Baby Blues

We went to LA this past weekend. I was so nervous about flying on the plane with an infant, but it turned out OK. This is one of my favorite pictures from the weekend. Abby and Warren bumping heads, but having no idea that they're next to each other. Warren is Norma's second son. We all had lunch at their place. There were five adults, three infants, and one toddler. It was great seeing old friends and sharing a meal together. But it's just not the same anymore. Mothers are constantly concerned about their little ones. I'm wolfing down my food so that I'll be ready at a moment's notice to attend to Abby, Karen is chasing after Aaron to make sure he doesn't run into a wall or fall down the stairs, and Norma is disciplining Aidan while Warren starts to fuss for his nap. There are all kinds of gadgets/toys everywhere, and "Blues Clues" is on in the background. It's hard to carry on a conversation. I don't feel like I really know what's going on in Sangsoo's life. What are Norma's deepest desires? What does Karen struggle with lately? No clue.

I've been reading this book called Tender Mercy for a Mother's Soul. It said something interesting that I relate to strongly:

"Loving my children can fill me up, but some days, it will completely empty my soul. To raise children means that you are constantly giving - all of your energies, all of your emotion, all of your time. Often I realize that my well is empty, my mind is numb, and my heart is heavy. There is nothing left for anyone. I am given out."

I am a people-pleaser and an extrovert. I love serving others emotionally. But lately, I'm empty. I'm all given out. My other roles have been put to a halt. I know I was once a wife. I remember serving my husband. I used to cook and clean the house. I know I was once a good friend. I remember calling people, writing letters, and making appointments.

Lately, I tend to hang out with other mothers because we all have an understanding. I don't have to apologize as much. I attended a breastfeeding mothers support group in order to hang out with other people whose attention gets distracted every 15 minutes. I was in line at the grocery store the other day and I saw a magazine featuring Jennifer Garner and her daughter Violet. I immediately thought, "Oh, we should hang out." Ha.

Anyways, I just feel empty. The book goes on to say that the emptiness needs to be filled with God. So yeah, that's my struggle: to fill myself with God so that I can overflow, not only to my daughter, but to everyone around me. All the books warned of postpartum depression and postpartum blues. I think I experienced a little bit of the blues.

I look at this picture of Warren and Abby, and I wonder if they'll grow up knowing each other. I wonder if they'll be friends. Whatever happens, I know that for now, they're so cute I can't stand it! A little blues is worth it for a precious picture like this.