Why do I keep making the same mistakes over and over again? I need to know how to prevent doing that.

Among some of things...
-arriving late
-forgetting about meetings
-losing things
-misplacing things

Why am I so hard on myself when I make a mistake? Do I think that I deserve to go through a self-flogging type of behavior? Do I not want to receive grace from others or God? What is it?

Mondays are so hard. I had a heck of a time trying to wake up this morning. So cold, and don't want to leave the comfy comforters. I can't wait for spring and summer.

I know I know. There's a blizzard in New York with tremendous wind chill, there are homeless people without so much as a fire to warm their fingers, and the list goes on. What am I wailing about.

But dude, let me say it. It is Freaking Cold. I just want it to be warm again. I don't want to be sick anymore. No more coughing. When will Persephone be returned to Demeter?

Did I mention that I have an anger problem? Yeah, I do. It lay dormant for ten years, and then reared its ugly head when I got married. Poor Danny. Little did he know what he was getting into. I've said this before, but it's just that my default emotion is anger. Due to some childhood happenings, I became angry about certain things, and I just dealt with other problems that came up with anger.

It took me a while to figure out that you can have other emotions to match certain situations. So my last post had ways to annoy me. About two years ago, all those things would have made me ANGRY. Like, if you used "racism" incorrectly, I would get angry at you. Maybe not in the open, but inwardly seething. :) In the past couple of years, I have learned to add the emotion of annoyance to my bag of emotions (No, it's not because I'm married to Danny that I suddenly know the emotion of annoyance. It's not like that!). I see this as a step forward.

I heard about the emotion of "exasperated." Perhaps I'll learn this one when I have kids?

7 Ways to Annoy Me

7. Use the word "racism" incorrectly.

6. Say you're going to do something, and then flake. (Tardiness doesn't annoy me nor cancelling because of a good reason nor saying no from the get-go, but flakiness is a BIG annoyer.)

5. Talk about why you hate "Friends."

4. Sing the wrong harmony, but think that it's right. (Singing the wrong lyrics, however, does not annoy me. :) )

3. Talk about politics over dinner.

2. Ask me how come I never became a principal or a teacher of older kids who teaches "harder" subjects. Basically, people who have no idea what elementary teachers go through, and just dismiss the job as some lower class job, annoy me.

1. Rivalries. School rivalry annoys me. NoCal/SoCal rivalry annoys me. Why can't people just get along?

I LOVE watching Lost and Alias. So many surprising things happen on those two shows, and I literally sit there with my mouth hanging open.

There are two kinds of people at the faculty lunch table: TV-person and the Non-TV-person. When I'm sitting next to a TV-person, our conversations tend to get more lively and animated. With the Non-TV-person, it's a little bit more reserved. I can't get as excited about the weather as I can about the surprising shock between Boone and Shannon from last night's episode of Lost. Oops, sorry if I spoiled it for someone.

This is my favorite picture from our trip to Houston. Ellie is such a happy baby. And she's sitting in her great grandmother's lap. Three different generations. That's very special.

Eight Things I Want to do Before I Die

8. Learn to speak 10 languages.
7. Visit most of Europe, Asia, and South America.
6. Write a children's book with Asian American themes.
5. Learn how to do a back handspring.
4. Go on a long-term missionary trip.
3. Appear in a movie or TV show as the lead actress.
2. Raise at least three kids.
1. Play with my grandchildren.

Nine Ways To Win My Heart

9. Accepting my weirdness and quirkiness by taking them in stride during social interactions. Usually boring people can't handle my eccentric behavior, and so I have to restrain myself sometimes.

8. Some of you who know me know that I have a lot of gas. It's just a part of my immune system. Someone who says, "I think it smells sweet" is definitely worthy of my heart.

7. Quirkiness. I find normalcy boring to tears. Quirkiness adds spice to life, makes life colorful and fun. It's very important to me.

6. Someone who writes me a poem or a song.

5. Someone who tells me I'm the most beautiful woman in the world. And be completely serious.

4. Someone who knows exactly what I'm thinking and feeling without me ever saying anything.

3. Strong principles. A man who lives out his principles is very attractive. On the other hand, a principled man is also usually very stubborn.

2. Nerdiness. OK, not like totally and completely nerdy to the point of tears, but not cool and slick. Intelligence is a no-brainer, but my guy can't be cooler than me. I'm slightly nerdy, so he would have to be nerdier than me.

1. Sappiness. Able to be genuine in feeling, and not prone to complete sarcasm or hard-core cynicism or extreme pessimism.

I think of Danny as someone who won my heart, and is still winning my heart. Kind of like salvation. You're saved once and you are continuously being saved, working out your salvation with fear and trembling. So, Danny has won my heart once and for all, and he is continuing to win my heart on a daily basis.

10 Random Things About Me

10. I have a serious gas problem. Only a chosen few have suffered the wrath of it.

9. I was on a "nationally televised" game show called "Kidquiz" when I was in the sixth grade. I was the team captain.

8. I had a wart removed by laser from my left index finger.

7. I was pressured to like someone on New Kids on the Block, so I picked Danny.

6. I love striking up conversations in Chinese with people.

5. I have a slightly upturned nose and huge nostrils that I try to hide by smiling wide and tilting my face downward a little.

4. My brothers used to say that "the universe has only one black hole, but Jieun has two!" (referring to #5)

3. I put my right contact in first, always. I take out my left contact first, always.

2. When I hear an interesting word or phrase, I count out the syllables with my fingers and re-count them again and again, trying out different patterns with my fingers.

1. I listen to K-Love every day, on the way to work and on the way back.

It's insane how many times a week Danny views the short video footage of Ellie, our niece. And if you've been over at our home this past month, at some point you probably have seen the clip, ...twice. We took our XBox ("mod-ed", so basically our whole entertainment system) with us down to LA this past weekend, so my MOM saw Ellie too! Actually, it's cute. I think it's cute that Danny thinks Ellie is cute. Meeting her has profoundly affected Danny's innermost being. I'm sure he'll be a great uncle. And an even greater father one day.

Thanksgiving dinner was happenin' at the Park household. My mom and I cooked all day. She did most of the prep work for the turkey and a lot of cleaning. I just messed up the kitchen and cooked up a storm. It was nice.

I had some time to spend with my dad going last-minute shopping. I got to teach my mom the difference between "green beans" and "grean peas," because apparently the word for "bean" in Korean refers to the actual bean or pea inside the pod or stalk. So when I asked her to get grean beans for the casserole I was going to make, the picture on the green beans can confused her because they were green stalks. So, she got the cans of green peas, which had a picture of things that actually looked like beans to her. Anyways, after a long debate/discussion, and after recovering from my disappointment that everything wasn't perfect, I made a green pea casserole!

I helped my mom join Curves. I hung out with my brothers, which means either watching TV together or watching them play video games. The XBox was a hit with my brothers. Danny scored one point!

AND, before we began eating dinner, we all went around and shared a couple of things we're thankful for. How traditional and cheesy. And no one laughed. No one was sarcastic, although, one of my brothers tried to be, but I think the presence of my mother kept him on track. It was definitely memorable.

The Park family's first Thanksgiving feast. History in the making. My mom is usually out of the country during Thanksgiving time, but this year, I convinced her to come back to the USA during Thanksgiving so that we can cook together.

SO, Danny and I, my two brother, my parents, and my aunt will join forces and have dinner at the Buena Park home. We're having turkey, mashed potatoes, various side dishes (including one Korean side dish, jap chae), and dessert. I'm scared about the turkey. I'm using a recipe from allrecipes.com. If anyone has any tips for turkey roasting, please feel free to give them to me.

Some questions I have are: can I use chicken stock for the bottom of the roasting pan, instead of turkey stock? Do I have to have liquid on the bottom or not? Should I stuff the turkey with anything? Can I just not? I think everything else is pretty much taken care of. We'll see how Thanksgiving turns out this year.

I've been reading all about Desiree's adventures in New York City, and Penny's great enthusiasm about this place New York City. And I'm wondering, hm... what's the appeal? I've read all the highlights, and I live vicariously through the many wonderful descriptions. But what is it about New York that makes them and others talk about living in New York as such a separate dimension with mythical qualities?

Why can't I talk about Sunnyvale with this kind of passion? Highlights of living in Sunnyvale:

-all the stores closing at 8:00pm
-a Macy's department store located in a mall that is much more like a ghost town
-hardly any people walking around, ever
-everyone protected in their safe haven of a car, not having to interact with people if they don't want

It's just not a happenin' place, I'm realizing. Suburban life is way boring, compared to the glitz and glamour of city life. But here's the other realization. I love BORING. I love suburban life. It's what I know, and it's where I am, and it's probably where I'll be, if I had a choice in the matter. I don't think I would fare well in city life. My homebodiness would seem grossly disparate from the surrounding festivities, and would probably put a damp on all fun-lovers around me.

I think I'm being influenced by the recent book I'm reading: Tess of the D'urbervilles. Except Tess was a rural person who was afraid of town life and townspeople.

All this aside, I do want to visit New York City again. Big apple, hustle bustle, and all. I do have credit from Jetblue, from a trip I was supposed to take earlier this year.

Zits run in my family. It's more from the Yoon blood than the Park blood. There's no cure for acne, really. You can just treat it for the rest of your life. How sad. I went to the dermotologist for the first time in my life. After fourteen years of using topical creams such as Clearasil (which my mom still faithfully uses), I decided it's time to get some professional treatment.

Don't get me wrong. My acne is not that bad. I was lucky compared to my two brothers, who had to deal with a lot, and my mother, who went through depression in college as a result of bad acne. Me, I just go through sprinkles of white and blackheads all over my forehead and chin. And then periodically, a couple of deep, nasty, big ones will appear strategically and conveniently on very important days, such as weddings (including mine), and school picture days, to name a couple.

So anyways, I got some medicine that's supposed to clear up my skin. Check me out three months later.

"Mrs. Chai, do you know who my hero is?"

"Is it your mom?"

"Well, yes, one of them."

"How about your dad?"

"Uh-huh."

"And of course your sister!"

"Yes, and also there's one more."

"Who?"

"You."

Sniff. mmmmMMMMMMmmMMMmMMMMMMmmmMMMeeeeeeeeeEEEEEeeeeEEeeEE?

I'm ready for my day off on Thursday.

It was a perfectly normal Monday morning. We had just finished painting our Eygyptian tombs and were settling down for the day's Math lesson. Each table group was supposed to estimate the value of the base ten blocks that were placed on each table. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, a student from table 4 starts to vomit. All over her Math sheet and base ten blocks. The student is as shocked as the rest of the class. She stands up and vomits on the floor. Then I rush her over to the trashcan to finish off the vomit.

Needless to say, my week didn't start off fine and dandy. I got paint all over my BR pants, I had to evacuate the room for fear of having all other sixteen kids throwing up from the vomit, and therefore did not get to finish my base ten blocks Math lesson, and now my room smells like vomit. I get a whiff of it every now and then. Fabulous.

Yesterday a student of mine, Chris, says to me, "Mrs. Chai, I think you should get all your work done right away after school, and then go straight home! Then you should take a nap, get up just to eat dinner, and then go back to sleep again. Get plenty of rest before coming to school again. " Boy, I must have looked so tired and sick for him to say that. Also, how SWEET! This is why I love my job. I have interactions like this every day. Pure, caring, innocent children who want to be peacemakers in this world.

I really love Ellie, my niece! We're not blood-related, but I felt a tug in my heart for her, the kind that makes you feel all at once in love with someone and all at once afraid to lose the person. Then I thought, my goodness! How much more does Christine feel that for her own daughter?? Then I took it a step further and thought, how much more does our heavenly Father love His children?

I'm here sitting at home because I'm sick. :( And my husband is coming home late tonight so I need to fend for myself. Wah. I hate being sick. I thought I was going to avoid the sickness thing this fall. I was so vigilant (new word I learned this year) about washing my hands, and putting anti-bacterial stuff on whenever I handled children. But alas. My sore throat is now egging on my chronic bronchial cough. Wah. Hopefully I can go to school tomorrow, but we'll see.

I hate missing school! Today was Book Report Day, and I feel like I let my kids down. They worked so hard to prepare their presentations, and I'm not even there to grade them. Also, it was Picture Day. Teachers get to take individual pictures for free! Last year, I got my free 5 by 7 photo and didn't know what to do with it, so I put it in one of our wedding photo frames (since I didn't really have a favorable picture from my wedding to put in it).

Anyways, I had to wake up at 5:30am this morning to call a sub, and then spent about 30-45 min. typing up a sub plan and sending it to the sub. Then I slept until noon. I decided to catch up on peoples' thoughts pages, and then decided to write one myself.

Growing up, I pretty much never went to the doctor or dentist. I only remember going once to the doctor to get a required shot. I don't remember ever going from fifth grade on. As for the dentist, I went regularly until sixth grade, when I got my braces. Then I don't remember ever going until I became an adult, which was about a decade later and I discovered I had fourteen cavities. I think my mom thought the orthodontist was the same thing as the dentist.

Our family was never one of those doctor-ish/scientific families. My mother was always into the latest Korean health fads that made no sense whatsoever. My dad was the same way. In fact, he would bring strange products home and say we should use them because it was "healthy." No further explanation. Once we had this product, a small plastic thing, that you were supposed to throw into the laundry, instead of laundry detergent. What the?? No powder, no liquid, no nothing. Just plastic, exuding some kind of magnetic force. And the stranger thing was, my mom TRIED it!

When I went off to college, my dad gave me a pillow to try out because it was "healthy." It was covered in some kind of gold foil material. Being a good, obedient daughter, I said OK. Even ask my freshman roommate Sabrina about my gold pillow. It was so uncomfortable!!! We had great laughs about it. It matched Sabrina's dress once for the Viennese Ball, so we took a picture of her holding it. I should see if I still have it!

Anyways, needless to say, I got sick often my freshman year.

I'm not sure if it was the gold pillow, or just the lack of knowing how to take care of myself. I never went to the doctor's, so I didn't know how to make an appointment for myself. I never really ate proper medicine, so I didn't know how to buy it for myself.

Today I'm a different person. I now know to go visit the doctor every year, and the dentist every twice a year. When the doctor prescribes something, I'm supposed to finish the whole prescription. When I have a cough, I should buy some cough drops or some kind of cough suppressant to help it die down. When I'm allergied, I should take an anti-histamine of some sort. Didn't know that til college. I watched my mom suffer from allergies my whole life, and I don't think she knew about Sudafed or Claritin. Sad.

I wonder how my brothers are doing in terms of health and teeth.

What is it about "Everybody Loves Raymond" that's so hilarious? There are moments where the actors have to pause for like 10 seconds to wait for the laughter to die down. I laugh out loud. The relationship between a husband and wife, and how it progresses over the years, is one of the main themes of the show. It's overly exaggerated, to the point of being comical. Yet, I can relate so well to the problems that come up between Ray and his wife.

OK. I can't keep a secret. I joined Curves. I was going to keep it all secret, go work out in stealth for a couple of months, trick everyone into thinking that I'm some sloth, and then say aha! I am buff. Tomorrow is my first time working out at the facility. I'm pretty nervous because I don't think I can hack it. But Curves has a lot of ways to motivate women like me. They have Curve Bucks, and if you earn them, you can buy merchandise with them. The way you earn is to be spirited and wear clothing related to the theme of the week, and if you attend regularly. EXTRINSIC MOTIVATION. Gotta love it. The guy who thought of Curves is a genius. And a great entrepreneur. Let's see if this will be the thing that will get me off of my butt. Have you thought of joining a Curves near you?