Daddy's Little Girl

It really is amazing how fast babies grow. This first picture was taken the first week Abby came home. She fit perfectly on Danny's lap, and didn't really do much. She just stared and stared, barely aware of her surroundings. She had great attention span for an infant her age. And Danny would read to her so that she would recognize his voice. He read somewhere that babies like low, deep voices, so here he is reading from Nehemiah in a low, deep voice. She is absolutely enthralled by him. It's really precious. I just had to take a picture of them bonding together like this. It warmed my heart.

Time flies when you're having fun, they say. In this next picture, Abby is an alert 2-month old who's ready to socialize with the world. As you can see, her legs hang over to one side, and pretty soon she won't fit on our laps nice and evenly. Ever since she started smiling back at us, Danny hasn't stopped turning on the grin machine. He often exaggerates his smiles so that Abby will really understand how she's supposed to imitate him. She absolutely adores him and always smiles back at him. I love this picture because it shows a dedicated father who loves his daughter like crazy. I mean, how can you not smile back at this?

Baby Blues

We went to LA this past weekend. I was so nervous about flying on the plane with an infant, but it turned out OK. This is one of my favorite pictures from the weekend. Abby and Warren bumping heads, but having no idea that they're next to each other. Warren is Norma's second son. We all had lunch at their place. There were five adults, three infants, and one toddler. It was great seeing old friends and sharing a meal together. But it's just not the same anymore. Mothers are constantly concerned about their little ones. I'm wolfing down my food so that I'll be ready at a moment's notice to attend to Abby, Karen is chasing after Aaron to make sure he doesn't run into a wall or fall down the stairs, and Norma is disciplining Aidan while Warren starts to fuss for his nap. There are all kinds of gadgets/toys everywhere, and "Blues Clues" is on in the background. It's hard to carry on a conversation. I don't feel like I really know what's going on in Sangsoo's life. What are Norma's deepest desires? What does Karen struggle with lately? No clue.

I've been reading this book called Tender Mercy for a Mother's Soul. It said something interesting that I relate to strongly:

"Loving my children can fill me up, but some days, it will completely empty my soul. To raise children means that you are constantly giving - all of your energies, all of your emotion, all of your time. Often I realize that my well is empty, my mind is numb, and my heart is heavy. There is nothing left for anyone. I am given out."

I am a people-pleaser and an extrovert. I love serving others emotionally. But lately, I'm empty. I'm all given out. My other roles have been put to a halt. I know I was once a wife. I remember serving my husband. I used to cook and clean the house. I know I was once a good friend. I remember calling people, writing letters, and making appointments.

Lately, I tend to hang out with other mothers because we all have an understanding. I don't have to apologize as much. I attended a breastfeeding mothers support group in order to hang out with other people whose attention gets distracted every 15 minutes. I was in line at the grocery store the other day and I saw a magazine featuring Jennifer Garner and her daughter Violet. I immediately thought, "Oh, we should hang out." Ha.

Anyways, I just feel empty. The book goes on to say that the emptiness needs to be filled with God. So yeah, that's my struggle: to fill myself with God so that I can overflow, not only to my daughter, but to everyone around me. All the books warned of postpartum depression and postpartum blues. I think I experienced a little bit of the blues.

I look at this picture of Warren and Abby, and I wonder if they'll grow up knowing each other. I wonder if they'll be friends. Whatever happens, I know that for now, they're so cute I can't stand it! A little blues is worth it for a precious picture like this.

A Card

Today I got three personal letters/cards. One in particular stood out. It was a card from Aunt Phyllis. On the front of the card, it reads: "It's amazing how one little person can change your whole world." Inside are four little words that just struck me like a ton of styrofoam bricks. (Not real bricks because it didn't shatter or break me, but I say bricks because it still had shock value. So I chose styrofoam because it's much softer than real bricks, but when you get a ton of them, I'm sure they weigh you down.) It said: "Happy First Mother's Day."

Woa. I'm a mother. I have a daughter. On Sunday the United States of America recognizes mothers as people to be celebrated. That's me. Celebrate me! It feels weird to be on the other side. I've always seen Mother's Day as a time to celebrate my mother, which I still do. But now I'm the recipient of the celebration. One day Abby will bring home a hand-made piece of artwork from Sunday School saying "Happy Mother's Day!" Or not. How fascinating.

Sleeping on Her Tummy

So anyone who reads the latest literature on newborn care will discover that there's a big campaign for "back to sleep." Putting babies to sleep on their backs reduces significantly the risk for SIDS, which is Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. For the first three weeks we put Abby to sleep on her back. Of course, you can't just plop an infant down on her back and expect her to sleep! She has limbs that flail about without her knowing, and that startle her every minute. So, we were diligently swaddling her tightly in blankets. It was at times stressful because swaddling is a learned art, and unless you have a good swaddle, babies will get out of it, and end up not sleeping. Then the parents get upset and frustrated.

Enter mother-in-law. The first thing she did when she came to visit is to put Abby on her tummy when sleeping. She was adamant about it because she didn't want Abby to grow up with a flat head. I asked, "What about SIDS?" SIDS, Schmids. Her reasoning was that we were all raised on our tummies, so what's the big deal. So what was I supposed to do? Go against my mother-in-law?

So now Abby sleeps on her tummy. Sh! Don't tell anyone we do this. It's one of those things that you aren't supposed to tell your pediatrician or say out loud to other mothers. Kind of like if you're a Republican in California, keep it to yourself.

The results of Abby on her tummy have been great. She sleeps better and longer. The only problem is putting her in her crib without waking her. Imagine that she fell asleep in my arms with her tummy and face on my torso. How the heck am I supposed to switch her so that she ends up like that in the crib??? Well, every time I put her down, I would try a new method. There's the roll-over technique (she almost always wakes up with this technique), the flip-over technique (she almost always wakes up with this technique), and then there's the random-technique-that-works-but-I-can-never-replicate-again technique. Most of the time I just pray and have faith in God right before I put her in her crib that somehow she'll end up on her tummy and sleep well.

But today I learned a new technique from another mom. It's the face-plant technique! I was eager to come home and try it out. And...... it worked! It wasn't perfect, but now I have a technique to follow, and I'm sure I'll master it after a couple more tries. I'll still pray and have faith that God will allow her to sleep well because, hey, why not.

First Outing

Our first outing together as a family was to church today, on Easter. I'm so relieved that it went well. I discovered the nursery at Baylight. I only vaguely knew it was there, but I never knew how well-organized and delightful it was in there. Go Baylight.

Anyways, my biggest fear when going out is that Abby will cry and won't stop, despite all my efforts to calm her. Why is this my biggest fear? Because I'm a people pleaser. I just feel bad for people around me to have to listen to her wails. It just stresses me out. If babies didn't cry, I would be so happy. I don't mind so much the waking up in the middle of the night, not getting enough sleep, changing diapers, and all the other stuff. But the crying makes me feel so nervous. It's like detective work.

But then again, how would I know to change her diaper if she didn't cry? How would I even wake up in the middle of the night if she didn't cry? I wish babies had little buttons to press to communicate their needs, instead of crying: WET DIAPER, HUNGRY, LONELY, SLEEPY, DIAPER RASH, DADDY STOP KISSING ME SO MUCH. Wouldn't that be great?

Two Kinds of Smiles

I read somewhere that babies practice their smiles during their sleep for the first month. And then sometime in the second month they start using this powerful tool during their conscious state. So I noticed that Abby has two distinct smiles. One is from the Chai side of the family. It's this full on ear-to-ear grin, complete with gums/teeth showing and crescent-shaped eyes. It just melts my heart. The other one is from the Park side of the family. It's really just a smirk. She raises just the left side of her lips for about a second, and then goes back to normal. It's as if she heard a witty joke, and then responded with a sarcastic remark, accompanied by the smirk. Just like her uncles!!! I wish I could get a picture of it. It cracks me up.

Yahoo Socks

The Chai household is very serious about supporting Yahoo. Even Abby. I took about 10 pictures trying to get the perfect shot. Thanks to our friend Tina Park who got us this precious gift. I decided Abby looks best in red and white.

Abigail Jinhee's Birth Story

When I was in the hospital late at night nursing Abigail, on the second day of her life, I decided to tell her a story about the day she was born. As I told it to her, I began to weep. I guess it was a combination of hormones and delayed emotional response to her actual birth. You see, I was very calm and collected during delivery, and I was actually looking to Danny for emotional cues. When he got excited about crowning, I got excited. When he got nervous about the umbilical cord wrapped around Abby's head, I got nervous. And when he started crying (bawling) at the moment of birth, I cried, too. He experienced it all in the present. Perhaps because he wasn't drugged. Whatever the reason, my first reaction to Abigail was "Awwww.... it's a baby! How darling!" It wasn't until the second day, in the stillness of night, when Danny was sleeping on the couch, and the lights were out, that I got to feel all the emotions of the previous day while rocking and cradling my precious daughter close to my heart.

On Tuesday, March 21, 2006, the long-awaited DUE DATE, I woke up with a start at 6:00am. I groaned and turned over to Danny, saying, "I think I'm having a contraction." And sure enough, every 8 minutes, I had a contraction that lasted about 45 seconds. Of course the night before we had gone to bed at 4am because that's who we are. We are night owls and that's what we do. I had gotten 4 hours of sleep, and for the next 24 hours, I did not get a chance to sleep. So I got up and went about my day in spurts of 8 minutes. Every time I had a contraction, I bounced on my exercise ball, did some hee-hee-hooooo breathing technique, or tried some kind of laboring position I learned in childbirth classes. I felt excited, anxious, and scared. My attitude was, "This can't be that bad. Women have been doing this for centuries. I can do it, too. I've got to stay strong."

I went to my doctor's appointment at 11:00am, and I told my doctor that I'm in early labor, and that I've been having regular contractions every 8 minutes since 6:00am this morning. She didn't bat an eye, she didn't seem phased, and she didn't seem excited at all. Hello? I guess in my mind, I thought that since I had been in early labor now for five hours, I would probably deliver my baby in about five hours, 7 hours tops. But she thought my news was mundane. She checked me out, and said that my cervix has a dimple, meaning that it hadn't even started dilating. Great. Five hours of pain, and what did it show for? Nothing.

The rest of the day was spent bouncing on the exercise ball, taking walks with Danny, experiencing painful contractions every 7 to 8 minutes, and calling people in intervals of 8 minutes. My mom and dad had started driving up from LA in the morning. They arrived at around 5pm. We ate dinner, we talked, and everyone helped me through the contractions. One especially useful tool was this rice-filled sack that acted as a heating agent when cooked in the microwave for 3 minutes. Eddie came by to take my dad to the airport. He was en route to China.

The contractions were getting stronger and more painful, and they occurred more frequently as the night wore on. Finally at around 3:30am, when the contractions were coming every 3 minutes, Danny and I went to the hospital after I took one final shower. I thought for sure, after 16 more hours of laboring, I must be at least 5 cm, or ready for delivery. How naive. The doctor said I had dilated 1.5 cm! I nearly broke down crying. You see, the hospital does not admit you until you are 3 cm dilated. They usually send you home. But the doctor could see that I was in pain and had regular contractions, so she said that she would check me in one hour again. That hour was a nightmare! We had a nurse that was very brusque, almost making me cry, and I threw up my dinner all over the floor and my shoes. Not good times. Anyways, the doctor came by to check me again, and this time she said that I was 3 cm dilated, so that meant I could be admitted to the hospital.

Then the doctor asked me if I wanted an epidural. Danny and I looked at each other. I said, "That sounds about right." You see, my desire to go natural was a bit misguided. Sure, women have been doing it for centuries. But, according to a wise woman who's gone through three births, "Women have also been dying for centuries." The hospital is just not a place to go all natural. I say go to a birth center, or hire a doula or midwife to be with you at a hospital so that they can take over. Doctors and nurses are trained to give out medicine. They believe in its power. And so do I.

After receiving the epidural, it was cake. For the next six hours I dilated nicely, we both took naps, and we had wonderful nurses who took really good care of me. When the time came for pushing, the doctor on duty came into the room. I recognized her instantly. "Hey, did you go to Whitney?" She answered, "Yes!" It turns out that she's the older sister of one of my classmates from high school. So, in between contractions and pushing, we had a nice conversation about the "school of dreams," and caught up with Cerritos news. At 1:43pm, Abigail Jinhee Chai was born, in the presence of not only one Whitney alum, but TWO Whitney alums! Wow.

Emotional Danny

Danny has been very emotional lately. We watched an episode of West Wing last night, and he was tearing up because it touched him that they were trying to "do the right thing." And then a couple of nights before that, his eyes welled up with tears as he played Keith Green's "Prodigal Son" on the piano. After playing, he started bawling (our wedding-esque) because it just touched him so much. I asked him was it your playing that touched you or God's heart for the prodigal son? Haha. Just kidding. And I just read his entry about a song and how he feels like crying every time he hears it.

Do guys go through hormonal changes? Does he have sympathy pregnancy hormones raging inside of him? I mean, it's perfectly normal for me to go through crying sessions, but for him, it's not the norm. In any case, I like it. When we were dating, he told me that he thought he didn't have tear ducts because he cried exactly two times in his life. I said, "Interesting." Since then, I've seen the waterworks turn on many times. Especially at our wedding. He and his dad (who officiated and was standing up there with us) were both a watery, snotty mess. :) Good times! I just think in general it's great to see men cry. It's sad that they're socialized not to. It's the greatest release of emotion in the world! I feel tons better after a good cry.

A Survey

Two Names You Go By

1. Jieun

2. Ji

Two Parts of Your Heritage

1. Korean. I was born there. My relatives all live there. I speak the language and root for the Korean Olympic teams.

2. American. This is the country in which I grew up. My earliest memories are here. Most of my significant life events occurred here.

Two things that scare you

1. Labor and delivery.

2. Conflict and tension in a room.

Two Of Your Everyday Essentials

1. Washing my face, which is not something that everyone in the Chai household practices daily.

2. Checking email. I love getting personal email. I get so upset at all the spam I get. But I'd rather have spam waiting for me than to have nothing in my INBOX when I sign in. Sad.

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now

1. Red Stanford sweatshirt. It's a part of my sleepwear.

2. Fuzzy white slippers. I bought this pair at Macy's because our apartment is freakin' cold. I can't wait for the sun to shine into our lives.

Two of Your Favorite Bands or Musical Artists

1. Debbie Gibson

2. Whitney Houston

Two Things You Want in a Relationship

1. Conversation. It's important that I have things to talk about with the other person. Not just being the listener (which is my default mode), but to actually feel like the other person wants to listen to what I have to say as well.

2. Keeping in touch. It's important to me that Danny calls me throughout the day, or writes me an email, or AIMS me, etc. And vice versa. Same goes with friends.

Two Physical Things that Appeal to You

1. Clean lines. I like furniture that is classic.

2. Solid basic colors. You should have seen my wardrobe in high school. White, gray, navy blue, and black. I discovered red in college, and pink as a married woman, but my default mode is white, gray, navy blue, and black. Think JCrew and Gap back in 1994-1996.

Two of Your Favorite Hobbies

1. Reading. I've become a reader in recent years. When I'm into a good book, I feel like I'm taking a wonderful adventure. I actually go through a grieving process when I finish a book because I feel like I'll never find another good book to read.

2. Watching sit-coms. Ever since Family Ties and Growing Pains, I have loved watching situation comedies. I'm a fan of Friends and Everybody Loves Raymond lately. If any of those shows are on when I turn on the TV, then it's 30 minutes of smiling Jieun.

Two Things You Want Really Badly

1. Stand mixer. I should have registered for one when we got married, but I didn't know anything about the kitchen or cooking back then, so I had no idea what a great piece of machinery this was. The prices keep going up. Currently they run at $250!

2. A nice blazer. I haven't found one that I like.

Two Places You Want to go on Vacation

1. Austria. I want to go on the Sound of Music tour.

2. Hawaii. I've gone only once with my family. Not good times. I believe my brothers and I were all adolescents experiencing teenage angst and bad mood. I want to counter that experience with a good one.

Two Things You Want to Do Before You Die

1. Visit NK.

2. See my grandchild being born.

Two Things You Are Thinking About Now

1. Labor and delivery.

2. What does Abby look like? Whom does she resemble??

Two Stores You Shop At

1. Target. It's where you can whatever you need.

2. Macy's. A down-to-earth department store. Not shee-shee-foo-foo like some other places. I feel comfortable going here, and I'm not so aware of being underdressed. And the customer service here has improved greatly.

Two people You Haven't Talked To In A While

1. Jean Lee. My senior year roommate. I need to get her current address, but her phone number had changed, too, so I'm in the process of tracking her down.

2. Eunice Chu. I wonder how she's faring in Virginia.

Two favorite web sites

1. mail.yahoo.com. I love checking email.

2. babiesrus.com. I love updating my registry and checking out the latest baby products.

Two Favorite Sports

1. Softball. I'm actually pretty good. I have good aim and coordination. And I don't like running too much. Perfect!

2. Volleyball. I actually coached a sixth grade volleyball team back at Menlo School. And, I played in junior high before becoming a cheerleader for it. I love the adrenaline you feel when you're in ready position, and the moment you connect with the ball, it's a rush! I was a good bumper, horrible setter, and an even worse server. But I always enjoyed the teamwork aspect of sports like volleyball.

Two People who will fill this out

1. Karen

2. Jibin

Two things you did last night

1. Watched two episodes of West Wing. Dave and Tina Park both recommended this show to us. It's getting really good. I'm enjoying the dry wit and the depth of characters. I have a hard time following the politics, though.

2. Made curry for dinner. I was proud of the result! This time I didn't forget the potatoes, and I didn't overcook the ingredients. This has become one of my staples. I think I need to expand my repertoire, though. I always fear that Danny gets bored and tired of my cooking.

Two shows you like to watch

1. Friends. Come on! Chandler Bing. Monica. Ross and Rachel. Joey. And weird Phoebe. How can anyone not like to watch this show? Can it BE any better??

2. Everybody Loves Raymond. An Italian American family who deals with family/in-law troubles. It's very similar to Korean-American families, and because I can relate to the situations, I enjoy watching it. I think some of my other Korean-American friends have said that they dislike the show for that very same reason. It's just too close to home. They're not ready to laugh about it because they are in the thick of it.

Two places you like to go to:

1. Baskin Robbins. Jamoca ice cream. MMmmmmm.

2. Santana Row. Even it's only one street, I love walking down and taking in the scenery. I don't like the prices, though.

Two Favorite Subjects In (High) School:

1. Spanish. I first discovered my competence in learning languages through Spanish class. I loved conjugating verbs.

2. English.

Two Favorite Places to eat:

1. Lee's Sandwiches.

2. Galleria Market. This place holds a special place in my heart. The food here comforted me through many weeks of morning sickness and nausea pain.

Two things you like about yourself (physical):

1. Hair. Easily manageable.

2. Fingernails. Nice and long.

Two things you ate today:

1. Tangerines.

2. Leftover curry from last night.

Two people you last talked to:

1. Danny

2. My mom

Two Things You're doing tomorrow:

1. Driving up to Berkeley to visit Desiree and shop at Hold Everything. The stores in California are all closing down! The last one open is the one in Emeryville, until March 31st.

2. Attending smallgroup.

Letter-Writing

Let's go back to keeping in touch the old-fashioned way: writing letters! I recently wrote a bunch of thank you cards. And in the process of finding the right words to say, and slapping on a stamp to send it to that special someone, I was reminded of my youth. I used to write letters when I was young. I remember sending Karen letters to her Cerritos home from my Cerritos home. Danny asked me how we kept in touch if she moved away from my street at age 6, and we never attended the same school afterwards. I guess I saw her at church on Sundays, but I think the key was letters! We sent each other letters and wrote about the boring details of our suburban lives. So anyways, I'm going to TRY to write some letters this year.

Home stretch. Three more weeks until the DUE DATE. March 21st. Am I ready for the life change? Perhaps. I don't know! We'll see. I got an ultrasound done today, and found out that my baby is approximately 6 pounds. Everything looks normal. I'm just a little petite, that's all. Here I am with my co-worker. She's the Spanish teacher at my school. My students remarked that maybe her boy and my girl will someday get married. Wow! That's three engagements so far.

Is it too much to require our children to play piano until they're sixteen (Danny says eighteen)? I mean, that's BASE level. We're not going to deprive them of any other activity, sport, or hobby (within reason). They just need to manage it alongside piano. I thought this was very reasonable.

But unfortunately, someone who's staying at our place who shall remain nameless, expressed his opinion about this matter and said that it's too much. He apparently had a traumatic experience with piano lessons that involved tension with parents, lying, cheating, stealing, and all things bad. Hm. Did anyone else have a bad experience with piano?

I think both Danny and I had good experiences with learning piano. I mean, I'll speak for myself. Sure, I pretended I was practicing all afternoon when my mom came home from work. I admit it. Sure, I got mad at her when she forced me to practice, sitting by my side and watching my fingers like a hawk to make sure they were properly curved. But somehow I see now the point of the discipline. Discipline is never fun when you are going through it, but you know that there is a purpose to it. Most of the time, you see it in hindsight. That's what makes discipline difficult. You sometimes don't see the point until later. My mom lovingly disciplined me. All those times that were "negative" - I now look back on them fondly. I guess I'm lucky that they weren't as traumatic as other peoples' experiences. And perhaps I had some internal motivation to help keep me going anyways.

I guess the key for us as parents is to foster a love of music in our children, and then have piano lessons as just the normal thing to do as a result of the love. But if the piano lessons have to occur first in order to cultivate the love, I'm all for it, too.

This is my last week of school before I go on maternity leave. It's bittersweet. I love my kids, and I know they love me. So it's hard to leave. And I absolutely love my job. Every single aspect of it. However, I'm excited about this new stage of my life, and I'm eager to start it.

It's amazing the kind of support we're getting from friends with this new baby. It's sad not to have family around to help out, but I'm so thankful that we have an abundance of friends around us to help raise our child.

So I have a dillemma. My mother is coming to help out for a month, and she's been saying all kinds of scary things. For example, it is customary in Korean culture to stay home for about a month after you have your baby. I knew about this, but I took it with a grain of salt. Sure, I'll be resting up, eating my seaweed soup, occasionally running errands, and welcoming close friends as visitors to my home. However, I think my mom means that I LITERALLY have to stay at home for exactly one month. Or else. Or else what???? So I asked her, "So I can't take a walk outside for ten minutes?" And she replied with something like, "It's too cold. You'll be too cold to do that." Then I argued about wearing a thick coat and mittens and scarves and woolen socks, but alas, they landed on deafened ears. Her philosophy is "Don't go outside for a month because it's too cold." I have no idea where this is coming from. I secretly think that she also thinks her idea is ridiculous, but some unknown force from within is causing her to believe this with all her heart.

Anyways, I'm grateful nevertheless to have her up here to help out in the first couple of weeks. As for the whole "being out of commission for one month" thing, just know that I can not live without seeing people for more than two days. It's the extrovert in me. I remember when I got married, some of my friends wanted to "give me some room" and didn't call or email or get in touch with me so that Danny and I can have our "space" as a newlywed couple. I see the well-intentioned thought behind that, but I was ready to hang out with people the day after our honeymoon! So I think it might be the same way with the baby. Granted I will be super tired from getting up in the middle of the night, but isn't that just part of life? Aren't I tired all the time anyways? I gain energy from other people. Again, extrovert.

So what's my point? If you're my friend, please don't pull back "unnecessarily" in contacting me just because I have a baby. Sure, I might be busy sometimes feeding or bathing her, but it's just a different kind of busy-ness.

To close up, what do I know? For all I know, I might never hang out with friends ever again.

Pregnancy at 8 months... uncomfortable! Some symptoms I'm experiencing: back pain, leg cramps, heartburn, overall achiness, shoulder pain, overall feeling of bigness.

What I miss:
-being able to lie on your stomach
-sleeping without being propped up with pillows
-my waistline
-Asahi beer and sushi
-eating spicy food, or any food at that, without fear of heartburn
-control of my bladder
-my favorite pair of jeans

I'm having trouble walking at a normal pace now. My bladder may be full so I can't walk fast less I disturb it, or I'm having a Braxton-Hicks contraction that tightens my whole belly area so I can't stride along at a normal pace, or I get shortness of breath so I need to take careful steps.

Today I forced myself to go to school. I couldn't let down my students. It was Book Report Day. How could I call in sick? So I suffered through the day with a stuffy/runny nose, a constant headache, and a nasty cough. In addition, every time I coughed, I experienced the loss of bladder control that people say happens to pregnant women. So, there you go. Coughing is a curse in my life. I wonder if I could receiver inner healing for this. Like I said before, my mom coughed throughout labor and delivery of me, and postpartum. So maybe there's a connection.

Anyways, I'm going on maternity leave soon. I'm so excited to get some rest, but I'm so sad to leave my class. They're a special bunch. Ask Jibin, my little brother. He knows. He taught my kids the value of creating a budget. He threw out words like "income" and "expense" to a bunch of 8-year-olds, and they seemed to get it. The concept of money - having plenty of it and spending it - is something that the kids in my school understand. Today, the word "mortgage" came up during one of my student's book reports. She seemed to know what that meant. I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS! ha.

Anyways, I hope I feel better. I would like to breathe properly sometime soon. And I would like to regain control of my bladder. Thanks!

It was my birthday today! I turned 28. When I was born, my mother was alone in the hospital, without proper blankets to keep her warm, and without proper medication to shield her from the pain. I think she was also sick, too. Coughed a lot. That's why my mom says that I have such a nasty cough whenever I get sick. Because she too was sick and coughing when I was born. When I was finally born, and my dad found out over the phone that it was a girl, he rejoiced. In fact, I think he partied it up a little. While my mom was still in the hospital. This may seem like a sad story, but I like it because in the end, everyone was healthy, and I just like that someone rejoiced when I entered into the world. Without even knowing me, my dad loved me. I think subconsciously, it enabled me to go through life with strength and confidence.

We're thinking of naming our child Abigail. In Hebrew it means "father rejoices" or "father's joy". I like it because I know what it was like for my father to rejoice over me. And I know that Abby will definitely be her father's joy. Plus, I'm sure it can have a spiritual meaning, where our Father in heaven rejoices over His children. So yeah, I'm really diggin the name. I'm 98% sure our daughter's name is Abby. The search for a Korean name continues, though.

My niece recently learned the word "no." She says it all the time now. I think it's great that she's learning to use her "no" muscle right now, so that later on in life, she will know her limits and boundaries. However, it is really disheartening to hear a cute little kid whom you love very much say in your face, "No." "Ellie, your dress is pretty." "No." With a shake of her head. "Ellie, wanna sit next to Auntie?" "No." There was even a time when I just looked at her, and she pointed to me, saying, "No!" There are many different ways to react to this kind of normal toddler behavior. There's Danny's reaction, which is pure, unconditional love. When she says "no" to Danny, he immediately says to her, "I still love you Ellie. Uncle loves Ellie!" I think this kind of love wins her over in the end. Then there's another member of the in-law family, who shall remain nameless, whose reaction is more conditional. When Ellie says "no" to him/her, he/she says, "If you're not interested in me, I'm not interested in you."

I, on the other hand, am somewhere in between. I believe that there are natural connections you make with people in general. Like, when I saw Ellie interact with Auntie Maggie, you can see that they have this natural connection. It's great! I will always love Ellie (my unconditional side), but if we don't have natural connections, I'm not going to force her to give me kisses or let me hold her, or whatever else people expect from little kids.

Having said that, I usually bribe her to get her to come to me. I'm shameless like that. I used candy, fruit, and Christmas presents this past week to win her affections. Oh well. I'm human. I need people to like me. Even little kids.

Do you remember the days of yore when we took school pictures? Well, I still get school pictures! For FREE. Yesterday I passed out the pictures to my students, and watched as they carefully opened their packages in desperate anticipation. Especially the girls. After some sighs and oohs and ahhs, the trading of pictures began. "I'll give you one if you give me one." I wonder if they write "You're neat" or "BFF" on the back of the pictures before they exchange them.

Anyways, I thought I looked great in this picture! Sure, my head is tilted way too much to the right, and my uneven skin tone can never be properly covered with foundation, but... my nostrils are not showing! I remember the photographer had said to raise my chin a little, and I said through my grin, "Uh, no thanks, I'll stay like this." Plus, I've come a long way in school pictures. I don't think I've liked any of them. Perhaps I should post the one from 7th grade just to show you a sampling of what I went through.

I just cancelled our dining table plus six chairs order. I'm such a novice at this whole buying furniture and other large items thing. I'm just getting my feet wet in terms of knowing what a bargain looks like, knowing what styles I like, and knowing when to buy things. Either I jump the gun a lot of the times, or I procrastinate like crazy. I wish I could be like my mom sometimes. She makes decisions as fast as you can say "volkswagon." She's super-efficient, practical, and aggressive about bargaining. I must say, though, that sometimes her style is compromised. I want both. Style and efficiency.

The other day I broke down and cried because I had piles of stuff all over the house. Bills I have to pay, papers to file away, To Do Lists, coupons, and personal letters strewn all over the house in piles. Why? Because I don't have a desk. I don't have a space to call my own. I used to have a desk. Pre-marriage days. Oh, I should have kept that desk. I think it belonged to George's old roommate. But I think I gave it to someone because I thought, "Why would I need a desk for myself when I get married? Danny and I will buy a desk together and we'll share it and it will be perfect." Well, we did get a desk together, and we do share it currently, but it's far from being perfect.

From the beginning, we had different ideas about what our desk should represent. He wanted big, cheap, and no drawers. Big because he thought since we're sharing it, the bigger the better. Cheap because well, the cheaper the item the happier he is. And no drawers because he doesn't care about organizing things in containers and boxes like I do. Basically he wanted something to hold a nice desktop computer. That's what his vision came down to. Computer. I should've known!

I wanted a medium-sized, rustic, mahogany brown desk, with lots of drawers to hold things. An added hutch would be even nicer. All those shelves and nooks and crannies to organize all the junk I have... Wow! It's like having a miniature Container Store at my fingertips. My main purpose was to have a space for me to do bills, write letters, and check email on a laptop. I wanted it to look good, first and foremost. Functionality was a close second. sigh.

Last year, I went looking for a desk of my own, but ended up not getting the ideal desk because we just didn't have room. But now that we're in a bigger place, I have the space to get my own desk. But I know I can't get my IDEAL desk, because that would be close to $1000. I'm on the lookout for something within our budget. I don't know exactly what range that is, but I feel like I'll know when I see it.

Until I purchase my desk, though, there will be many more nights of frustration, sighing, and piles of stuff all over the Chai apartment.