I watched "Anger Management" tonight. Marisa Tomei was in it. She's so great! They should have mentioned that in the advertisements. I only knew that Adam Sandler and Jack Nicholas were in it. I thought it was a very good movie.

My life is not that exciting, I realized. It's very stable. Very settled. I think I know what it means to "get married and settle down somewhere." Don't get me wrong. I feel very rooted. I feel like this is where Danny and I are supposed to be right now. But, the most exciting thing I'm doing this week is cooking dinner for five people tonight. Jay, Joe, Slim, Danny, and me. I'm going to try to make some Japanese food. We'll see how it turns out. Jay is in town for like a week, so it should be a fun time of reconnecting and reminiscing.

I found a note on my desk at the end of class today from a student of mine:

"Dear Mrs. Chai: I thank you for teaching me and other students because I know it's hard to not lose control."

What an observant and precocious child. He's one of my quieter kids. Very mature for his age. Great kid! It's these moments when an 8-year-old kid thanks me that I know why I do what I do. And I enjoy it immensely. Today I got to teach parallel and intersecting lines. We also did a hands-on project where the kids made a 3-D model of Hades. And, I got to choose some of my favorite books for them to read for book clubs: Charlotte's Web, Little House on the Prairie, James and the Giant Peach, and The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.

But truly, I'm so glad the school day is over. I'm so thoroughly exhausted when the kids leave. Now I can catch up on some personal business, prepare for the next day, and tutor in peace.

I have cold feet and cold hands as well. I remember last year when I was working out, I had this weird sensation in my hands. I realized that the blood was circulating through them and that they were actually warm. I guessed that because I was working out and getting my heart pumping, I felt that my hands were warm. Ever since then, I realized that having cold feet and hands might have something to do with my heart and circulation.

The other day I was playing the guitar and trying to sing a song in a lower key. I couldn't quite get the tune, so I was fumbling a lot. I must have sounded very funny. In fact, Danny was playing Spider Solitaire nearby, and he found it extremely humorous. It made him laugh so hard that he had to physically get up from his computer chair and collapse onto the futon until he could regain control of his body. It was one of those laughs where your sides hurt so much, and at the same time you're shrieking with delight you are also screaming in pain. I was so amused by this that I stopped playing guitar and started laughing too. That's the Chai household. Weird. Our kids are going to be soooo weird.

We just found out that a sixth grader at my school passed away last weekend. They told us at our faculty meeting today. It was the worst piece of news I've heard in a long time. I didn't even know the girl, but I cried. I cried because it just didn't seem fair. This week is going to be very heavy and somber. Everything that I was thinking that day didn't seem to matter compared to the gravity of the situation. All my pettiness with other people paled in comparison, and I was floored. I know that death comes to us all. I have often pondered about my own death and the deaths of my loved ones at some point. When will it be? How will it end? But I guess death has a way of surprising people. The pain and the grief that accompanies death magnifies our love for one another. And I realized that I haven't been a loving person lately. I know this is only somewhat making sense, but these are just my thoughts.

Sunday afternoon naps. This is so crucial to me. Today I slept for three hours in the afternoon. A bunch of us from church had lunch at Pasta? and then when I came home, it was time for a nap. And then I thought Alias was on tonight. sniff. But it wasn't. Not even a rerun episode. It was "Who Wants to be a Super Millionaire?" with Regis. I was so disappointed. I was looking forward to seeing Sydney Bristow on screen. But I think I have to wait another two weeks. Oh well. Life goes on.

On a more serious note, I'm thinking about my next vacation plans and summer plans, and I would like to visit different countries.

I love sleeping in until 11:00am. Should I change jobs so that I can wake up at that time? Should I just bite the bullet and become an engineer? Ouch.

I went snowboarding for the first time this week. And I must say, I picked it up pretty quickly. But I realized something about myself. Danny says this about me all the time. I don't challenge myself. And sadly, it's true. I picked up snowboarding fundamentals, and I'm pretty satisfied where I am. I have no desire to challenge myself a little bit further and become a little bit better. In fact, I don't know if I'll ever snowboard again. I have this "been there, done that" attitude about it. Or maybe I just don't like it enough. In any case, I do realize that I don't challenge myself enough.

Guess what?? I just read Susan's page and found out that she went to Step class. Well, the coinky-dink is that I went to Step class too! It was a typical Tuesday. I was tired from work and wanted to just watch TV for five hours straight to unwind from a day of teaching and thinking and giving the eye to my students when they misbehave and all that good stuff. But I had made a promise to myself. I shall go to Step class. It took me a while to figure out where this gym was located and when I arrived, I realized I had no idea what to do. I had never REALLY gone to the gym, and now here I was trying to take a class. There were all these unspoken rules that I had to figure out. For Step class, you need to sign up, go grab a step, and then find a place to plop down. Of course, I don't know anything, so I just sit on someone else's step and wait for class to start. Everyone is either reading a magazine, lounging on their step, or talking to their friend. I try acting nonchalant, as if I've been there before, and start stretching. Right as the instructor is about to start, the owner of the step comes over and says "This is my spot." Whoops! so I scramble away, find the last step, and then with the help of a kind stepper, I manage to find a place near the front.

My goodness! What a workout. It was an advanced Step class and it was my first time. It took me some time to get used to the commands, like "V-step," "shuffle," and I forgot the rest. You should've seen me! You would be proud. I was keeping up and was pretty good, but nowhere near as good as the middle-aged Korean woman in back of me. I watched her in the mirror, and she not only had the footwork, but she was doing fancy motions with her arms! I was kind of jealous, but also proud to be Korean. Yes, even in Step class, I feel a strong sense of my ethnic background.

On that note, I noticed that most of the women there were Asian. There was one African-American woman in the bunch. She was talking the whole hour while all the Asian women were silent. It was so telling. The culture split was so evident. I wish I could be more call-and-responsey. But it's just not my nature. I suppose I could get into it if the majority of the people were responding. Looking around the room, I knew that most women felt the way I did: The teacher is talking and so I must not talk back. The teacher is a person of authority and must not be questioned. To respond to the teacher means that I think I'm on the same level as her.

Anyways, I enjoyed Step class and would go again. The next class I want to try is a spinning class. There's an "Easy Spin" class in the Campbell gym that would probably fit me best. The exercising adventures of Jieun continues...

It's ridiculous how much I need to go to the bathroom, but I can't until 3:20pm. I have back-to-back classes, and so I have to wait until after school and after carpool duty! Right now it's 2:15pm. One more hour of holding it in.

The reason why I'm not watching the Super Bowl right now and why I'm generally not into sports at all is because of my brothers. Because both of them were so heavily into baseball, and watching Monday night football, and playing basketball, etc., it drove me crazy. I went the opposite way. I wanted to watch anything on TV besides sports. So I watched Family Matters. To this day, I have a love for sit coms, no matter how bad they are. As long as I'm not watching sports.

I realize now that I should have supported by brothers more. I should have watched more of their baseball games. I should have listened when they rattled off the stats of Dodgers players. I should have learned the intracacies of football strategy. But alas, all I see are overgrown men who attack each other and get injured all the time.

I always feel so sad when my mom is in KoReA. I don't know if most of you know this, but I talk to my mom almost every day. I call her to find out how to make a certain kind of stew, or to ask how to sew a button, or to ask for prayer about something small or big, or to simply ask how her day was. I feel very lucky to have a mother with whom I have made a friendship as I became an adult. When you're young, your mom is your mom. But as you become an adult, there's a change. You can become close friends or distant relatives.

We run into conflicts sometimes, and I tell her how I feel and she tells me how she feels. We work it out, and resolve them. It's really quite amazing how this works out. Anyways, I just wanted to say that I miss her when she is out of the country. I have no one to call every day, except for Danny and Karen. Anyways, she has passed her citizenship test this year, and will soon become a citizen of the UnItEd StAtEs of AmErIcA. I'm very proud of her. She's earned it. The interviewer asked her, "What are the 13 original colonies?" And she rattled them off one by one without so much as a pause.

I experienced the power of connections today. At the gym, I signed up for a free three-month membership that my friend gave me. But it was restricted to only one facility, no classes, and I could go only three times a week. Then, I mentioned that I was a teacher at HiLlBroOk School, and he said, "Oh? I used to go there! For eight years." He then proceeded to relay the happiest moments of his childhood that was apparently spent at HiLlBrOok School. Because of my connections to this school, he gave me full access to all five facilities in the bay area, any class I wanted to attend (even those new bike classes), and any day of the week. Wow!

I took this as a sign from the Lord that I really have no excuse for the next three months to get some exercise. It's quite scary how flabby I've become. My nice rippling arm muscles from my cheer and colorguard days are no longer in existence; in its place are soft sacs of fat. But no more I tell you! This is the year that Jieun takes care of her body. Aerobic exercise, flexibility, toned muscles... these are my goals. Plus, Danny is my inspiration. Seriously, for two years straight, he's been going to the gym pretty consistently. What results! You should check him out next time you see him. As for me, I'll give an update on how I'm doing next week.

A good thing about being a teacher besides getting all those vacation days is that you get to live out "school" again without having the academic pressures. I feel like I'm living vicariously through these children. Being the official spelling bee coordinator for my school this year, I get to set up all the rules and participate in a spelling bee in a way that I've never done before. I was a pretty good speller when I was young, but I didn't have the opportunity to be in a spelling bee. This is my chance!

Also, I am one of the dance choreographers for the 8th grade play. This year we're doing "Wizard of Oz." I get to be part of a play/musical! Never in my high school career was this a reality. But now it is. I have all kinds of responsibilities such as helping with casting, singing, and dancing. I'm having a blast.

Oh, and I also got to tell my students and faculty that we should use the term "Lunar New Year" as a more inclusive term rather than "Chinese New Year," since a lot of countries/cultures celebrate the new moon. I realize that Chinese New Year is the most popular because of the presence of Chinese Americans, but I thought it would be cool to mention that it's actually more inclusive to say Lunar New Year. The principal complimented me on bringing it up. She's really into diversity and inclusivity.

I get soooo angry at blatant racism. GRrrrrrr!

I just read Mark and Sandy's page. I can't believe they had to go through that. When will America learn from her mistakes in the past?

It's amazing how sleep-deprived I am. I think that ever since third grade, when I had a brother who was in junior high, I started going to sleep really late. My little brother recently told me that I was a zombie going through high school. All I did was study and go through the motions. Maybe that was true! I stayed up late nights "studying" and writing papers. And it was the same in college as well. I scheduled my classes so that I could wake up late. Even then, many a class did I miss! And now that I'm a teacher, I'm dying. I sleep about 5 to 6 hours a night. But, my optimal number of hours is 8. That means I'm in debt about 12 hours per week. And it keeps adding up. I wish I were an engineer, just lilke my husband!

I was bored and looked up my name on Google. I came across dave's entry on my engagement dinner back in January of 2002. It was hilarious.

"its sort of a korean thing that when you meet someone for the first time, you have to sing a song. Not all the time, but it's common. Scott kim knows this-- when he met one of his relatives in korea (and i was there), he had to sing a song. He chose forever young. But anyhow, i'll tell that story another day.

but yeah, it's just a korean thing. so yeah, all those in the us planning to go to korea, be prepared to sing a song."

It's true!!!!!!!!! You do have to be prepared with a song. In fact, I sang "Take my Hand" by The Kry at Norma's engagement dinner party. There was a lull in the conversation, and Norma's mom said, "Let's sing a song! Who will sing a song for us?" I knew immediately that we had to organize and get it over with, because it's no use refusing politely. You'll end up doing it in the end. So my table got up and sang "Take My Hand," clapping in the background and everything. Of course, I initiated and encouraged (forced) everyone to do it.

When I met some Korean people in a different part of the world for the first time while I was traveling, I was introduced as the teacher from America to a crowd of people. I was with my mom, and all of a sudden, the crowd wanted a song in English! I was mortified, but my I could see that my mom was already planning for us to sing. So, I just swallowed my American pride, and we ended up singing a nice duet rendition of "God is so good." Hallelujah.

This is an entry I wrote a while back. It was only a couple of months ago, but I've changed so much since then...

"You know, it is hard to maintain your independence
once you are married. I guess the very nature of
being married is being one. But, I would have to say
that I am distinctly an individual apart from Danny,
as well as one with him. Sort of like the trinity.
All God, but all man. Three persons, one God. You'll
never figure it out.

So anyways, I was thinking about this because Henry
said something interesting. (Yes, Henry!) He treats
me as if I were Danny. Or, in other words, he acts
exactly the same way to me as he does Danny. (Maybe
not EXACTLY, but pretty closely.) That is so
interesting. I don't think I treat married couples
that way. I definitely treat Henry differently than I
do Lorraine.

So going back to my point, I feel like I've been
losing my independence. I know I shouldn't. On good
days, I realize that I CHOOSE to give up my
individuality for the sake of us being one in mind and
heart. For example, we have certain roles in the
home. Danny takes out the trash and I cook. Those
are roles that we set for each other. We chose to
divvy them up. It's not that as individuals we can
not perform the tasks. Like, before Danny, I took out
the trash all by myself. And I'm sure Danny cooked
something to eat sometime. But now we have CHOSEN to
give up the right/privilege ? as individuals to rely
upon one another. That's why when I'm gone on a trip,
people ask if Danny is starving, and offer to cook him
dinner. Because they inherently know that that was my
role. In other marriages I'm sure it's different who
takes what role, etc. And when Danny goes away, I get
shocked that I have to take out the trash. At first I
am numb and will ignore the task. But when it becomes
unbearable, I have to exert all my energy in taking
out the trash. When thinking about this objectively,
it is absurd! I was quite the capable woman before I
got married. I'm not saying that I'm not capable
anymore; I just forget to assert my individuality
sometimes.

OK, so here's the point of my whole entry. I just
write this entry and send it to Danny, who then puts
it up for me. I was totally fine with it, but now,
I'm thinking, what if I want to control this myself?
I don't have the darndest idea how to put up my own
thoughts on the web. Xanga? Should I go that route?
Bloggers? Javascript? ohmy! What am I talking
about? I have no clue. So anyways, this is what I'm
thinking. I want to be in charge of my own thoughts
page so as to assert my individuality, as I am in a
happy marriage that celebrates the idea of oneness."

It's been a perfect Thanksgiving. This year Danny and I decided it would just be the two of us. At first, I was like, "But what about the family!!! What about the love!!!" But it's been great because I realized that we are family. And we are in love. :) Probably next year we'll go to LA or something, but this year, we had Thanksgiving dinner at California Cafe in Los Gatos. Then we went to San Luis Obispo. We walked all night at Farmer's Market and had a blast. Right now we're in an internet cafe waiting for our movie to start. Elf. And tomorrow we get to see Hearst Castle! I've just been having the time of my life. And you know for Danny, having an internet cafe break is GREAT.

So we're going to have a busy December. First weekend is Miriam and Minho's wedding, in which we're both involved. My mother-in-law, sister-in-law, and her husband will be staying with us. Then the week after, Karen is coming to visit!! The week after that, Las Vegas, baby. With my college friends. Then Houston. Then LA for another wedding.

Which reminds me. I have two weddings to attend this month, and I can't figure out what to wear for both of them. I'm so sad that there are no clothes out there that fits my taste. Maybe it's partly that I don't have a fashion sense. It can very well be that I'm just a dud. But, I'm looking for specific things in clothing, and I can't seem to find them. Or, if I do, it's too expensive to buy. I wish I can design my own clothing.

My students are creating PowerPoint presentations for their parents on Tuesday, and we've been madly trying to finish them. Today one student deleted her second slide, but I guess didn't know what to do about it, so she just started working on it all over again. Instead calling me over and asking me to undo what she just did, she went ahead and started working on it. It's lost forever. She started crying. My students are only in third grade, and are already experiencing the pain of losing work on the computer. It reminded me of the time in college that I had to write my whole paper again because I accidentally deleted it. I hated that gut-wrenching feeling. So, I'm going to do what I can to help her out during lunch.

My grandmother passed away several days ago. Since she lived in Korea, I was never too close to her. I only saw her every couple of years, but she was the only grandmother I knew. I remember there was a time when she visited America, and stayed with us for a couple of months. The two most important things she made sure she taught me during that time was 1) to always hand over a pair of scissors handle-side first and 2) that I am from the "mi-ryang" Park tribe. There are apparently three major kinds of Parks, and she really wanted me to know which one I belonged to. Perhaps she contributed to my sense of identity. Some Korean-Americans never know what kind of Kim or Lee or Choi they are, and it's not that important to them. But because my grandmother taught me, I remember and feel like I know who I am and where I come from.