Painful Year

I guess I haven't written in a while. I meant to write in the new year, but I got too busy, and then after a while, it gets harder and harder to start writing again.

I have done some reflecting on this past year and a half. I would say that 2006 (and part of 2005) was the hardest year of my life.

1. Morning Sickness
Just thinking about that time when I was doubled over, staring into the toilet... it amazes me that women who go through bad morning sickness can do it all over again. I remember I was holding onto a single thread of hope that somehow this sickness was going to turn into a beautiful human being. It was 3-4 months of nausea, throwing up, and general ickiness. Chris Tomlin's "Indescribable" was a song that I kept listening to over and over, to somehow convince myself that the God who made the "stars in the sky" and who "know(s) me by name" already had a plan for all this. Even as I was in the emergency room with an IV to rehydrate my body, I somehow believed that things would work out. I took a spiritual gifts inventory recently, and faith was up there as one of my gifts. It probably came in handy during this time.

2. Labor/Delivery
When labor finally came, it was everything that women told me it would be, except with bite! It was just one of those things that you actually had to go through in order to truly understand what it was. I still can't fully explain how a contraction feels. But it's just painful. But I will say this. For me, I knew with certainty that labor wouldn't last for more than three days. My whole labor/delivery ordeal lasted about 30 hours. I was a trooper, if I do say so myself. It was painful, but I took the pain, and then it was over.

3. Postpartum/Nursing
I think this is the part that a lot of women don't talk about as much. Everyone knows to be scared of morning sickness and labor/delivery. But not everyone knows that postpartum and nursing should be things to be scared of the most. I couldn't decide which was worse, 16 weeks of postpartum stuff/nursing or 16 weeks of morning sickness. I think I recently decided that postpartum/nursing was more painful.

The reasons are many:

1) Trying to go pee or poo after birth was a screaming kind of pain.

2) Pressure of nursing (societal) and getting it right (blisters, bleeding, engorgement, chafing, clogged ducts, etc.) was so not fun.

3) Emotionally, I was so down in the dumps, and very volatile

4) Sleep deprivation (whereas during morning sickness days I was able to just think about myself, during postpartum I had to think of my baby as well)

5) People not knowing that postpartum is so difficult, whereas with morning sickness when you tell people that you're sick, they might know what that feels like. I couldn't really explain to people who asked how I was doing that I actually was not feeling that great.

"My nipples are bleeding at this time."
"I just went pee and now I think I'm burning to death."

I think people expected that mothers may be a bit sleep-deprived, but I think for me, there was so much going on emotionally and mentally, on top of what was happening physically. This takes me into the next topic.

4. Relationships
My relationships suffered this past year.

a. Mother - On top of everything I was going through physically, emotionally, and mentally, here was my sweet mother trying to help me out the best way she knew how. Her knowledge base was all things Korean, and I just wasn't ready to receive all things Korean. We got into a lot of fights, and a lot of tears were shed.

b. Friends - I got into a lot of misunderstandings with friends. Some were mended, and some were not. My life was in major transition, and for sure things were going to change. I was not prepared sufficiently for the change that would happen with friends. I'm still grieving the loss of some friends. But one thing I realized is that I can not, and WILL not hold onto any bitterness. I know what bitterness does to a person. I've seen what it does to a person. And I refuse to let Satan have a foothold in my life. So when a friend is gone from my life, for whatever reason, I just make sure that I don't hold any grudge or bitterness.

c. Danny - I'm sure Danny was going through his own kind of transition into fatherhood. I think I didn't fully realize what that would look like. I was hyper-focused on myself. I'm sick. I'm tired. I'm this and that. I just expected him to be there for me fully. And he disappointed me. We went through our greatest ups and greatest downs this past year. It was very painful. It just shook my world (and my ego) to think that we need a lot of help as a couple.

6. Motherhood
For the first 5 months, I was stressed out. I was stressed when Abby started crying. I was stressed about swaddling her just right. I was stressed about finding daycare for Abby when I went back to work outside the home. I was stressed about her sleep schedule. I was stressed about breaking her fragile body. I thought about all the possible horrible things that could happen to her. I really had to turn to God for help on this one. I'm still learning how to treat Abby as a gift from God. Everything I do for her, I need to do it excellently, but then entrust the rest to God. That's the skill of mothering that I'm continually trying to hone.

Gosh, if you've read this far, then I applaud you. I just wanted to write down my reflections before I forget.