Letter-Writing

Let's go back to keeping in touch the old-fashioned way: writing letters! I recently wrote a bunch of thank you cards. And in the process of finding the right words to say, and slapping on a stamp to send it to that special someone, I was reminded of my youth. I used to write letters when I was young. I remember sending Karen letters to her Cerritos home from my Cerritos home. Danny asked me how we kept in touch if she moved away from my street at age 6, and we never attended the same school afterwards. I guess I saw her at church on Sundays, but I think the key was letters! We sent each other letters and wrote about the boring details of our suburban lives. So anyways, I'm going to TRY to write some letters this year.

Home stretch. Three more weeks until the DUE DATE. March 21st. Am I ready for the life change? Perhaps. I don't know! We'll see. I got an ultrasound done today, and found out that my baby is approximately 6 pounds. Everything looks normal. I'm just a little petite, that's all. Here I am with my co-worker. She's the Spanish teacher at my school. My students remarked that maybe her boy and my girl will someday get married. Wow! That's three engagements so far.

Is it too much to require our children to play piano until they're sixteen (Danny says eighteen)? I mean, that's BASE level. We're not going to deprive them of any other activity, sport, or hobby (within reason). They just need to manage it alongside piano. I thought this was very reasonable.

But unfortunately, someone who's staying at our place who shall remain nameless, expressed his opinion about this matter and said that it's too much. He apparently had a traumatic experience with piano lessons that involved tension with parents, lying, cheating, stealing, and all things bad. Hm. Did anyone else have a bad experience with piano?

I think both Danny and I had good experiences with learning piano. I mean, I'll speak for myself. Sure, I pretended I was practicing all afternoon when my mom came home from work. I admit it. Sure, I got mad at her when she forced me to practice, sitting by my side and watching my fingers like a hawk to make sure they were properly curved. But somehow I see now the point of the discipline. Discipline is never fun when you are going through it, but you know that there is a purpose to it. Most of the time, you see it in hindsight. That's what makes discipline difficult. You sometimes don't see the point until later. My mom lovingly disciplined me. All those times that were "negative" - I now look back on them fondly. I guess I'm lucky that they weren't as traumatic as other peoples' experiences. And perhaps I had some internal motivation to help keep me going anyways.

I guess the key for us as parents is to foster a love of music in our children, and then have piano lessons as just the normal thing to do as a result of the love. But if the piano lessons have to occur first in order to cultivate the love, I'm all for it, too.

This is my last week of school before I go on maternity leave. It's bittersweet. I love my kids, and I know they love me. So it's hard to leave. And I absolutely love my job. Every single aspect of it. However, I'm excited about this new stage of my life, and I'm eager to start it.

It's amazing the kind of support we're getting from friends with this new baby. It's sad not to have family around to help out, but I'm so thankful that we have an abundance of friends around us to help raise our child.

So I have a dillemma. My mother is coming to help out for a month, and she's been saying all kinds of scary things. For example, it is customary in Korean culture to stay home for about a month after you have your baby. I knew about this, but I took it with a grain of salt. Sure, I'll be resting up, eating my seaweed soup, occasionally running errands, and welcoming close friends as visitors to my home. However, I think my mom means that I LITERALLY have to stay at home for exactly one month. Or else. Or else what???? So I asked her, "So I can't take a walk outside for ten minutes?" And she replied with something like, "It's too cold. You'll be too cold to do that." Then I argued about wearing a thick coat and mittens and scarves and woolen socks, but alas, they landed on deafened ears. Her philosophy is "Don't go outside for a month because it's too cold." I have no idea where this is coming from. I secretly think that she also thinks her idea is ridiculous, but some unknown force from within is causing her to believe this with all her heart.

Anyways, I'm grateful nevertheless to have her up here to help out in the first couple of weeks. As for the whole "being out of commission for one month" thing, just know that I can not live without seeing people for more than two days. It's the extrovert in me. I remember when I got married, some of my friends wanted to "give me some room" and didn't call or email or get in touch with me so that Danny and I can have our "space" as a newlywed couple. I see the well-intentioned thought behind that, but I was ready to hang out with people the day after our honeymoon! So I think it might be the same way with the baby. Granted I will be super tired from getting up in the middle of the night, but isn't that just part of life? Aren't I tired all the time anyways? I gain energy from other people. Again, extrovert.

So what's my point? If you're my friend, please don't pull back "unnecessarily" in contacting me just because I have a baby. Sure, I might be busy sometimes feeding or bathing her, but it's just a different kind of busy-ness.

To close up, what do I know? For all I know, I might never hang out with friends ever again.

Pregnancy at 8 months... uncomfortable! Some symptoms I'm experiencing: back pain, leg cramps, heartburn, overall achiness, shoulder pain, overall feeling of bigness.

What I miss:
-being able to lie on your stomach
-sleeping without being propped up with pillows
-my waistline
-Asahi beer and sushi
-eating spicy food, or any food at that, without fear of heartburn
-control of my bladder
-my favorite pair of jeans

I'm having trouble walking at a normal pace now. My bladder may be full so I can't walk fast less I disturb it, or I'm having a Braxton-Hicks contraction that tightens my whole belly area so I can't stride along at a normal pace, or I get shortness of breath so I need to take careful steps.

Today I forced myself to go to school. I couldn't let down my students. It was Book Report Day. How could I call in sick? So I suffered through the day with a stuffy/runny nose, a constant headache, and a nasty cough. In addition, every time I coughed, I experienced the loss of bladder control that people say happens to pregnant women. So, there you go. Coughing is a curse in my life. I wonder if I could receiver inner healing for this. Like I said before, my mom coughed throughout labor and delivery of me, and postpartum. So maybe there's a connection.

Anyways, I'm going on maternity leave soon. I'm so excited to get some rest, but I'm so sad to leave my class. They're a special bunch. Ask Jibin, my little brother. He knows. He taught my kids the value of creating a budget. He threw out words like "income" and "expense" to a bunch of 8-year-olds, and they seemed to get it. The concept of money - having plenty of it and spending it - is something that the kids in my school understand. Today, the word "mortgage" came up during one of my student's book reports. She seemed to know what that meant. I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS! ha.

Anyways, I hope I feel better. I would like to breathe properly sometime soon. And I would like to regain control of my bladder. Thanks!

It was my birthday today! I turned 28. When I was born, my mother was alone in the hospital, without proper blankets to keep her warm, and without proper medication to shield her from the pain. I think she was also sick, too. Coughed a lot. That's why my mom says that I have such a nasty cough whenever I get sick. Because she too was sick and coughing when I was born. When I was finally born, and my dad found out over the phone that it was a girl, he rejoiced. In fact, I think he partied it up a little. While my mom was still in the hospital. This may seem like a sad story, but I like it because in the end, everyone was healthy, and I just like that someone rejoiced when I entered into the world. Without even knowing me, my dad loved me. I think subconsciously, it enabled me to go through life with strength and confidence.

We're thinking of naming our child Abigail. In Hebrew it means "father rejoices" or "father's joy". I like it because I know what it was like for my father to rejoice over me. And I know that Abby will definitely be her father's joy. Plus, I'm sure it can have a spiritual meaning, where our Father in heaven rejoices over His children. So yeah, I'm really diggin the name. I'm 98% sure our daughter's name is Abby. The search for a Korean name continues, though.

My niece recently learned the word "no." She says it all the time now. I think it's great that she's learning to use her "no" muscle right now, so that later on in life, she will know her limits and boundaries. However, it is really disheartening to hear a cute little kid whom you love very much say in your face, "No." "Ellie, your dress is pretty." "No." With a shake of her head. "Ellie, wanna sit next to Auntie?" "No." There was even a time when I just looked at her, and she pointed to me, saying, "No!" There are many different ways to react to this kind of normal toddler behavior. There's Danny's reaction, which is pure, unconditional love. When she says "no" to Danny, he immediately says to her, "I still love you Ellie. Uncle loves Ellie!" I think this kind of love wins her over in the end. Then there's another member of the in-law family, who shall remain nameless, whose reaction is more conditional. When Ellie says "no" to him/her, he/she says, "If you're not interested in me, I'm not interested in you."

I, on the other hand, am somewhere in between. I believe that there are natural connections you make with people in general. Like, when I saw Ellie interact with Auntie Maggie, you can see that they have this natural connection. It's great! I will always love Ellie (my unconditional side), but if we don't have natural connections, I'm not going to force her to give me kisses or let me hold her, or whatever else people expect from little kids.

Having said that, I usually bribe her to get her to come to me. I'm shameless like that. I used candy, fruit, and Christmas presents this past week to win her affections. Oh well. I'm human. I need people to like me. Even little kids.

Do you remember the days of yore when we took school pictures? Well, I still get school pictures! For FREE. Yesterday I passed out the pictures to my students, and watched as they carefully opened their packages in desperate anticipation. Especially the girls. After some sighs and oohs and ahhs, the trading of pictures began. "I'll give you one if you give me one." I wonder if they write "You're neat" or "BFF" on the back of the pictures before they exchange them.

Anyways, I thought I looked great in this picture! Sure, my head is tilted way too much to the right, and my uneven skin tone can never be properly covered with foundation, but... my nostrils are not showing! I remember the photographer had said to raise my chin a little, and I said through my grin, "Uh, no thanks, I'll stay like this." Plus, I've come a long way in school pictures. I don't think I've liked any of them. Perhaps I should post the one from 7th grade just to show you a sampling of what I went through.

I just cancelled our dining table plus six chairs order. I'm such a novice at this whole buying furniture and other large items thing. I'm just getting my feet wet in terms of knowing what a bargain looks like, knowing what styles I like, and knowing when to buy things. Either I jump the gun a lot of the times, or I procrastinate like crazy. I wish I could be like my mom sometimes. She makes decisions as fast as you can say "volkswagon." She's super-efficient, practical, and aggressive about bargaining. I must say, though, that sometimes her style is compromised. I want both. Style and efficiency.

The other day I broke down and cried because I had piles of stuff all over the house. Bills I have to pay, papers to file away, To Do Lists, coupons, and personal letters strewn all over the house in piles. Why? Because I don't have a desk. I don't have a space to call my own. I used to have a desk. Pre-marriage days. Oh, I should have kept that desk. I think it belonged to George's old roommate. But I think I gave it to someone because I thought, "Why would I need a desk for myself when I get married? Danny and I will buy a desk together and we'll share it and it will be perfect." Well, we did get a desk together, and we do share it currently, but it's far from being perfect.

From the beginning, we had different ideas about what our desk should represent. He wanted big, cheap, and no drawers. Big because he thought since we're sharing it, the bigger the better. Cheap because well, the cheaper the item the happier he is. And no drawers because he doesn't care about organizing things in containers and boxes like I do. Basically he wanted something to hold a nice desktop computer. That's what his vision came down to. Computer. I should've known!

I wanted a medium-sized, rustic, mahogany brown desk, with lots of drawers to hold things. An added hutch would be even nicer. All those shelves and nooks and crannies to organize all the junk I have... Wow! It's like having a miniature Container Store at my fingertips. My main purpose was to have a space for me to do bills, write letters, and check email on a laptop. I wanted it to look good, first and foremost. Functionality was a close second. sigh.

Last year, I went looking for a desk of my own, but ended up not getting the ideal desk because we just didn't have room. But now that we're in a bigger place, I have the space to get my own desk. But I know I can't get my IDEAL desk, because that would be close to $1000. I'm on the lookout for something within our budget. I don't know exactly what range that is, but I feel like I'll know when I see it.

Until I purchase my desk, though, there will be many more nights of frustration, sighing, and piles of stuff all over the Chai apartment.

I have learned that when traveling with my husband, the stresses of a new environment and taking care of details might erupt into needless fights. So I've been more aware lately of potentially frustrating situations.

The other night, we were in New Jersey, on our way to a hotel from a friend's wedding. Paul was driving us, and even though he's a GREAT driver who has a way better sense of direction than me and Danny put together, the Fort Lee area in NJ was new for him. In addition, Danny had half-baked directions to get to the hotel.

Let me first say before I go on that my husband is an EXCELLENT finder of deals when it comes to things like making travel arrangements. We got a Hilton hotel room for $60 that night, when the regular price is something like $350. Wow!!! Go Danny!

Anyways, we were driving around and kind of lost. So even if we had this sweet deal, it won't mean anything if we can't get to the place, right? I felt a little dose of impatience coming on, and frustration towards Danny for not getting the directions right. But it's like, who am I?? Do I even know what north and south are? How many times have I gotten lost? How many times have I inconvenienced other people on account of my lack of knowing directions? I guess it's just that I have high expectations for my husband. Since I can't do it, I expect him to know how to do it well.

As I was struggling inside with my conflicting emotions, Danny sunk into his seat next to me, obviously feeling bad for Paul, and for the other passengers in the car. In a quiet voice, which was barely audible to the other people in the car because he was also slightly mumbling, he said, "Sorry, Paul. It was poor planning on my fart."

Now, at this point, I was the only one in the car that heard the last word. I turned around and saw my poor husband feeling really bad for his bad directions, and right then and there, all of my mixed emotions became crystal clear. My heart swelled with love for my dear. He has his strengths and weaknesses, and I embrace them all. I mean, how could I get mad at someone who had poor planning on his fart? How could I get frustrated at someone who does everything in his power to take care of me, even if he sometimes has poor planning on his fart?

So instead of getting frustrated or mad or snippy for "poor planning on his fart", I just started laughing hysterically. I mean side-hurtin', verge-of-delirium, can't-breathe-but-totally-worth-it kinds of laughs. I can only remember two other times that I've laughed like this in the past five years. One was when we celebrated Adrian's birthday with a cake and sang "Happy Birthday" during smallgroup, and then promptly found out by his utterly confused look that his birthday wasn't until another month. The second time was when I sent out a repeat email thanking people for coming to my birthday party. The first email was sent out two weeks after the event, and started out with something like "Hi everyone, it's been 2 weeks since my birthday, and I wanted to thank you for coming..." Then two weeks later, I sent out another thank you email saying, "Hi everyone, it's been a month since my birthday, and I wanted to thank you for coming..." Danny asked me why I sent out another thank you, and that's when I realized that I sent out a repeat email, and burst out laughing, wondering if people thought I was some kind of pathetic loser who has no friends and no life, so I spend time on a biweekly basis sending out thank you emails for attending my birthday party.

Back to the latest incident. Ah... "poor planning on my fart." Those five little words saved us from having a fight. God works in weird ways. To this day, I'm still laughing about it. It's good for the soul. What's the lesson to be learned? If you think Jieun is about to get mad, appease her with some bathroom humor. And all will be well.

What is it about XBox, basketball, and poker that binds fellow men together in friendship and commonality? Lately Danny has been all about hanging out with people and calling people. It's like, "Who are you???!!!" It's great to see him out there, caring more about staying in touch and bonding with people.

I've often thought about why it's so much harder for women to get together like that, week after week, choosing some activity to do (OR not), and just "hanging out." The other day, I went out with two of my girlfriends, and we had a three-hour lunch. Each took her turn sharing about the latest things happening in her life, and it was FUN! But I don't do this with them every week. In fact, maybe only twice a year. I wonder... do I sacrifice frequency for more depth? Does Danny go in-depth with his hangout buddies every week while maneuvering a joystick, or passing a basketball, or waiting for the straight to come "on the river"?

Hanah suggested that maybe women are a little more complicated than men, in that we have more varied interests that prevents us from participating in a common activity. Some of us like to shop, some of us like to play sports, some of us like to knit, and some of us like to bake. Perhaps we do have varied interests, but should that stop us from trying new things? More importantly, should that stop us from "hanging out?" "Would you like to go shopping with us?" "Oh no. I don't like shopping. I'm not into it." But what if the activity is just a means to an end? What if the end goal is to just "hang out?" What if every week the activity is shopping, and some girl doesn't like to shop? Will she have no more friends? Of course, she can suggest another activity and invite people to join her. I think when it comes down to it, women generally don't think in terms of "hanging out." We are more goal-oriented. Whereas men can easily see basketball as a means to "hanging out," women are more inclined to think, "Why should I play basketball when I don't like it?"

Rarely when I go shopping with a girlfriend do we both have nothing in mind to buy. We always have to have some kind of goal in mind. Like, I need to return a dress at Macy's. Oh, I saw something at Anthropologie that I have to get. Nordstrom's is having a sale, so I have to go and get that pair of shoes. In the process of meeting our goals, we fit in "hang out" time, and when our goals are achieved, it's time to go home. I'm not saying that this is bad. I ALWAYS have fun when I go shopping with girlfriends. It's fun to fulfill your goals with other people. It's basically having someone there to run errands with you. But I savor the "hang out" time that happens along with the activity. And you get to know a person really well by observing how she shops, how she spends her money, and how she treats people at customer service.

One of the problems with this kind of goal-oriented approach to "hanging out" is that women don't get to hang out with each other as frequently as they ought. I guess some women are okay with that, but I am not. I need "hang out" time with people more than they need it with me.

So what should I do about that? Maybe nothing. Or maybe have more goals and organize "hang out" times by organizing more events. Be the initiator. Whatever. I'm tired. I'm going to bed.

Danny and I started praying together every night. We did this for the first couple of months of our marriage, and then took at three year hiatus. And now we're back in the rhythm. It was mostly because we started praying for our unborn child. It's cute because Danny sometimes sings to her! What a great dad, already.

I have to give props to Danny because he's the one who has insisted that we pray together. It's been great because it draws us closer together, and once you start praying for one thing, the list grows and grows. I guess sometimes it's hard for guys to know how to be the spiritual head of the household. I think this small act that Danny has enforced lately really shows his spiritual leadership. It's nice to be led like that. I know I'm not the best supporter as a wife sometimes, but I try. And it's nice to know that Danny tries to be a good husband.

I've been thinking a lot about pain lately. My friend reminded me today that I'm a sickly person. It's true. Ever since college freshman year, my body has gone through so much sickness. It's partly because I don't exercise. But it's also partly because I am weak sauce. I was made this way. Weak and sickly. A fallen body in a fallen world.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not in chronic pain or anything. I still have good health. The morning sickness I'm going through right now is temporary. There's an ending. But it gave me a taste of what chronic pain, chronic health problems, might feel like. Not only physical, but emotional. I panicked the other day. About having a baby and being pregnant. It was all in my mind, but it was scary.

So I got to thinking about all the people I know of that are going through some kind of chronic physical or emotional pain. The person with the ongoing mouth pain. Sad! The multiple people I know who have some kind of hand and arm pain. The woman at my church with constant back pain. Wow. My friends who are depressed. My husband with the daily heartburn. My uncle in Korea battling liver cancer. These are the people I think of immediately. The kind of sickness that can't be cured easily, and that have doctors baffled.

And here I am complaining and wailing about how nauseous I am. I'm telling you. I'm weak sauce.

I never knew pregnancy would be like this. All I knew before I got pregnant was that you get a cute little baby in the end. I was not prepared nor expecting to be sick day after day for however long. I'm not sure how long because I'm still going through it. It's like that movie Groundhog's Day. Ever seen it? The guy wakes up every day on the same day, and goes through the same exact day. He varies it a little here and there, but no matter how much he has accomplished, he still wakes up on the same exact day. That's how I feel. I wake up sick, and I throw up once. Then I proceed to eat food that will settle nicely in my stomach. Some days I reject the food, and other days, I'm good to go. But no matter how well I feel by the end of the day, I wake up sick. I eat my crackers, and then I throw up. And it starts all over again.

Some women have it worse than I do. Some women are only a little bit sick. And then there are those women who have no symptoms whatsoever from the overproduction of bile and hormones in their bodies. Those are the lucky ones. And quite frankly, I do feel lucky that I don't have to be hospitalized for days. But it is a struggle. Every day. The same exact struggle.

And people have been very nice to me. Those who have suffered through it know exactly what to say and what not to say. Others, who feel helpless when I tell them that I'm not doing well, and have no idea what I'm going through, try to offer some helpful suggestions. When I'm in the mood for advice, I'll gladly take it. But mostly, I just want people to say, "POOR JIEUN!!! YOU POOR POOR THING!!!!" And that's it. I have a husband who gets all my food for me, who is up on the research, and is completely involved with this pregnancy. For everyone else, unless I ask for advice or you really need to let me know something, I just want a look of sympathy or "POOR JIEUN!!! YOU POOR POOR THING!!!" (Although gifts of any kind are always a plus.)

I never knew pregnancy would be like this.

Last night I went to the Container Store. Wow! What an amazing place! Containers for everything. You name it. They've got a container for it. They even had gadgets to organize your wrapping paper!!!! Wowzers. This is my kind of store. I was so excited.

I had my eye on the plastic grocery bag dispenser for a while. So I bought it! And now, I'm pleased to say, our cupboard under the kitchen sink is a little bit neater! Hooray for organization. My next project is to organize the newspapers that pile up every day in our dining area. Ideally, I want something that would fit the microwave, newspapers, and our rice supply, all in one gadget. As I'm writing this, I can hear myself being a loser.

Things I regret about high school:

-Not going to at least SOME dances!
-Not trying out for the musicals
-Not becoming better friends with Gina Fan
-Not taking Spanish V, Japanese I, and French I
-Not going to the beach often enough
-Not wearing clothes that actually fit me (I guess baggy was in?)
-Not taking the time to spark up a conversation with someone who looked down

Things I loved about high school:

-Structure
-Friends
-Church

Next year is my 10-year high school reunion. For some reason, I'm so excited about it. No plans have been made yet, but I'm looking forward to it. I'm sure many people hated their high school experience, but I liked it. I was very goody-two-shoes, played everything by the book, and never really got in trouble.

But there's just something about high school environment that separates you into distinct cliques. It's near impossible to go against this. You have your popular people, nerdy people, jocks, Christian club people, Key Club people, you name it. Very rarely do people try to break out of these socially-constructed group entities. I remember when my older brother had this idea to eat lunch with me and my little brother. He was an example of the lone soldier who tried to break free from the ranks. But it only lasted for one lunch period. The forces of high school peer pressure were too great even for our family bonds.

Anyways, the reason why I am looking forward to my reunion is that I finally get to rise out of the "high school rules" and befriend and connect with whomever I please, irregardless of social status. I say let the 'dungeons and dragons' people hang with the jocks. Let the swim people mingle with the Colorguard people. Let the "mean girls" exchange pleasantries with the math people. On the other hand, I have heard that people tend to go back to their high school ways at reunions, and gravitate towards their former clilques. That's unfortunate. I hope it's not like that for us.

Here are games that I do like:

Taboo, Pictionary, Dr. Mario, Bust a Move, Speed Scrabble, Scattergories, Friends Trivia

These games involve colors, pictures, words, or Friends. Anyone want to play with me? I have a lot of time on my hands lately, and I absolutely cherish it. I get to wake up at whenever I want. Lately it's been at 10am so that I can watch reruns of Dawson's Creek. I even scheduled my tutoring times in the afternoons so that I can be assured that I get enough sleep.

Many of our friends are gung-ho about a game called Settlers. WHY??? I guess I just don't like games that take hours to play, have complicated rules, involve making business deals with other players, and are BORING.

Other games I do not like: Poker, Bohnanza, Trivial Pursuit, any X-Box game, Risk

Basically all the games that Danny loves, I hate.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm a people person, and I'm swayed by peer pressure. If everyone wants to play a certain game and it's crucial that I play, I'll play. I'm a good sport.

But today a bunch of people came over and played Settlers. I took a big fat nap. It felt good. Something about a Sunday afternoon nap... Anyways, when I came out, they had just finished playing one game of Settlers, and was setting up to play AGAIN. What is that?? I don't get it. Am I missing something here? Maybe it's because I hate logic. Danny often calls my Settler moves "bold." Meaning, "how illogical and not conducive to winning." But maybe I don't play to win. Maybe that's not my goal! Maybe I value illogical thinking ability. They should create a game that celebrates illogical thinking and non-strategic moves. I would be good at that game.

Oh, and I still haven't seen Star Wars!

I have makeup on right now. That either means that I feel like looking nice, or that I'm stressed. It's the latter that has pushed me to put on makeup today. I'm sitting at my desk at school, typing away at the computer. It's that time of the year again: report cards! Currently, I'm averaging one report card narrative per hour. But after each report card is done, I take a break that can last up to about thirty minutes.

School ended yesterday, so it's quiet around campus. However, there's an audition going on tonight for an educational film that will be shot on our campus this July. I am definitely auditioning for that. SOooooo, here I am, at 4:20pm, working diligently at my computer, waiting for the 6:30pm audition. I'm soooo excited! It's my first time reading lines for film. :) Do you think I'll get a part? It's a video about bullying. I'm thinking I can either play the overgrown bully that's repeated third grade for about 15 years, asking little kids for lunch money, or I can play the teacher with a stern look. I think I can do it! I'm just hoping they're going for a more diverse look.