST friends, but I'd say a close second. Perhaps the first bridesmaid spot, but not the maid of honor.

On to other thoughts, I'm so glad that more of my friends are blogging, so I can take a peek into their psyche.

Danny practices electric guitar every other day now, since he's taking lessons. He is the star student. If his teacher gave out stars every time he sees excellence, Danny would have a million by now. Anyways, I'm glad that he's pursuing his passions. It makes me want to pursue piano lessons or more language classes.

Tonight we went to Saizo for a Valentine's Day dinner. They serve Japanese tapas - very good! I said to the waitress, "Sumimasen, ochya o kudasai." (Excuse me, I would like tea.) And she understood me! Woohoo.

2005-02-09T15:22:00.000-08:00

I found my lovely black coat! It was at my gym, hanging innocently on the coat rack. I left it there last week when I went directly from work. I felt so relieved when I got off the phone with the person there who confirmed that my coat was there. I took it as a sign that I should go to the gym to work out again this week.

This morning I decided to wear my lovely black coat along with one of the only three pairs of pants that fit me right now, the black modern fit flare from GAP. As I was rushing out the door, I couldn't find my lovely pair of black shoes! I lost my shoes! HELP.

2005-02-07T15:26:00.000-08:00

I lost my black coat! I looked for it in the closet this morning, and I could not find it. How can this happen? The last time I remember seeing it or wearing it was sometime last week. My lovely black coat. The one that kept me warm this winter. The groundhog has seen his shadow, so we have more winter. I need that coat back! Where could it be? Anyone seen it?

2005-01-27T11:42:00.000-08:00

Why do I keep making the same mistakes over and over again? I need to know how to prevent doing that.

Among some of things...
-arriving late
-forgetting about meetings
-losing things
-misplacing things

Why am I so hard on myself when I make a mistake? Do I think that I deserve to go through a self-flogging type of behavior? Do I not want to receive grace from others or God? What is it?

2005-01-24T21:48:00.000-08:00

Mondays are so hard. I had a heck of a time trying to wake up this morning. So cold, and don't want to leave the comfy comforters. I can't wait for spring and summer.

I know I know. There's a blizzard in New York with tremendous wind chill, there are homeless people without so much as a fire to warm their fingers, and the list goes on. What am I wailing about.

But dude, let me say it. It is Freaking Cold. I just want it to be warm again. I don't want to be sick anymore. No more coughing. When will Persephone be returned to Demeter?

2005-01-22T20:19:00.000-08:00

Did I mention that I have an anger problem? Yeah, I do. It lay dormant for ten years, and then reared its ugly head when I got married. Poor Danny. Little did he know what he was getting into. I've said this before, but it's just that my default emotion is anger. Due to some childhood happenings, I became angry about certain things, and I just dealt with other problems that came up with anger.

It took me a while to figure out that you can have other emotions to match certain situations. So my last post had ways to annoy me. About two years ago, all those things would have made me ANGRY. Like, if you used "racism" incorrectly, I would get angry at you. Maybe not in the open, but inwardly seething. :) In the past couple of years, I have learned to add the emotion of annoyance to my bag of emotions (No, it's not because I'm married to Danny that I suddenly know the emotion of annoyance. It's not like that!). I see this as a step forward.

I heard about the emotion of "exasperated." Perhaps I'll learn this one when I have kids?

2005-01-21T23:45:00.000-08:00

7 Ways to Annoy Me

7. Use the word "racism" incorrectly.

6. Say you're going to do something, and then flake. (Tardiness doesn't annoy me nor cancelling because of a good reason nor saying no from the get-go, but flakiness is a BIG annoyer.)

5. Talk about why you hate "Friends."

4. Sing the wrong harmony, but think that it's right. (Singing the wrong lyrics, however, does not annoy me. :) )

3. Talk about politics over dinner.

2. Ask me how come I never became a principal or a teacher of older kids who teaches "harder" subjects. Basically, people who have no idea what elementary teachers go through, and just dismiss the job as some lower class job, annoy me.

1. Rivalries. School rivalry annoys me. NoCal/SoCal rivalry annoys me. Why can't people just get along?

2005-01-20T16:41:00.000-08:00

I LOVE watching Lost and Alias. So many surprising things happen on those two shows, and I literally sit there with my mouth hanging open.

There are two kinds of people at the faculty lunch table: TV-person and the Non-TV-person. When I'm sitting next to a TV-person, our conversations tend to get more lively and animated. With the Non-TV-person, it's a little bit more reserved. I can't get as excited about the weather as I can about the surprising shock between Boone and Shannon from last night's episode of Lost. Oops, sorry if I spoiled it for someone.

2005-01-01T23:55:00.000-08:00

This is my favorite picture from our trip to Houston. Ellie is such a happy baby. And she's sitting in her great grandmother's lap. Three different generations. That's very special.

2004-12-31T01:09:00.000-08:00

Eight Things I Want to do Before I Die

8. Learn to speak 10 languages.
7. Visit most of Europe, Asia, and South America.
6. Write a children's book with Asian American themes.
5. Learn how to do a back handspring.
4. Go on a long-term missionary trip.
3. Appear in a movie or TV show as the lead actress.
2. Raise at least three kids.
1. Play with my grandchildren.

2004-12-29T13:25:00.000-08:00

Nine Ways To Win My Heart

9. Accepting my weirdness and quirkiness by taking them in stride during social interactions. Usually boring people can't handle my eccentric behavior, and so I have to restrain myself sometimes.

8. Some of you who know me know that I have a lot of gas. It's just a part of my immune system. Someone who says, "I think it smells sweet" is definitely worthy of my heart.

7. Quirkiness. I find normalcy boring to tears. Quirkiness adds spice to life, makes life colorful and fun. It's very important to me.

6. Someone who writes me a poem or a song.

5. Someone who tells me I'm the most beautiful woman in the world. And be completely serious.

4. Someone who knows exactly what I'm thinking and feeling without me ever saying anything.

3. Strong principles. A man who lives out his principles is very attractive. On the other hand, a principled man is also usually very stubborn.

2. Nerdiness. OK, not like totally and completely nerdy to the point of tears, but not cool and slick. Intelligence is a no-brainer, but my guy can't be cooler than me. I'm slightly nerdy, so he would have to be nerdier than me.

1. Sappiness. Able to be genuine in feeling, and not prone to complete sarcasm or hard-core cynicism or extreme pessimism.

I think of Danny as someone who won my heart, and is still winning my heart. Kind of like salvation. You're saved once and you are continuously being saved, working out your salvation with fear and trembling. So, Danny has won my heart once and for all, and he is continuing to win my heart on a daily basis.

2004-12-16T01:45:00.000-08:00

10 Random Things About Me

10. I have a serious gas problem. Only a chosen few have suffered the wrath of it.

9. I was on a "nationally televised" game show called "Kidquiz" when I was in the sixth grade. I was the team captain.

8. I had a wart removed by laser from my left index finger.

7. I was pressured to like someone on New Kids on the Block, so I picked Danny.

6. I love striking up conversations in Chinese with people.

5. I have a slightly upturned nose and huge nostrils that I try to hide by smiling wide and tilting my face downward a little.

4. My brothers used to say that "the universe has only one black hole, but Jieun has two!" (referring to #5)

3. I put my right contact in first, always. I take out my left contact first, always.

2. When I hear an interesting word or phrase, I count out the syllables with my fingers and re-count them again and again, trying out different patterns with my fingers.

1. I listen to K-Love every day, on the way to work and on the way back.

2004-11-30T23:40:00.000-08:00

It's insane how many times a week Danny views the short video footage of Ellie, our niece. And if you've been over at our home this past month, at some point you probably have seen the clip, ...twice. We took our XBox ("mod-ed", so basically our whole entertainment system) with us down to LA this past weekend, so my MOM saw Ellie too! Actually, it's cute. I think it's cute that Danny thinks Ellie is cute. Meeting her has profoundly affected Danny's innermost being. I'm sure he'll be a great uncle. And an even greater father one day.

Thanksgiving dinner was happenin' at the Park household. My mom and I cooked all day. She did most of the prep work for the turkey and a lot of cleaning. I just messed up the kitchen and cooked up a storm. It was nice.

I had some time to spend with my dad going last-minute shopping. I got to teach my mom the difference between "green beans" and "grean peas," because apparently the word for "bean" in Korean refers to the actual bean or pea inside the pod or stalk. So when I asked her to get grean beans for the casserole I was going to make, the picture on the green beans can confused her because they were green stalks. So, she got the cans of green peas, which had a picture of things that actually looked like beans to her. Anyways, after a long debate/discussion, and after recovering from my disappointment that everything wasn't perfect, I made a green pea casserole!

I helped my mom join Curves. I hung out with my brothers, which means either watching TV together or watching them play video games. The XBox was a hit with my brothers. Danny scored one point!

AND, before we began eating dinner, we all went around and shared a couple of things we're thankful for. How traditional and cheesy. And no one laughed. No one was sarcastic, although, one of my brothers tried to be, but I think the presence of my mother kept him on track. It was definitely memorable.

2004-11-21T17:53:00.000-08:00

The Park family's first Thanksgiving feast. History in the making. My mom is usually out of the country during Thanksgiving time, but this year, I convinced her to come back to the USA during Thanksgiving so that we can cook together.

SO, Danny and I, my two brother, my parents, and my aunt will join forces and have dinner at the Buena Park home. We're having turkey, mashed potatoes, various side dishes (including one Korean side dish, jap chae), and dessert. I'm scared about the turkey. I'm using a recipe from allrecipes.com. If anyone has any tips for turkey roasting, please feel free to give them to me.

Some questions I have are: can I use chicken stock for the bottom of the roasting pan, instead of turkey stock? Do I have to have liquid on the bottom or not? Should I stuff the turkey with anything? Can I just not? I think everything else is pretty much taken care of. We'll see how Thanksgiving turns out this year.

2004-11-17T23:05:00.000-08:00

I've been reading all about Desiree's adventures in New York City, and Penny's great enthusiasm about this place New York City. And I'm wondering, hm... what's the appeal? I've read all the highlights, and I live vicariously through the many wonderful descriptions. But what is it about New York that makes them and others talk about living in New York as such a separate dimension with mythical qualities?

Why can't I talk about Sunnyvale with this kind of passion? Highlights of living in Sunnyvale:

-all the stores closing at 8:00pm
-a Macy's department store located in a mall that is much more like a ghost town
-hardly any people walking around, ever
-everyone protected in their safe haven of a car, not having to interact with people if they don't want

It's just not a happenin' place, I'm realizing. Suburban life is way boring, compared to the glitz and glamour of city life. But here's the other realization. I love BORING. I love suburban life. It's what I know, and it's where I am, and it's probably where I'll be, if I had a choice in the matter. I don't think I would fare well in city life. My homebodiness would seem grossly disparate from the surrounding festivities, and would probably put a damp on all fun-lovers around me.

I think I'm being influenced by the recent book I'm reading: Tess of the D'urbervilles. Except Tess was a rural person who was afraid of town life and townspeople.

All this aside, I do want to visit New York City again. Big apple, hustle bustle, and all. I do have credit from Jetblue, from a trip I was supposed to take earlier this year.

2004-11-11T17:17:00.000-08:00

Zits run in my family. It's more from the Yoon blood than the Park blood. There's no cure for acne, really. You can just treat it for the rest of your life. How sad. I went to the dermotologist for the first time in my life. After fourteen years of using topical creams such as Clearasil (which my mom still faithfully uses), I decided it's time to get some professional treatment.

Don't get me wrong. My acne is not that bad. I was lucky compared to my two brothers, who had to deal with a lot, and my mother, who went through depression in college as a result of bad acne. Me, I just go through sprinkles of white and blackheads all over my forehead and chin. And then periodically, a couple of deep, nasty, big ones will appear strategically and conveniently on very important days, such as weddings (including mine), and school picture days, to name a couple.

So anyways, I got some medicine that's supposed to clear up my skin. Check me out three months later.

2004-11-10T22:12:00.000-08:00

"Mrs. Chai, do you know who my hero is?"

"Is it your mom?"

"Well, yes, one of them."

"How about your dad?"

"Uh-huh."

"And of course your sister!"

"Yes, and also there's one more."

"Who?"

"You."

Sniff. mmmmMMMMMMmmMMMmMMMMMMmmmMMMeeeeeeeeeEEEEEeeeeEEeeEE?

2004-11-09T22:47:00.000-08:00

I'm ready for my day off on Thursday.

2004-11-08T17:28:00.000-08:00

It was a perfectly normal Monday morning. We had just finished painting our Eygyptian tombs and were settling down for the day's Math lesson. Each table group was supposed to estimate the value of the base ten blocks that were placed on each table. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, a student from table 4 starts to vomit. All over her Math sheet and base ten blocks. The student is as shocked as the rest of the class. She stands up and vomits on the floor. Then I rush her over to the trashcan to finish off the vomit.

Needless to say, my week didn't start off fine and dandy. I got paint all over my BR pants, I had to evacuate the room for fear of having all other sixteen kids throwing up from the vomit, and therefore did not get to finish my base ten blocks Math lesson, and now my room smells like vomit. I get a whiff of it every now and then. Fabulous.

2004-10-14T15:40:00.000-07:00

Yesterday a student of mine, Chris, says to me, "Mrs. Chai, I think you should get all your work done right away after school, and then go straight home! Then you should take a nap, get up just to eat dinner, and then go back to sleep again. Get plenty of rest before coming to school again. " Boy, I must have looked so tired and sick for him to say that. Also, how SWEET! This is why I love my job. I have interactions like this every day. Pure, caring, innocent children who want to be peacemakers in this world.

I really love Ellie, my niece! We're not blood-related, but I felt a tug in my heart for her, the kind that makes you feel all at once in love with someone and all at once afraid to lose the person. Then I thought, my goodness! How much more does Christine feel that for her own daughter?? Then I took it a step further and thought, how much more does our heavenly Father love His children?

2004-10-12T15:37:00.000-07:00

I'm here sitting at home because I'm sick. :( And my husband is coming home late tonight so I need to fend for myself. Wah. I hate being sick. I thought I was going to avoid the sickness thing this fall. I was so vigilant (new word I learned this year) about washing my hands, and putting anti-bacterial stuff on whenever I handled children. But alas. My sore throat is now egging on my chronic bronchial cough. Wah. Hopefully I can go to school tomorrow, but we'll see.

I hate missing school! Today was Book Report Day, and I feel like I let my kids down. They worked so hard to prepare their presentations, and I'm not even there to grade them. Also, it was Picture Day. Teachers get to take individual pictures for free! Last year, I got my free 5 by 7 photo and didn't know what to do with it, so I put it in one of our wedding photo frames (since I didn't really have a favorable picture from my wedding to put in it).

Anyways, I had to wake up at 5:30am this morning to call a sub, and then spent about 30-45 min. typing up a sub plan and sending it to the sub. Then I slept until noon. I decided to catch up on peoples' thoughts pages, and then decided to write one myself.

Growing up, I pretty much never went to the doctor or dentist. I only remember going once to the doctor to get a required shot. I don't remember ever going from fifth grade on. As for the dentist, I went regularly until sixth grade, when I got my braces. Then I don't remember ever going until I became an adult, which was about a decade later and I discovered I had fourteen cavities. I think my mom thought the orthodontist was the same thing as the dentist.

Our family was never one of those doctor-ish/scientific families. My mother was always into the latest Korean health fads that made no sense whatsoever. My dad was the same way. In fact, he would bring strange products home and say we should use them because it was "healthy." No further explanation. Once we had this product, a small plastic thing, that you were supposed to throw into the laundry, instead of laundry detergent. What the?? No powder, no liquid, no nothing. Just plastic, exuding some kind of magnetic force. And the stranger thing was, my mom TRIED it!

When I went off to college, my dad gave me a pillow to try out because it was "healthy." It was covered in some kind of gold foil material. Being a good, obedient daughter, I said OK. Even ask my freshman roommate Sabrina about my gold pillow. It was so uncomfortable!!! We had great laughs about it. It matched Sabrina's dress once for the Viennese Ball, so we took a picture of her holding it. I should see if I still have it!

Anyways, needless to say, I got sick often my freshman year.

I'm not sure if it was the gold pillow, or just the lack of knowing how to take care of myself. I never went to the doctor's, so I didn't know how to make an appointment for myself. I never really ate proper medicine, so I didn't know how to buy it for myself.

Today I'm a different person. I now know to go visit the doctor every year, and the dentist every twice a year. When the doctor prescribes something, I'm supposed to finish the whole prescription. When I have a cough, I should buy some cough drops or some kind of cough suppressant to help it die down. When I'm allergied, I should take an anti-histamine of some sort. Didn't know that til college. I watched my mom suffer from allergies my whole life, and I don't think she knew about Sudafed or Claritin. Sad.

I wonder how my brothers are doing in terms of health and teeth.

2004-10-05T21:26:00.000-07:00

What is it about "Everybody Loves Raymond" that's so hilarious? There are moments where the actors have to pause for like 10 seconds to wait for the laughter to die down. I laugh out loud. The relationship between a husband and wife, and how it progresses over the years, is one of the main themes of the show. It's overly exaggerated, to the point of being comical. Yet, I can relate so well to the problems that come up between Ray and his wife.

2004-10-04T22:51:00.000-07:00

OK. I can't keep a secret. I joined Curves. I was going to keep it all secret, go work out in stealth for a couple of months, trick everyone into thinking that I'm some sloth, and then say aha! I am buff. Tomorrow is my first time working out at the facility. I'm pretty nervous because I don't think I can hack it. But Curves has a lot of ways to motivate women like me. They have Curve Bucks, and if you earn them, you can buy merchandise with them. The way you earn is to be spirited and wear clothing related to the theme of the week, and if you attend regularly. EXTRINSIC MOTIVATION. Gotta love it. The guy who thought of Curves is a genius. And a great entrepreneur. Let's see if this will be the thing that will get me off of my butt. Have you thought of joining a Curves near you?

2004-09-20T21:41:00.000-07:00

Do you know one of my pet peeves is Cal/Stanford rivalry? Let me explain. As background information, I think both Cal and Stanford are fine institutions. They're just different. Public vs. private, for one. The list goes on. Having majored in Asian American Studies, I think Cal would have been a better choice for me in terms of academic niche.

But why so much pride? And why so much hatred? On both sides? Cal friends of mine are sometimes saying things like, "Go bears for life," and other such "til-death-do-you-part" statements. Even those who go on to grad school at Stanford, who sometimes spend more time at Stanford than at Cal, are blue and gold forever. Is it friendly loyalty? Or is there something more?

And Stanford people sometimes think they're above it all. "Oh, those Cal people are always hurting the tree at Big Games. I don't know why they're sooo into the rivalry. I'm not." Oh please. You're as proud as they are. Just maybe expressed differently. You know you like to flash around your Stanford name to impress. You know you want your kids to go there. You know you're so proud and pompous in your heart.

There have been little snippets of hope. For reconciliation. For healing. When we were in Seattle, Danny was too timid to go up to a Stanford basketball guy, so Miriam (a Cal grad) lets go of her pride and shouts with all of her might, "Go Cardinal!!!" And the tall basketball player hears it across the street, gives a fist punch of recognition, and walks on. That, to me, is reconciliation and healing. It was a moment when loyalty to a friend was more important than loyalty to what school you went to. We need more of these moments, where people from Cal are willing to say things like, "Yeah, Stanford's a good school. In fact, I'm going to grad school there," and people from Stanford are willing to say, "Wow, Cal won the Big Game? That's great!"

Maybe I'm being too idealistic. I don't care. I still believe in the power of love. "Don't be a hater." I'll be the first person to say that I like Cal. I have many dear friends from Cal. I wish I went to Cal for a summer to take some classes with Takaki. I think Cal is cool.

2004-09-12T22:56:00.000-07:00

Should I try yoga?

2004-09-04T23:53:00.000-07:00

Another wedding. This one took me back to the past. They got married at the same place we got married, so it was cool reminiscing. Then we had this elaborate Chinese banquet-style dinner at Ming's, which was where we had our rehearsal dinner two years ago. Brought back a lot of memories. I've talked about this a lot before, but I'm not sure if I ever wrote about it. I always tell Danny that I want to get married again in ten years. A renewal of vows, but this time, do the wedding the right way. :) For most people, planning a wedding is really the first wedding that they plan, so they don't know what to expect. Wouldn't it be great to plan a wedding after you've been through it once already? For example, you would know how to:

1. Choose a dress that you really really like
2. Schedule a make-up person that you really like
3. Go with a photographer that you really like
4. Tell the hair person how to adjust the veil so that it can come off later
5. Invite only those people that you really like
6. Ask some friends to take pictures of you with your own camera so that you don't have only the professional photographer taking pictures
7. Allocate about 7 to 8 hours total for the whole affair, ceremony and reception and all
8. Have the wedding in LA, where your family doesn't have to drive up the 101, even when you told them to drive up the 5 because it's faster

I'm not saying that I didn't like my wedding. I loved it. The ceremony was wonderful. I just missed out on hanging out with people on account of poor planning. And really, that's the most important thing to me, to celebrate with people who are happy for us. So in ten years, hopefully we'll have a renewing of vows ceremony.

2004-08-25T22:11:00.000-07:00

I will have seventeen kids this year. I already know six of the families because I had their older siblings! Have I been teaching for that long? This will be my fifth year of teaching. I definitely have a handle on things more now, but no matter how long you've been teaching, you still don't know what the first day of school will bring you. Serendipitous surprise or devastating disaster (practicing alliteration).

First day of school memories: (as a teacher)

1. Parent walking in with a video camera filming her cute little kid getting all her supplies out
2. A shy girl whose huge eyes welled up with tears because she was afraid to start third grade
3. Disruptive kid walking into the classroom saying, "Oh great. What are we going to do in here." (I should've known the minute he walked in to control the situation! He caused me trouble all year. If I run into a student like that NOW, I would make him walk back into the classroom with a better attitude, and keep doing it until he gets it right. But what did I know back then. He ended up getting suspended during the year for throwing a chair in my class, and by the end of the year he got kicked out of school.)
4. A girl who loved school that said, "I love school! I don't want to leave!" and gave me a big hug at the end of the first day.

I wonder how the first day of school will be this time. Will tell of all the drama soon...

2004-08-23T00:22:00.000-07:00

I spoke too soon. Olympic gymnastics is actually not over. One more day of Carly Patterson and Paul Hamm. Tonight I watched men's pommel horse and rings, women's uneven bars and vault. There is an uncanny resemblance between Teng Haibin of China (gold medal winner for pommel horse) and my brother Giwoong. I was shrieking with laughter because I didn't know that my older brother had been secretly training for China's men's gymnastics team. :) I called home, and urged my family to watch and see if I was right. There were murmurs of agreement.

Anyways, on to my emotions. Lately I've been feeling a bit off. I can't quite explain what I mean, but in different social settings, I would go into it saying, "I'm not going to be so outgoing or weird and all-out today. I'm just going to act normal." There are many things wrong with this statement. First of all, the fact that I'm mentally preparing myself before a given situation says that I'm not being truly myself. Second, NORMAL?? Me?? When does that ever happen? If you ever see me "being" normal, you can be assured that it's all an act. For some reason I don't want to be the real me, maybe because I'm tired of taking initiative, tired of getting rejected, tired of being vulnerable to people. I'm not sure what it is. Third, being a natural extrovert, I receive energy from being with people. But when I go into a situation saying that I will not socialize as much with other people, I'm purposefully not receiving any strength or energy from others. And this affects me later on, after I leave the situation. Because I did not receive the proper amount of recharging from others, I go away feeling dissatisfied, and end up wanting to hang out with people more. But of course, my friends aren't going to be there for me at midnight or whatever ungodly hour I go to bed, so then I start to feel like I have no friends. Which is absurd. And I know this cycle all too well. I go through periods of feeling like no one wants to hang out with me, but really, it's because I start believing lies that come in when I try to ACT a certain way that is not ME.

Is this crazy? Does anyone else do this? Go into a situation saying that they will not be their natural selves. The mere fact that I do this is weird. And weirdness is a quality that becomes me. So in essence, maybe I'm still being myself.

2004-08-22T00:19:00.000-07:00

Olympic gymnastics holds a special place in my heart. From "Nadia" the movie to Mary Lou Retton, from Amy Chow to my new hero Carly Patterson, I have thoroughly enjoyed watching gymnastics every four years. When I was younger I would get some masking tape and create a makeshift balance beam on our living room floor. I would perform my little heart out, and always end up getting a 10! As a 26-year-old, I still have to do cartwheels while watching Olympic gymnastics. I'm so glad I found people with whom I can share this itch.

Now that gymnastics is over, and my heart can beat normally again, the Olympics is over for me. I have no desire to watch anymore. Did you know that there is Olympic walking??? We watched it at midnight, and it was ridiculous! There's also trampouline flipping. So random.

2004-08-09T01:02:00.000-07:00

I saw John Park get married this weekend. Woohoo! He snagged a good one. I've been to so many weddings, it's hard to really get into each wedding that we go to nowadays. I try really hard not to fall into that attitude of "what? another wedding??"

At this particular wedding, I really liked the message. The husband is called to love his bride, and the wife is called to respect her groom. It's a simple cycle; yet it's so hard. I'm sure Danny gets tired of loving me sacrificially, as Christ did for the Church. How can man be expected to do something so supernatural as giving up one's life for his wife? And yet husbands are called on that high of a level to love. I think this is why I really think that the guy should pursue after the girl, and show his love to her by reaching out. It's a picture of how God pursues us, and sacrifices Himself for us.

And I'm sure I'll get tired of respecting Danny all the time (although this has never happened). Through all his career pursuits (which are many and varied, mind you), all of his hobbies (including reading Spiderman comics on the computer, playing Fantasy baseball, Mindsweeper, etc.), and all of his decisions big and small, I'm called to respect him. I think I can do that. I'm willing to do that. I want to do it. In fact, I promised to do that! Every year I'm discovering exactly what I promised when I said "I do" on that June day in 2002. :) My main concern that day was to not ruin my make-up, which was moot because the make-up sucked anyway. I only scratched the surface of knowing what it means to be married.

The message this weekend renewed my sense of what a marriage is supposed to look like. Marriage is great!

2004-08-05T16:53:00.000-07:00

I am such a ham. I know it. I accept it as a part of me. I used to take offense at people saying, "You're such a ham!" But that's all past me. I am a ham. Ham I am. We have to do this skit in Chinese class for the oral final. And I think some people would just prefer not to be up there. The teacher even said, "You don't have to act. Just memorize your lines." What??!! Not ACT? In a skit? I was pretty much shocked at what she said. But then I looked around and saw that many in the class were not cut from the same ham as I. In fact, most people would rather crawl under a turtle shell and stay there learning Chinese. Even if my tones are all off, and I'm the worst one in the class, I still love to get up there in front of the class to take in the spotlight. Ham I am.

2004-08-03T22:16:00.000-07:00

New thing I learned about my Chinese. My teacher told me that my "r" sound was sounding a lot like "r/l", which is interesting because I was purposefully doing the "r/l" sound. Why, you ask? Because that's what I heard, so I was just replicating the sound. But, it turns out that I was hearing it wrong. So she corrected me to say it as purely "r" and not "r/l."

The thing is, I think being Korean-American helped me be flexible. If I were just Korean, I don't think I would be able to distinguish or even produce that sound. Or at least it would be really difficult. In the Korean language, there is no "r" sound. There's only "r/l" and pure "l" sound. That's why my mother had a terrible time saying "girl". It came out as "gull".

Because I learned English at such an early age, I have the ability and the ease to distinguish between the "r" and "r/l" sound. Thank you.

As much as I love learning Chinese and taking this class, I will be so glad when finals are over this Friday. And then on to LA for a wedding!

2004-08-02T00:13:00.000-07:00

I've been taking a three-week intensive Chinese course for the past two weeks. I have one more week left, and I just have to say that I love it and I hate it. I love it because it brings me closer to my lifetime goal of TEN languages, it allows me to write a letter to my friend Carey in Chinese, and it takes me on field trips to Cupertino Village to interview various shopkeepers. I hate it because the the characters are so freakin hard to learn, I'm slower than the rest of the native Chinese people in the class, and I've been sleeping every day for the past two weeks at 3am doing homework or studying for a quiz! But I love it more than I hate it. So it's all good.

Another thing I LOVE doing is hosting people/having people over. Why, you ask? I grew up never really being able to ask my friends to sleep over comfortably. No extra room. Two brothers walking around styling their hair and flexing their muscles in front of the mirror. No real space to comfortably call it a "guest room". So now that we have this awesome two-room apartment, I totally want to share it with my friends and offer it to people who need a place to crash. Latest overnight guests: Christine, Barbara, Marshall, Carey, and Jean! I should have kept a guest comment book so people can sign and give us suggestions, etc. :)