Crazy Food

Tonight I had leftover rice and some random Korean side dishes for dinner, while feeding Abby her dinner of Earth's Best peas with brown rice and a big cube of soft tofu, the kind you would use to make soondooboo. Then, after putting her to sleep, I boiled some water and ate some Shin Ramen in a cup. Wow, that was great! It hit the spot on a cold wintry-like day. While watching "Overboard" and folding laundry, I suddenly wanted Rice Krispies treats, but realized that we didn't have any marshmallows. SO, what did I do? I got a bowl of Rice Krispies, a giant scoop of crunchy peanut butter, and some mini Hershey's bars from our leftover Halloween candy stash, and had a grand ol' time. It was yummy delicious. But now I feel totally bloated, my teeth feel sugary, and I'm tired because it is now way past midnight.

I need guidance and direction in my life.

Baby Hair

Interestingly enough, this post is about the baby hair that is growing on my head! Not my baby's hair, or lack thereof, actually.

With nursing comes all kinds of strange and wonderful experiences. For the first six months, my hair fell out like crazy. I don't know the physics of it all, but there was just one too many hair falling out. I would run my hand through my hair, and out came a handful of hair. I would blow dry my hair after a shower, and it would blow a handful of hair out. It was not pleasant. I would lean over in Abby's crib, and all of a sudden, flutter flutter flutter. There goes three strands of hair, now landing all over Abby. But around seven months, something even more weird started happening. New hair started growing on my head! Right alongside my hairline, all these little baby hairs are sticking out. Other friends who are in similar situations are experiencing the same thing. I haven't had baby hair since third grade.

Danny thinks it's cool. I guess I should be thankful that my hairline is increasing, and not the opposite. It's not like fathers get a fresh new batch of hair to replace their missing strands. Hey, but no complaints, right, men? A small bonus for mothers, who do all the hard work with the nursing.

OLD NAVY

I have found it! There's now an Old Navy right next to Nordstroms at Valley Fair Mall. For the longest time I was saying that there should be a variety of colors for girl babies' clothing, such as black and gray. And boy was I pleasantly surprised to find that Old Navy has that! Solid colors galore! I love it. Now Abby and I can match: long sleeved black shirt and jeans. I didn't actually buy any of the black and gray yet - I'm still waiting for Abby's hair to get a little longer so that I can put a clip in her hair. And she has plenty of clothes for now, thanks to Ellie and her two grandmothers. But once I start being the main shopper of clothes for Abby, I think Old Navy is the place to be. Plus, the clothes are cheap!

An Update

I started working a couple days a week. It's been crazy hectic for me. For one, it's been a shock to my system to wake up at 5:45am or earlier, depending on when the baby decides to wake up. And, I can't afford to wake up late anymore. Even though I really love and trust the daycare that we chose, there's a little part of me that stays guilty for leaving her.

On the other hand, it forces me to be a super responsible, focused, and productive teacher. I have to leave school no later than 4:30pm in order to pick up Abby. Before, I had the freedom to leave whenever I wanted to. Now, every minute counts. I don't have time to dilly dally. No time to check my personal email. I have to set aside time to go and pump. This is important because it's the main source of nourishment for my child!

In addition, since I am job-sharing, it is essential that I keep track of everything that happens in the classroom because I need to tell my partner about it. As a teacher, I have never been so organized and so accountable to another person for my actions and decisions. Teaching is usually a solo effort. Sure you can plan with other teachers, but in the end the one teacher is in charge of what happens in the classroom. Sharing a teaching position has forced me to reflect on my lessons, and write down all of my student observations.

So I feel like I'm a better teacher. And I also feel like I'm a better mother because the time that I do get to spend with Abby, I'm totally attentive. If my part-time job were something I mildly enjoyed, I don't think it would be worth it to work outside the home. But because I love to teach, this job-share situation is ideal for me.

OK, so it's only been two weeks. Talk to me around December and see how I feel!!!

Narcissism and Abby Food

I think it's hilarious that both Danny and I think that our own blogs are hilarious. I sometimes sit here and read one of my old entries, and I say out loud, "Haha! Good one!" Or I'll just sit here thinking, "Wow, how witty of me to have written that." Danny would see the big smile on my face, and ask, "What's so funny? Are you reading one of your old entries again?" Danny, being the master programmer that he is, has now built a new feature on his page whereby if you click on it, you get a random entry he'd written, along with all the comments posted from people. This "Random Entry" link is basically the same thing I do, except it's more nerdy. We just have a blast thinking we're all that.

Anyways, on to Abby. She has started solid foods!!! So according to the books, you're supposed to introduce one food at a time so that you can figure out if your baby is allergic to that particular food. I started out with rice cereal. Everything seemed fine, except that she had major constipation. Poor little grunting girl! Apparently, a teaspoon of prune juice diluted in milk should do the trick. We'll see... Tomorrow she will taste avocado. As I was pureeing the avocado to a nice smooth consistency, I had a thought that horrified me. This avocado is not organic!!! Oh well. Just don't tell my mother-in-law.

Then I wondered what kind of a mother I was going to be, in terms of providing food. This book that I'm reading, Super Baby Food, is sometimes over-the-top, according to Lorraine, and I'm seeing why. For example, it recommends growing your own food. It's one thing to make your own baby food, but to grow your own raw ingredients?? I don't know. Maybe it's just that anything I've ever tried to grow has died. The other thing is, I don't have time to be that kind of mom. My motto will be: Do the best that I can, and make sure I do it for all my kids. This latter clause really grounds me. I know that it definitely will be an entirely different experience with my other kid(s), but some things I want to try and keep the same. I can give all my kids store-bought organically grown food. I can puree a couple of fruits and vegetables here and there. I will not raise my own cow, churn my own butter, or plant my own garden (I'll hire someone to do this if we have a nice backyard one day).

Anyways, after the avocado introduction, I was thinking of introducing KIMCHEE!

New York Trip

abbywedding
Originally uploaded by jieungrace.

Flying with an infant is not so fun. LA trips are ok because a one hour flight is nothing. However, a six hour flight is not too pleasant for all parties involved. I felt really bad for the teenage girl sitting next to me and Danny. Abby slept for most of the flight, but the several hours that she was awake, there was much fussing and crying and wailing.

Anyways, this is a shot of Abby at Marshall and Connie's wedding. When she's in a new situation with new people, she gets really clingy to mommy and daddy. People wanted to hold her and admire her and coo at her, but she gave them nothin. The most she'd do was stare calmly, if in Mommy's or Daddy's arms.

I just love getting to know who Abby is. She is her own person. It's startling to realize that your little girl is not a replica of your own self, and yet it's exciting to see how my influence on her development marks her as my own.

So far I'm finding that she's shy with strangers, doesn't like big crowds, hates being the center of attention, and she's introverted. Wait a second, am I talking about Abby, or DANNY? Ha! They have similar personalities, for sure. It's cute.

One thing about having an infant: when you walk into a store or a restaurant holding your child, you get a LOT of attention. You can hear whispers of "Oh, how cute!" or "Look at those little toes!" Other people simple walk up to you and ask, "How old is he?" I usually respond by saying, "SHE is 4 months old." Anyways, I love the attention we get. I actually enjoy random interactions with strangers, most of the time, when it's not with creepy men. But I realized that Abby probably doesn't enjoy them as much as I do.

Flickr

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

Sacred Hours from 9pm to 2am

If you've ever noticed the time stamps on my blog entries, you'll see that they're written mostly from the hours of 9pm to 2am. Occasionally I'll sneak in an entry during one of Abby's naps during the day. I crave my alone time. During this time, I eat at a normal pace, shower at a normal pace, check email, upload pictures on flickr, read other peoples' blogs, pump milk, read, watch TV, pay my bills, write thank you cards, wash the dishes, pick up toys, take out the trash, tidy up the rooms, and spend time with Danny. Basically, my life resumes at night.

You can begin to wonder about some of the problems that arise from this routine.

Two of the chores that are pretty tricky to complete are cleaning the baby room (the baby is in there sleeping!) and doing laundry (since the laundry room in our apartment complex closes at 10pm, and I need about 2 hours). I have to muster up enough energy during the day to do these chores with the baby attached to me on a bjorn, or just slip away while the baby is playing with toys.

I don't get enough sleep. If I sleep at 2am, and the baby wakes up at 6:30am, that's only 4 hours. Now, potentially, I can get 9 hours of sleep if I go to bed right when I put the baby to bed. But therein lies the problem. I can't sleep at such an early hour! I would be lying in bed with my eyes wide open until about midnight or 1am. That would mean that I wasted 3 to 4 hours of productivity. I guess I could always go to bed at midnight and get about 6 and a half hours of sleep. That's ultimately my goal, but it's so hard to break a habit.

I was sooo happy when I discovered a fellow night owl. Jenny, of George and Jenny. She text messaged me at around midnight last month to ask if they could bring something over for dinner the next day. I was like, "Woa! She's still up???" I was so excited that I decided to text her back immediately. The next night, we talked about how we're both night owls, rather sheepishly, because it's so not appropriate to be a night owl in this society. We're a minority. I'm talking about post-college. We are discriminated against institutionally. Schools start at 8am! People go to work at 7-8am!

Anyways, I'm wondering when does everyone else go to bed? Am I a lone owl? Hoot. Hoot...

Sleep Training

Parents are split over the issue of training their infants to sleep. Some are gungho about letting the child cry it out. Others are all about attending to their every cry and making sure the infant is asleep before laying them down in their cribs.

Before I had a child I was like, "Of course let her cry it out!" Ch. And then Abby was born. How could I, her mother, her protector, let her cry for more than five minutes?? I understand that line of reasoning. For the past four months, we've been doing a combination approach where we would put her down drowsy, sometimes with a pacifier, sometimes swaddled in a miracle blanket, sometimes dead asleep, sometimes this and sometimes that. Even if she was able to go through the night without food, she still would wake up a couple of times due to gas, noise, or whatever. Combine that with the fact that I don't actually go to bed until around 2am (I'm a night owl), and the result is that I haven't really slept for more than five hours at one time for the past four months. But I'm not complaining. I'm just telling it like it is. I usually make up for the sleep debt during the day by taking multiple naps.

Anyways, at Abby's 4 month appointment, the doctor declared that Abby was a very healthy baby. She's got rolls of fat, she's reached plenty of milestones (like rolling over), and she makes all kinds of new noises (including a shriek that resembles what one would imagine a velociraptor sounded like). Sooooo, Danny and I decided that Abby shall now cry herself to sleep. That sounds so harsh to me when I say it, but there's no reason why she shouldn't be able to soothe herself now.

Problem: But what if she rolls over and gets her arm stuck and can't breathe?
Solution: We put these wedges next to her body on both sides so that she can't roll over. Bought them at Target. I figure when she has mastered rolling over on both sides she won't need them anymore. Plus, it is good to put your infant to sleep on her back (I put her on her tummy for naps only now).

Problem: But what if she's going through a growth spurt and crying because she's hungry?
Solution: This is a big question for me because as the sole giver of nutrition for my child, I'm always worrying about if I'm doing an OK job. But let's face the facts. She's pretty huge. The doctor says she's in the 75th percentile for her weight. In addition, people at church have referred to her as "fatso," "chubby," "gargantuan," "sumo wrestler," and the like. You can't deny that she's getting enough to eat. So if she's hungry, I'm sure it's not going to be a big deal. As for growth spurts, someone told me that even if babies go through growth spurts, they can still sleep through the night. They can just eat more frequently during the day.

Problem: What if she's afraid of the dark and she's crying out of fear?
Solution: We thought of getting a nightlight, but haven't quite gotten it yet. Perhaps it's true, but it's not likely.

Problem: What if she doesn't know how to soothe herself?
Solution: Before Abby discovered that she can suck her fingers to soothe herself, I did not believe in letting her "cry it out." It would have just been literally tiring yourself out by crying, and not knowing how to soothe yourself. But now, she knows how to suck her fingers, and when she stops crying or fussing long enough to remember that she knows how to soothe herself, she'll do it and she'll fall asleep. The only way we would've known this is to just try it out one day. We did, and eventually she found her fingers, and she was able to calm down. Although it took her one hour of crying. Of course, we would check on her every five minutes or so to make sure that she was OK.

Problem: What if she needs to burp and can't do it on her own?
Solution: We try to make sure that we burp her before she goes to sleep. And if she's still uncomfortable due to gas, then eventually she'll spit up and it'll be fine. It might a little bit messy, but it's not the end of the world.

So anyways, even if there are solutions to the many problems I worry about, I STILL worry. We started this "cry it out" approach this week, and every time I put her down, my heart breaks. Did I feed her enough? Is it too early to put her down? Does she want to stay up just a little longer? Is she in pain and I just don't know it? Is a bug biting her? Is she bleeding and screaming her head off to warn me? Did I change her diaper? Is the tag on her clothes bothering her? Will her vocal cords be ruined? Am I a BAD mother? Is this really necessary? Can't I just hold her all night? Why can't she just sleep with me? Does she feel abandoned? These are just examples of some of the questions I ask myself.

On the plus side, she seems to sleep better if she's left to soothe herself to sleep. So I know that our little method is helping her, but I am holding my breath every night until she's sound asleep. It takes anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour of crying. Will it get better? Should we try a different approach? Will the madness of questions end?

Hot, Doctor's Appointment, Hair

OK, why is it so freaking hot? The Bay Area is not prepared for such weather. At least in Houston or LA everyone is equipped with a working central air conditioner. Here, it's like, people are sleeping over at other peoples' homes, fixing their AC, or moving into the one room of the house that has AC. The last kind of people are us. Danny and I and Abby have been sleeping in the living room/kitchen area. You can close the door so that the cold air stays in. I feel like we've been quarantined or something.

I went to the doctor's today for Abby's 4 month appointment. I knew she was long, but she's a Whoppin' 27 inches, which puts her in the 100th percentile. My immediate thought was, "Oh no, what if she's that girl in school who's the tallest in her class?" I say oh no because I read somewhere that tallness is socially a good thing for boys in school, but not so much for a girl. Usually tallness is closely associated with developing earlier. If you have a girl in a sixth grade classroom that's already matured, and a boy who's already tall and matured, the boy is more likely to have social success than the girl. So I've read. Anyways, after thinking this initially, I was glad that we have such a healthy little girl. Our pediatrician is a Christian, so we pray after every visit, thanking the Lord for Abby's health.

And then she got her shots. Poor girl, didn't know the needles were coming. She was just waking up from her nice nap. And then Wham! Zap! Pow! I know they're necessary and good, but it's so heartbreaking!!!! But she was good. She only cried a little bit.

So my hair is really nice, .... when I have time to make it look nice!!! Which is never. I have these bangs which are great if you spend time blow-drying it and styling. If not, they're just annoying and in your face all the time. What was I thinking???

I Got Bangs!!!

I get my hair cut once a year. For women, maintaining hair is expensive. Danny goes to a place called Lisa's Perfect Cuts and get his hair cut for 8 dollars. Apparently, several men from our smallgroup go there as well. They all bonded over how cheap it is - there were smiles all around.

So anyways, I went to get my hair cut at Mission 6 and I decided to get bangs. I chose the most non-ahjoomma cut I could imagine. Ever wonder why ahjoommas tend to have short boycut hair? It's because kids grab onto their mommies' hair when they're held! So now I have a long layered cut, complete with bangs. Totally non-ahjooma, but completely accessible for hair-grabbing by Abby. In fact, because it's layered, Abby has multiple access points; if she doesn't grab the top layer, then she still has like three more chances until the length of hair ends. Oh well. Another sacrifice for beauty. Ah. What women will do for the sake of beauty. And it's not like because I got this haircut, I'm automatically beautiful. Achieving the intended look requires about an hour of blow-drying, training new bangs to be independent of the rest of the hair, hair-spraying, and gelling. I don't have that kind of time every day.

The last time I had bangs was when I was four years old.

OK, now I'm boring myself to death. Got to stop.

I Don't Get Poetry

I've been meaning to write about this for awhile. I just don't get poetry. I guess I'm not wired that way, or I'm just hopelessly uncultured. Whenever I come across a poem that is written by someone I know, I'm amazed. It's like, wow, how did they come up with such beautiful sounding language, of which I know not the meaning?

I can relate to Monica on Friends. There was one episode when she was dating this dude who wrote a poem about an empty vase. Monica thought it was great, took it literally, and decided to give her guy an empty vase for a present. But Phoebe comes up and says, "Hello! This poem is about you! You're an empty vase. Pretty to look at, but nothing inside." Something like that. Monica gets mad and confronts him. It turns out that he was referring to all American women. ANYWAYS, I feel like Monica sometimes.

The reason why I was thinking about this recently is because my mom and older brother both have blogs, and they sometimes write poetry on their blogs. My mom especially is a prolific poet. When she was here for the first three weeks of Abby's life, she was constantly getting inspired by Abby and posting poems online like crazy. I read some of them, and I just don't get how you put words together like that. Is anyone with me? It must be partly genetic because my older brother enjoys writing and reading poems as well. What happened to me and Jibin?

I can name a few of my friends who are very poetic and writes poetry all the time. I say great for you and poo for me. I'm not jealous necessarily. I guess it's just a world that I don't get, and I'm fine with not getting it. I just have to accept that the fact that I'm not good at EVERYTHING. haha. In fact, I remember on the AP English exam there was a poem we had to read and then analyze it. That was the hardest thing ever. My friend turned to me after the exam and asked something like, "Wasn't that poem about the garden really hard?" I looked at my friend blankly and said, "What garden? There was a garden?" Whoops. Needless to say, I think I got a 2 or a 3 on that exam.

Ahjoomma

Today, as I was sitting alone (with Abby in stroller) in front of Fantasia, enjoying a nice green milk tea with pearls, I came upon a sudden realization. I'm an ahjoomma now. Growing up, I think Korean Americans all associated the word ahjoomma with a woman who has a short haircut and perm, usually wearing "mom" jeans that hike up all the way up to the waist, and can be spotted picking her teeth with a toothpick in public whilst sporting a very wide-brimmed hot pink visor, an oversized fake Louis Vuitton purse, and sandals with socks. Come on, you've all seen them. Some of them are your mothers!!! My mother is a classic ahjoomma.

But in actuality, the term ahjoomma refers loosely to a woman who is married and has kids. If you're unmarried and still young, you're called "aghashee" or "chunyuh" (which directly translated means "virgin" in English). I remember having these titles from about the end of high school to when I got married. When you're newly married and young (for about the first two years), you're called "shekshee," which is uncannily like the word "sexy" in English.

What if you're not married and have kids? You're an "ahjoomma." The rule is, if you have kids, you're automatically an "ahjooma." What if you're married and never have kids? Somewhere along the way, you become "ahjoomma." What if you're single and not that young, and haven't gotten married? Then you're referred to as "no-chunyuh," which means "old virgin" when directly translated. But this is not something you call someone to their face. I've only heard it in reference to people, when they're not in the same room. It's not supposed to be a good thing in Korean culture, to be a "no-chunyuh." But whatever. It's the 2000s. Let's get over it. If you're in this category, you're eventually called "ahjoomma," because it would be rude and very inappropriate to call you "no-chunyuh."

So this realization that I'm officially an ahjoomma didn't depress me, like I thought it would. I accept this title with pride. Yes, I'm married, no longer "shekshee," and yes, I have a child. I'm AHJOOMMA. However, I say let's re-define what ahjoomma stands for. How about low-rise jeans, medium-length layered hair, a real Kate Spade diaper bag, and no wide-brimmed hot pink visor? Just a little sunblock would do, really.

Anyone with me? Who out there is an ahjoomma? Come on, raise your hand. Be proud of it.

Loan Consolidation

I don't know why I'm so nice to telemarketers and other random people who call to inform me about loan consolidation opportunities. Today I lost a little patience. This woman called to tell me about consolidating my loans by July 1st.

Woman: Is Mrs. Chai there?
Me: This is she.
Woman: I'm calling to tell you about your student loans. You can consolidate.....
Me: I'm sorry to interrupt, but I'm not interested.
Woman: Why aren't you interested in consolidating your loans?
Me: Thank you for calling, but I'm not interested.
Woman: I'm not trying to sell you anything. By July 1st, you can consolidate.....
Me: Thank you for informing me about the loan consolidation, but I already know about it.
Woman: Then why aren't you interested in consolidating your loans?
Me: I'm not interested in talking to you about it.

(At this point, I feel really bad that I had to tell her my true feelings. But on the other hand, I feel like I'm nicer than other people who just hang up.)

Woman: I'm sorry to have bothered you.
Me: No problem. Have a nice day!

(I'm trying to let her know that there are no hard feelings. I know she's just doing her job. Maybe I should've just hung up? Or maybe I should use the line that my mom uses: "No speak English.")

By the way, anyone know what's happening with the loan consolidation thing and why July 1st is so significant? I've already consolidated, but can you RE-consolidate??

Daddy's Little Girl

It really is amazing how fast babies grow. This first picture was taken the first week Abby came home. She fit perfectly on Danny's lap, and didn't really do much. She just stared and stared, barely aware of her surroundings. She had great attention span for an infant her age. And Danny would read to her so that she would recognize his voice. He read somewhere that babies like low, deep voices, so here he is reading from Nehemiah in a low, deep voice. She is absolutely enthralled by him. It's really precious. I just had to take a picture of them bonding together like this. It warmed my heart.

Time flies when you're having fun, they say. In this next picture, Abby is an alert 2-month old who's ready to socialize with the world. As you can see, her legs hang over to one side, and pretty soon she won't fit on our laps nice and evenly. Ever since she started smiling back at us, Danny hasn't stopped turning on the grin machine. He often exaggerates his smiles so that Abby will really understand how she's supposed to imitate him. She absolutely adores him and always smiles back at him. I love this picture because it shows a dedicated father who loves his daughter like crazy. I mean, how can you not smile back at this?

Baby Blues

We went to LA this past weekend. I was so nervous about flying on the plane with an infant, but it turned out OK. This is one of my favorite pictures from the weekend. Abby and Warren bumping heads, but having no idea that they're next to each other. Warren is Norma's second son. We all had lunch at their place. There were five adults, three infants, and one toddler. It was great seeing old friends and sharing a meal together. But it's just not the same anymore. Mothers are constantly concerned about their little ones. I'm wolfing down my food so that I'll be ready at a moment's notice to attend to Abby, Karen is chasing after Aaron to make sure he doesn't run into a wall or fall down the stairs, and Norma is disciplining Aidan while Warren starts to fuss for his nap. There are all kinds of gadgets/toys everywhere, and "Blues Clues" is on in the background. It's hard to carry on a conversation. I don't feel like I really know what's going on in Sangsoo's life. What are Norma's deepest desires? What does Karen struggle with lately? No clue.

I've been reading this book called Tender Mercy for a Mother's Soul. It said something interesting that I relate to strongly:

"Loving my children can fill me up, but some days, it will completely empty my soul. To raise children means that you are constantly giving - all of your energies, all of your emotion, all of your time. Often I realize that my well is empty, my mind is numb, and my heart is heavy. There is nothing left for anyone. I am given out."

I am a people-pleaser and an extrovert. I love serving others emotionally. But lately, I'm empty. I'm all given out. My other roles have been put to a halt. I know I was once a wife. I remember serving my husband. I used to cook and clean the house. I know I was once a good friend. I remember calling people, writing letters, and making appointments.

Lately, I tend to hang out with other mothers because we all have an understanding. I don't have to apologize as much. I attended a breastfeeding mothers support group in order to hang out with other people whose attention gets distracted every 15 minutes. I was in line at the grocery store the other day and I saw a magazine featuring Jennifer Garner and her daughter Violet. I immediately thought, "Oh, we should hang out." Ha.

Anyways, I just feel empty. The book goes on to say that the emptiness needs to be filled with God. So yeah, that's my struggle: to fill myself with God so that I can overflow, not only to my daughter, but to everyone around me. All the books warned of postpartum depression and postpartum blues. I think I experienced a little bit of the blues.

I look at this picture of Warren and Abby, and I wonder if they'll grow up knowing each other. I wonder if they'll be friends. Whatever happens, I know that for now, they're so cute I can't stand it! A little blues is worth it for a precious picture like this.

A Card

Today I got three personal letters/cards. One in particular stood out. It was a card from Aunt Phyllis. On the front of the card, it reads: "It's amazing how one little person can change your whole world." Inside are four little words that just struck me like a ton of styrofoam bricks. (Not real bricks because it didn't shatter or break me, but I say bricks because it still had shock value. So I chose styrofoam because it's much softer than real bricks, but when you get a ton of them, I'm sure they weigh you down.) It said: "Happy First Mother's Day."

Woa. I'm a mother. I have a daughter. On Sunday the United States of America recognizes mothers as people to be celebrated. That's me. Celebrate me! It feels weird to be on the other side. I've always seen Mother's Day as a time to celebrate my mother, which I still do. But now I'm the recipient of the celebration. One day Abby will bring home a hand-made piece of artwork from Sunday School saying "Happy Mother's Day!" Or not. How fascinating.

Sleeping on Her Tummy

So anyone who reads the latest literature on newborn care will discover that there's a big campaign for "back to sleep." Putting babies to sleep on their backs reduces significantly the risk for SIDS, which is Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. For the first three weeks we put Abby to sleep on her back. Of course, you can't just plop an infant down on her back and expect her to sleep! She has limbs that flail about without her knowing, and that startle her every minute. So, we were diligently swaddling her tightly in blankets. It was at times stressful because swaddling is a learned art, and unless you have a good swaddle, babies will get out of it, and end up not sleeping. Then the parents get upset and frustrated.

Enter mother-in-law. The first thing she did when she came to visit is to put Abby on her tummy when sleeping. She was adamant about it because she didn't want Abby to grow up with a flat head. I asked, "What about SIDS?" SIDS, Schmids. Her reasoning was that we were all raised on our tummies, so what's the big deal. So what was I supposed to do? Go against my mother-in-law?

So now Abby sleeps on her tummy. Sh! Don't tell anyone we do this. It's one of those things that you aren't supposed to tell your pediatrician or say out loud to other mothers. Kind of like if you're a Republican in California, keep it to yourself.

The results of Abby on her tummy have been great. She sleeps better and longer. The only problem is putting her in her crib without waking her. Imagine that she fell asleep in my arms with her tummy and face on my torso. How the heck am I supposed to switch her so that she ends up like that in the crib??? Well, every time I put her down, I would try a new method. There's the roll-over technique (she almost always wakes up with this technique), the flip-over technique (she almost always wakes up with this technique), and then there's the random-technique-that-works-but-I-can-never-replicate-again technique. Most of the time I just pray and have faith in God right before I put her in her crib that somehow she'll end up on her tummy and sleep well.

But today I learned a new technique from another mom. It's the face-plant technique! I was eager to come home and try it out. And...... it worked! It wasn't perfect, but now I have a technique to follow, and I'm sure I'll master it after a couple more tries. I'll still pray and have faith that God will allow her to sleep well because, hey, why not.

First Outing

Our first outing together as a family was to church today, on Easter. I'm so relieved that it went well. I discovered the nursery at Baylight. I only vaguely knew it was there, but I never knew how well-organized and delightful it was in there. Go Baylight.

Anyways, my biggest fear when going out is that Abby will cry and won't stop, despite all my efforts to calm her. Why is this my biggest fear? Because I'm a people pleaser. I just feel bad for people around me to have to listen to her wails. It just stresses me out. If babies didn't cry, I would be so happy. I don't mind so much the waking up in the middle of the night, not getting enough sleep, changing diapers, and all the other stuff. But the crying makes me feel so nervous. It's like detective work.

But then again, how would I know to change her diaper if she didn't cry? How would I even wake up in the middle of the night if she didn't cry? I wish babies had little buttons to press to communicate their needs, instead of crying: WET DIAPER, HUNGRY, LONELY, SLEEPY, DIAPER RASH, DADDY STOP KISSING ME SO MUCH. Wouldn't that be great?

Two Kinds of Smiles

I read somewhere that babies practice their smiles during their sleep for the first month. And then sometime in the second month they start using this powerful tool during their conscious state. So I noticed that Abby has two distinct smiles. One is from the Chai side of the family. It's this full on ear-to-ear grin, complete with gums/teeth showing and crescent-shaped eyes. It just melts my heart. The other one is from the Park side of the family. It's really just a smirk. She raises just the left side of her lips for about a second, and then goes back to normal. It's as if she heard a witty joke, and then responded with a sarcastic remark, accompanied by the smirk. Just like her uncles!!! I wish I could get a picture of it. It cracks me up.

Yahoo Socks

The Chai household is very serious about supporting Yahoo. Even Abby. I took about 10 pictures trying to get the perfect shot. Thanks to our friend Tina Park who got us this precious gift. I decided Abby looks best in red and white.

Abigail Jinhee's Birth Story

When I was in the hospital late at night nursing Abigail, on the second day of her life, I decided to tell her a story about the day she was born. As I told it to her, I began to weep. I guess it was a combination of hormones and delayed emotional response to her actual birth. You see, I was very calm and collected during delivery, and I was actually looking to Danny for emotional cues. When he got excited about crowning, I got excited. When he got nervous about the umbilical cord wrapped around Abby's head, I got nervous. And when he started crying (bawling) at the moment of birth, I cried, too. He experienced it all in the present. Perhaps because he wasn't drugged. Whatever the reason, my first reaction to Abigail was "Awwww.... it's a baby! How darling!" It wasn't until the second day, in the stillness of night, when Danny was sleeping on the couch, and the lights were out, that I got to feel all the emotions of the previous day while rocking and cradling my precious daughter close to my heart.

On Tuesday, March 21, 2006, the long-awaited DUE DATE, I woke up with a start at 6:00am. I groaned and turned over to Danny, saying, "I think I'm having a contraction." And sure enough, every 8 minutes, I had a contraction that lasted about 45 seconds. Of course the night before we had gone to bed at 4am because that's who we are. We are night owls and that's what we do. I had gotten 4 hours of sleep, and for the next 24 hours, I did not get a chance to sleep. So I got up and went about my day in spurts of 8 minutes. Every time I had a contraction, I bounced on my exercise ball, did some hee-hee-hooooo breathing technique, or tried some kind of laboring position I learned in childbirth classes. I felt excited, anxious, and scared. My attitude was, "This can't be that bad. Women have been doing this for centuries. I can do it, too. I've got to stay strong."

I went to my doctor's appointment at 11:00am, and I told my doctor that I'm in early labor, and that I've been having regular contractions every 8 minutes since 6:00am this morning. She didn't bat an eye, she didn't seem phased, and she didn't seem excited at all. Hello? I guess in my mind, I thought that since I had been in early labor now for five hours, I would probably deliver my baby in about five hours, 7 hours tops. But she thought my news was mundane. She checked me out, and said that my cervix has a dimple, meaning that it hadn't even started dilating. Great. Five hours of pain, and what did it show for? Nothing.

The rest of the day was spent bouncing on the exercise ball, taking walks with Danny, experiencing painful contractions every 7 to 8 minutes, and calling people in intervals of 8 minutes. My mom and dad had started driving up from LA in the morning. They arrived at around 5pm. We ate dinner, we talked, and everyone helped me through the contractions. One especially useful tool was this rice-filled sack that acted as a heating agent when cooked in the microwave for 3 minutes. Eddie came by to take my dad to the airport. He was en route to China.

The contractions were getting stronger and more painful, and they occurred more frequently as the night wore on. Finally at around 3:30am, when the contractions were coming every 3 minutes, Danny and I went to the hospital after I took one final shower. I thought for sure, after 16 more hours of laboring, I must be at least 5 cm, or ready for delivery. How naive. The doctor said I had dilated 1.5 cm! I nearly broke down crying. You see, the hospital does not admit you until you are 3 cm dilated. They usually send you home. But the doctor could see that I was in pain and had regular contractions, so she said that she would check me in one hour again. That hour was a nightmare! We had a nurse that was very brusque, almost making me cry, and I threw up my dinner all over the floor and my shoes. Not good times. Anyways, the doctor came by to check me again, and this time she said that I was 3 cm dilated, so that meant I could be admitted to the hospital.

Then the doctor asked me if I wanted an epidural. Danny and I looked at each other. I said, "That sounds about right." You see, my desire to go natural was a bit misguided. Sure, women have been doing it for centuries. But, according to a wise woman who's gone through three births, "Women have also been dying for centuries." The hospital is just not a place to go all natural. I say go to a birth center, or hire a doula or midwife to be with you at a hospital so that they can take over. Doctors and nurses are trained to give out medicine. They believe in its power. And so do I.

After receiving the epidural, it was cake. For the next six hours I dilated nicely, we both took naps, and we had wonderful nurses who took really good care of me. When the time came for pushing, the doctor on duty came into the room. I recognized her instantly. "Hey, did you go to Whitney?" She answered, "Yes!" It turns out that she's the older sister of one of my classmates from high school. So, in between contractions and pushing, we had a nice conversation about the "school of dreams," and caught up with Cerritos news. At 1:43pm, Abigail Jinhee Chai was born, in the presence of not only one Whitney alum, but TWO Whitney alums! Wow.

Emotional Danny

Danny has been very emotional lately. We watched an episode of West Wing last night, and he was tearing up because it touched him that they were trying to "do the right thing." And then a couple of nights before that, his eyes welled up with tears as he played Keith Green's "Prodigal Son" on the piano. After playing, he started bawling (our wedding-esque) because it just touched him so much. I asked him was it your playing that touched you or God's heart for the prodigal son? Haha. Just kidding. And I just read his entry about a song and how he feels like crying every time he hears it.

Do guys go through hormonal changes? Does he have sympathy pregnancy hormones raging inside of him? I mean, it's perfectly normal for me to go through crying sessions, but for him, it's not the norm. In any case, I like it. When we were dating, he told me that he thought he didn't have tear ducts because he cried exactly two times in his life. I said, "Interesting." Since then, I've seen the waterworks turn on many times. Especially at our wedding. He and his dad (who officiated and was standing up there with us) were both a watery, snotty mess. :) Good times! I just think in general it's great to see men cry. It's sad that they're socialized not to. It's the greatest release of emotion in the world! I feel tons better after a good cry.

A Survey

Two Names You Go By

1. Jieun

2. Ji

Two Parts of Your Heritage

1. Korean. I was born there. My relatives all live there. I speak the language and root for the Korean Olympic teams.

2. American. This is the country in which I grew up. My earliest memories are here. Most of my significant life events occurred here.

Two things that scare you

1. Labor and delivery.

2. Conflict and tension in a room.

Two Of Your Everyday Essentials

1. Washing my face, which is not something that everyone in the Chai household practices daily.

2. Checking email. I love getting personal email. I get so upset at all the spam I get. But I'd rather have spam waiting for me than to have nothing in my INBOX when I sign in. Sad.

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now

1. Red Stanford sweatshirt. It's a part of my sleepwear.

2. Fuzzy white slippers. I bought this pair at Macy's because our apartment is freakin' cold. I can't wait for the sun to shine into our lives.

Two of Your Favorite Bands or Musical Artists

1. Debbie Gibson

2. Whitney Houston

Two Things You Want in a Relationship

1. Conversation. It's important that I have things to talk about with the other person. Not just being the listener (which is my default mode), but to actually feel like the other person wants to listen to what I have to say as well.

2. Keeping in touch. It's important to me that Danny calls me throughout the day, or writes me an email, or AIMS me, etc. And vice versa. Same goes with friends.

Two Physical Things that Appeal to You

1. Clean lines. I like furniture that is classic.

2. Solid basic colors. You should have seen my wardrobe in high school. White, gray, navy blue, and black. I discovered red in college, and pink as a married woman, but my default mode is white, gray, navy blue, and black. Think JCrew and Gap back in 1994-1996.

Two of Your Favorite Hobbies

1. Reading. I've become a reader in recent years. When I'm into a good book, I feel like I'm taking a wonderful adventure. I actually go through a grieving process when I finish a book because I feel like I'll never find another good book to read.

2. Watching sit-coms. Ever since Family Ties and Growing Pains, I have loved watching situation comedies. I'm a fan of Friends and Everybody Loves Raymond lately. If any of those shows are on when I turn on the TV, then it's 30 minutes of smiling Jieun.

Two Things You Want Really Badly

1. Stand mixer. I should have registered for one when we got married, but I didn't know anything about the kitchen or cooking back then, so I had no idea what a great piece of machinery this was. The prices keep going up. Currently they run at $250!

2. A nice blazer. I haven't found one that I like.

Two Places You Want to go on Vacation

1. Austria. I want to go on the Sound of Music tour.

2. Hawaii. I've gone only once with my family. Not good times. I believe my brothers and I were all adolescents experiencing teenage angst and bad mood. I want to counter that experience with a good one.

Two Things You Want to Do Before You Die

1. Visit NK.

2. See my grandchild being born.

Two Things You Are Thinking About Now

1. Labor and delivery.

2. What does Abby look like? Whom does she resemble??

Two Stores You Shop At

1. Target. It's where you can whatever you need.

2. Macy's. A down-to-earth department store. Not shee-shee-foo-foo like some other places. I feel comfortable going here, and I'm not so aware of being underdressed. And the customer service here has improved greatly.

Two people You Haven't Talked To In A While

1. Jean Lee. My senior year roommate. I need to get her current address, but her phone number had changed, too, so I'm in the process of tracking her down.

2. Eunice Chu. I wonder how she's faring in Virginia.

Two favorite web sites

1. mail.yahoo.com. I love checking email.

2. babiesrus.com. I love updating my registry and checking out the latest baby products.

Two Favorite Sports

1. Softball. I'm actually pretty good. I have good aim and coordination. And I don't like running too much. Perfect!

2. Volleyball. I actually coached a sixth grade volleyball team back at Menlo School. And, I played in junior high before becoming a cheerleader for it. I love the adrenaline you feel when you're in ready position, and the moment you connect with the ball, it's a rush! I was a good bumper, horrible setter, and an even worse server. But I always enjoyed the teamwork aspect of sports like volleyball.

Two People who will fill this out

1. Karen

2. Jibin

Two things you did last night

1. Watched two episodes of West Wing. Dave and Tina Park both recommended this show to us. It's getting really good. I'm enjoying the dry wit and the depth of characters. I have a hard time following the politics, though.

2. Made curry for dinner. I was proud of the result! This time I didn't forget the potatoes, and I didn't overcook the ingredients. This has become one of my staples. I think I need to expand my repertoire, though. I always fear that Danny gets bored and tired of my cooking.

Two shows you like to watch

1. Friends. Come on! Chandler Bing. Monica. Ross and Rachel. Joey. And weird Phoebe. How can anyone not like to watch this show? Can it BE any better??

2. Everybody Loves Raymond. An Italian American family who deals with family/in-law troubles. It's very similar to Korean-American families, and because I can relate to the situations, I enjoy watching it. I think some of my other Korean-American friends have said that they dislike the show for that very same reason. It's just too close to home. They're not ready to laugh about it because they are in the thick of it.

Two places you like to go to:

1. Baskin Robbins. Jamoca ice cream. MMmmmmm.

2. Santana Row. Even it's only one street, I love walking down and taking in the scenery. I don't like the prices, though.

Two Favorite Subjects In (High) School:

1. Spanish. I first discovered my competence in learning languages through Spanish class. I loved conjugating verbs.

2. English.

Two Favorite Places to eat:

1. Lee's Sandwiches.

2. Galleria Market. This place holds a special place in my heart. The food here comforted me through many weeks of morning sickness and nausea pain.

Two things you like about yourself (physical):

1. Hair. Easily manageable.

2. Fingernails. Nice and long.

Two things you ate today:

1. Tangerines.

2. Leftover curry from last night.

Two people you last talked to:

1. Danny

2. My mom

Two Things You're doing tomorrow:

1. Driving up to Berkeley to visit Desiree and shop at Hold Everything. The stores in California are all closing down! The last one open is the one in Emeryville, until March 31st.

2. Attending smallgroup.

Letter-Writing

Let's go back to keeping in touch the old-fashioned way: writing letters! I recently wrote a bunch of thank you cards. And in the process of finding the right words to say, and slapping on a stamp to send it to that special someone, I was reminded of my youth. I used to write letters when I was young. I remember sending Karen letters to her Cerritos home from my Cerritos home. Danny asked me how we kept in touch if she moved away from my street at age 6, and we never attended the same school afterwards. I guess I saw her at church on Sundays, but I think the key was letters! We sent each other letters and wrote about the boring details of our suburban lives. So anyways, I'm going to TRY to write some letters this year.

Home stretch. Three more weeks until the DUE DATE. March 21st. Am I ready for the life change? Perhaps. I don't know! We'll see. I got an ultrasound done today, and found out that my baby is approximately 6 pounds. Everything looks normal. I'm just a little petite, that's all. Here I am with my co-worker. She's the Spanish teacher at my school. My students remarked that maybe her boy and my girl will someday get married. Wow! That's three engagements so far.

Is it too much to require our children to play piano until they're sixteen (Danny says eighteen)? I mean, that's BASE level. We're not going to deprive them of any other activity, sport, or hobby (within reason). They just need to manage it alongside piano. I thought this was very reasonable.

But unfortunately, someone who's staying at our place who shall remain nameless, expressed his opinion about this matter and said that it's too much. He apparently had a traumatic experience with piano lessons that involved tension with parents, lying, cheating, stealing, and all things bad. Hm. Did anyone else have a bad experience with piano?

I think both Danny and I had good experiences with learning piano. I mean, I'll speak for myself. Sure, I pretended I was practicing all afternoon when my mom came home from work. I admit it. Sure, I got mad at her when she forced me to practice, sitting by my side and watching my fingers like a hawk to make sure they were properly curved. But somehow I see now the point of the discipline. Discipline is never fun when you are going through it, but you know that there is a purpose to it. Most of the time, you see it in hindsight. That's what makes discipline difficult. You sometimes don't see the point until later. My mom lovingly disciplined me. All those times that were "negative" - I now look back on them fondly. I guess I'm lucky that they weren't as traumatic as other peoples' experiences. And perhaps I had some internal motivation to help keep me going anyways.

I guess the key for us as parents is to foster a love of music in our children, and then have piano lessons as just the normal thing to do as a result of the love. But if the piano lessons have to occur first in order to cultivate the love, I'm all for it, too.

This is my last week of school before I go on maternity leave. It's bittersweet. I love my kids, and I know they love me. So it's hard to leave. And I absolutely love my job. Every single aspect of it. However, I'm excited about this new stage of my life, and I'm eager to start it.

It's amazing the kind of support we're getting from friends with this new baby. It's sad not to have family around to help out, but I'm so thankful that we have an abundance of friends around us to help raise our child.

So I have a dillemma. My mother is coming to help out for a month, and she's been saying all kinds of scary things. For example, it is customary in Korean culture to stay home for about a month after you have your baby. I knew about this, but I took it with a grain of salt. Sure, I'll be resting up, eating my seaweed soup, occasionally running errands, and welcoming close friends as visitors to my home. However, I think my mom means that I LITERALLY have to stay at home for exactly one month. Or else. Or else what???? So I asked her, "So I can't take a walk outside for ten minutes?" And she replied with something like, "It's too cold. You'll be too cold to do that." Then I argued about wearing a thick coat and mittens and scarves and woolen socks, but alas, they landed on deafened ears. Her philosophy is "Don't go outside for a month because it's too cold." I have no idea where this is coming from. I secretly think that she also thinks her idea is ridiculous, but some unknown force from within is causing her to believe this with all her heart.

Anyways, I'm grateful nevertheless to have her up here to help out in the first couple of weeks. As for the whole "being out of commission for one month" thing, just know that I can not live without seeing people for more than two days. It's the extrovert in me. I remember when I got married, some of my friends wanted to "give me some room" and didn't call or email or get in touch with me so that Danny and I can have our "space" as a newlywed couple. I see the well-intentioned thought behind that, but I was ready to hang out with people the day after our honeymoon! So I think it might be the same way with the baby. Granted I will be super tired from getting up in the middle of the night, but isn't that just part of life? Aren't I tired all the time anyways? I gain energy from other people. Again, extrovert.

So what's my point? If you're my friend, please don't pull back "unnecessarily" in contacting me just because I have a baby. Sure, I might be busy sometimes feeding or bathing her, but it's just a different kind of busy-ness.

To close up, what do I know? For all I know, I might never hang out with friends ever again.

Pregnancy at 8 months... uncomfortable! Some symptoms I'm experiencing: back pain, leg cramps, heartburn, overall achiness, shoulder pain, overall feeling of bigness.

What I miss:
-being able to lie on your stomach
-sleeping without being propped up with pillows
-my waistline
-Asahi beer and sushi
-eating spicy food, or any food at that, without fear of heartburn
-control of my bladder
-my favorite pair of jeans

I'm having trouble walking at a normal pace now. My bladder may be full so I can't walk fast less I disturb it, or I'm having a Braxton-Hicks contraction that tightens my whole belly area so I can't stride along at a normal pace, or I get shortness of breath so I need to take careful steps.

Today I forced myself to go to school. I couldn't let down my students. It was Book Report Day. How could I call in sick? So I suffered through the day with a stuffy/runny nose, a constant headache, and a nasty cough. In addition, every time I coughed, I experienced the loss of bladder control that people say happens to pregnant women. So, there you go. Coughing is a curse in my life. I wonder if I could receiver inner healing for this. Like I said before, my mom coughed throughout labor and delivery of me, and postpartum. So maybe there's a connection.

Anyways, I'm going on maternity leave soon. I'm so excited to get some rest, but I'm so sad to leave my class. They're a special bunch. Ask Jibin, my little brother. He knows. He taught my kids the value of creating a budget. He threw out words like "income" and "expense" to a bunch of 8-year-olds, and they seemed to get it. The concept of money - having plenty of it and spending it - is something that the kids in my school understand. Today, the word "mortgage" came up during one of my student's book reports. She seemed to know what that meant. I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS! ha.

Anyways, I hope I feel better. I would like to breathe properly sometime soon. And I would like to regain control of my bladder. Thanks!

It was my birthday today! I turned 28. When I was born, my mother was alone in the hospital, without proper blankets to keep her warm, and without proper medication to shield her from the pain. I think she was also sick, too. Coughed a lot. That's why my mom says that I have such a nasty cough whenever I get sick. Because she too was sick and coughing when I was born. When I was finally born, and my dad found out over the phone that it was a girl, he rejoiced. In fact, I think he partied it up a little. While my mom was still in the hospital. This may seem like a sad story, but I like it because in the end, everyone was healthy, and I just like that someone rejoiced when I entered into the world. Without even knowing me, my dad loved me. I think subconsciously, it enabled me to go through life with strength and confidence.

We're thinking of naming our child Abigail. In Hebrew it means "father rejoices" or "father's joy". I like it because I know what it was like for my father to rejoice over me. And I know that Abby will definitely be her father's joy. Plus, I'm sure it can have a spiritual meaning, where our Father in heaven rejoices over His children. So yeah, I'm really diggin the name. I'm 98% sure our daughter's name is Abby. The search for a Korean name continues, though.