Every once in a while I sit back and analyze my friendships. I go through stages of feeling like I have no friends. I had a lot of those waves in college, and they were much more painful for some reason. I think I'm going through one right now, as we speak, but I'm not sure. It's definitely not as dramatic as it was in college. I'm much more secure now as a married person. Having a constant companion really "settles" you down. And I'm totally thankful to have someone with whom I can share my life. BTW, Danny broke out in hives last night, and for the past 24 hours it's been non-stop taking cold baths/showers, feeling drowsy from the medicine, sleeping like crazy, and willing with all his might not to scratch the itch. I admire Danny's ability to not scratch so much. And, he's a very non-demanding sick person. When I am sick, believe you me, you will KNOW that I am sick.

Anyways, back to friendships. In a lot of ways, having a life-long best friend has given me both a sense of security and confidence, and also has handicapped me. Let me explain. Karen and I have been friends forever. BFF. From the moment I initiated trying to be friends, to the barbie adventures, to the horrors of adolescence, through the ups and downs, Karen has been my rock. It was nice having someone who always remembered my birthday (although I forgot her birthday once - oops!) and functioned in a lot of ways like a sister-I-never-had. So, she was always there. Even if we went to different high schools, she was still in Cerritos. I used to play a trick where, if our family went over to their house for a visit, I would pretend that I was sooooo tired, and couldn't get up to go home. So then, Karen or her sister would pipe up and say to my mom, "Why don't you let her sleep over??" And I would say, "What a great idea!!!" Or something like that, and I would end up sleeping over at their house, again. Literally their house felt like my second home (their HUGE house, might I add). Of course, as all relationships do, it took a lot of work to stay close as we got older. I remember once in high school telling Karen over the phone, "You know, we should bond more. I don't just mean a superficial bonding, but real covalent bonding, like hydrogen atoms." Do you remember this, Karen?

Anyways, because I was always secure about our friendship, I also tended to think that I didn't need to make other friends. But this was hard since we didn't attend the same school. And after a while, we attended different churches. So it became essential that I make other friends in other areas of my world, but I think I had difficulty. I didn't know how to make a friend other than Karen! In high school I can only think of a handful of friends that I had, and really only two friends that I actually hung out with on a regular basis. I buried myself in my studies and extracurricular activities, and I was hard-core church girl. My weekend was basically church. I didn't go out and socialize, I wasn't invited to parties or birthdays, and being a major homebody didn't help at all. So then Joe Kwan says, "But you were homecoming queen," indicating that I must have been popular and that I must have had many friends. All I can say is that I think I was very public (Colorguard and Christian club leadership), and half my school was either on band or in Christian club. Plus, it was a support-the-underdog, the one in touch with the masses, the one that wouldn't normally be nominated but seems kinda quirky kind of thing. So that's my story.

In college, I was never consistently secure about my friendships. Making friends was just very difficult for me. I know Karen didn't have a problem because when I see her college pictures and albums, she had tons of friends, and more importantly, a group of close friends. I kinda had that, but not really. Instead of being handicapped, I think Karen was more free to make other friends because she had a magnetic personality. We were both secure in our friendship, but whereas she felt free, I felt handicapped (for lack of a better word). I'm not saying that I had no friends! By all means I'm not saying that Karen was the cause or that it was her fault that I was a dork. It's just, I felt insecure about my friendships sometimes. It would go in waves. I would be perfectly happy, and then boom, totally doubtful. But I learned a lot about friendships in college. I realized that different people express their friendship in different ways. I just had to accept that.

So it brings me to today. Karen and I are still best friends forever. :) BFF. We're in similar life stages, married and working professionals. We live in different parts of California, but talk to each other almost every day. I do realize that I need friends in the bay area. I recently went to Christina's birthday dinner, and was very impressed with the way she is able to make friends wherever she goes. She was my first friend at Stanford, and we're still good friends to this day. But I only see her a couple times every six months.

Since I got married, I've been becoming better friends with Danny's friends. I hang out more with his friends than he does with mine. I wonder why that is. But I'd like to have some good friends with whom I can "hang" in Sunnyvale. A peer with whom I can relate on a personal level. I now have church friends, which is good, but transitioning into hang-out everyday friends has been difficult. Normally I'm not this insecure and doubtful, but I go in stages. Maybe today I just had a lonely day. I don't know. This actually gets into the heart of why I like Friends the TV show so much. They have each other in the same city, they hang out together, make fun of each other, and grow with each other. I think I want that. I know it's kinda dumb, but I just think it would be nice.

***Disclaimer: If you are my friend and you're reading this, I still think you're my friend!!!! I'm just being stupid, I know. It's just how I'm feeling at the moment.