Buggin'

So, like, I'm totally buggin'! This is a line from one of my favorite movies: Clueless. "Buggin'" means "stressed out," for those of you who don't know the lingo.

I admit it. I'm a stressed out person. Most people see the calm, collected, "Capricorn" Jieun. And it's not that I fake people out; it's just that the stress is all inside. I expect Danny to match how I'm feeling. When I'm excited about something, I need him to be as excited.

WHAT!? You found out your customer's Mary Kay foundation color is Beige 304? That's with a pink undertone, right? WOWZERS!

When I feel stressed, I need him to feel stressed as well. But it seems that my husband doesn't stress out in exactly the same way that I do in exactly the same situations. For example, when we need to get ready to go out, say to church on Sunday morning, I feel stressed. I need to pack the baby's bag with snack, lunch, diapers, a change of clothing, a favorite toy, water, and milk. I need to change, put my makeup on, and pack my own stuff. Abby needs to get fed, read to, loved, and sometimes bribed into getting into the carseat. I start by brushing my teeth, reading to Abby, packing a healthy snack, and then I look at the clock. It's 9:00am. Oh, I think. Plenty of time since we don't have to get to church until 10:10am. That's like one hour. Plenty of time!! WRONG.

Fifteen minutes later, Abby is only diaper-clad but well-fed, I'm still in my pajamas, and I'm starting to get into panic mode because I realize that if we need to get to church by 10:10am, then we have to get out of the driveway by 9:50am. That means leave the house by 9:40am. That means have everything packed and ready to go by 9:30. And it's already 9:15!! Fifteen minutes. During these next fifteen minutes, craziness ensues in my head. I'm running around frantically trying to put my contacts in so that I can start putting my makeup on, pulling a dress over Abby, who is screaming in protest, and praying that I don't forget to pack the milk.

Enter Danny. He takes literally 2 minutes to get ready, on a non-shower morning. On a shower day, it's 3 minutes. Puts on his uniform: jeans and a t-shirt, brushes his teeth, and slaps on some water on his face. I'm ready, he proclaims. Gr. He sees that I need help with Abby so he asks, what can I do? I give him two tasks: get the milk ready and make sure Abby has a change of clothing.

He goes off on his mission. I'm still freaking out, thinking why are we always late?? We have to show up early to help out at church, and everyone's going to be mad that we're late, AGAIN. And as I'm applying my mascara, I hear faint noises coming from the living room. I open our bedroom door.... it's the piano! Danny is playing Invention No. 8 by Bach - a lively and catchy tune. But I'm standing there in disbelief. Why is he playing the piano at a time like this!!! We have two minutes until we're officially on our way to being late for church. So I march out there and demand to know if he's accomplished his tasks. He has. Oh. OK then.

He just doesn't feel the stress of getting to places on time. I feel it ever so acutely, and yet I feel so powerless to change the situation. Danny just gets ready faster than I do. He helps out with what he can with Abby's stuff. Then he's done. Nuff said. Done deal. GGeut. But I spend so much time stressing out that maybe that's the reason why I'm late all the time. Plus, I procrastinate and I'm lazy sometimes. I want to be able to get to the point where I just get ready without all the stress, and then have a couple minutes left over to play a round of Invention No. 8. Teach me, O wise one.

Lasagna

I made lasagna for the second time in my life. I used already-cooked lasagna strips. Very interesting! It was a huge time-saver. And, one lasagna dish can last you FOREVER! It's like my curry rice dish that lasts for two weeks in the Chai household. I'm definitely adding lasagna to my cooking rotation. Thanks Melissa for the ingredients advice!!

GUYS ONLY

Here is a picture of Danny and some of his buds from college. Henry, Danny, and John all have one toddler (plus John has an infant who is not pictured).

BTW: I love how Abby is reaching out to me, the picture taker. "Mah-mee!"

I was honored to be invited to this year's "road trip" that was GUYS ONLY for many years. I kind of felt personally responsible for making sure that people who traveled a great distance felt that their money was well-spent. Since Danny and I only had to drive to Santa Cruz, it just made sense for us to take care of local business.

But I had a huge dilemma. Since it was GUYS ONLY for such a long time, I'm not sure if they knew what a trip with GIRLS and KIDS would be like. As the weekend approached, I felt stress coming on. Who was planning the meals? What entertainment would be provided for the little tots? Was there a DVD player available? Does the beach house have cooking utensils? Does little Mary speak English? What CAN Nathaniel eat? Is it cold in Santa Cruz? Are we going to spend some time at the beach playing or just looking at the waves? Are the Yoons coming? Where is Andrew? Will Abby fight with Nathaniel? Will this be madness or happiness?

Part of it is being a mom and making sure I prepare for plan A through plan E, for the sake of my child. Another part of it is my people-pleasing personality. Still another part was the fact that I felt like we should be the "hosts," since it was in the Bay Area.

I decided to ask Danny what we should do in preparation for this trip. He just stared blankly at his computer screen and said, "I don't know. Um, I think we'll hang out at the beach." Hm... what does that mean? Should I pack all the beach necessities? Beach toys? Umbrella and towels? Sunblock! Hats, water shoes, etc.

Then I had a brilliant idea! I should call Henry! He seemed to be the top planner/organizer of the group, and will surely have an answer for me. "Henry, what should we do about breakfast on Friday, and meals in general?" His answer for me was: "We don't plan."

Hm... what does that mean? Does that mean therefore I shouldn't plan? That if I DO plan I will not be invited to any other road trips? But how can I NOT plan? This trip potentially involves FOUR babies, THREE women, and FIVE men. We'll be staying in a house in a neighborhood unbeknownst to any of us. Who knows what we will face? As a woman, "Be prepared" is my heart's natural motto. You don't even have to remind me to be prepared, I just do it instinctively.

So my dilemma was: Shall I go with the mantra of "we don't plan" and then watch four babies die, three women cringe, and five men thrive? Or shall I take matters into my own hand and do what I can so that four babies thrive, three women thrive, and five men thrive?

Needless to say, I planned for this trip. Not completely, but I did what I could to ease my stress, anxiety, and make sure that needless chaos doesn't happen. Normal, controlled chaos is fine with me, but why add needless chaos? I just hope Henry wasn't mad that "we don't plan" method was sabotaged. My number one priority was to make sure the kiddies would be fed and entertained. I shopped at Costco and Safeway for some essential breakfast food and toddler food. As for entertainment, I brought books, basket of toys, soft surface for kids to roll around on, alphabet mat, and the rest of the time, pretty much Uncle Dave took care of all the entertainment!

Anyways, I had a great time! Even though the only real time I can relax is when Abby is sleeping, I still had a generally relaxing and fun this this past weekend. My favorite part was when I walked in on the guys having a prayer meeting where they shared about what was going on in their lives and then prayed for each other. I didn't hear anything (because I forgot my glasses and one of my eye was swollen shut from a bug bite, and I really can't hear when I can't see), but it just warmed my heart to think that these guys really care about each other. I'm glad my husband has great friends like them that will surely last a lifetime.

Abby Speaks

The following is a list of some of the vocabulary words that Abby says nowadays. Now, at first glance, the novice might say "Come on! Puh-lease! That's not saying real words. They all sound alike! How can you tell what she's saying?" Well, that's when I have to step in and say, "It's all about context."

boo-boo: any kind of minor scratch
boo-buh: blueberries
bubba: bubbles
bah: book
buh: bird
baa: the sound of a sheep
ba!: ball
baa!: balloon
buppa: por favor, which means "please" in Spanish


She'll point to her bandaid and say "boo-boo" and "aya" to let me know that she got hurt and it's quite painful. She'll point to blueberries and say "boo-buh," and I promptly ask, "What do you say?" To which she replies with "buppa," accompanied by the sign for "thank you."

It's really fun watching Abby develop her language/communication skills. That's the part I love about parenthood so far. I'm in charge of educating her, shaping her, and influencing her in all different ways. I have the power to make sure she turns out polite. I have the power to influence her thinking about God and other people. I need to teach her the right ways. With great power comes great responsibility. Very true! I could be very irresponsible and teach her the "wrong ways." For example, I could say to her that she's supposed to pick her nose every time she meets someone. And she'll do it. But then I will have ruined her whole entire social life, possibly affecting her chances of getting married, and she'll be very mad at me.

Perhaps that was an outrageous example. But does the reader get my point? With great power comes great responsibility. I am in awe of that every single day.

Abby is Walking!

Two days ago, Abby started taking three steps on her own. Before it had been steps with aid from people and props. But she took three wobbly steps before collapsing delightfully into my arms. Then yesterday she took 5-7 steps. She would stand up, beaming with delicious pride, and then take a couple of tentative steps, followed by some quick ones at the end.

Overall, I feel great about her gaining independence. It's so amazing how the physical separation is so apparent, from birth to weaning from nursing to walking away on her own. My little girl is growing up, and I'm excited to see it!

She signs "please" like crazy. It's her universal sign for anything that she wants. Sometimes she'll wail loudly for something that she wants, such as to be held so that she could reach the blinds. I look at her and say, "Say please, Mommy." Then she immediately stops and starts rubbing her chest furiously in a circular motion with her palm, smiling broadly. It's like a game to her. I like how I don't have to listen to her wail, but it has become ridiculous. She sits there and signs "please" from across the room. And I don't even notice until a couple minutes later. She doesn't get that you're supposed to sign things once you've made eye contact. In fact, she frequently waves to people to mean hello when they're not looking.

Poor Abby! I totally understand this behavior. I do this all the time. I often say things to people at the wrong moment, and I'm left hanging. I try to enter conversations from across the room, and end up commenting to myself.

The Quest to Sleep Earlier

Lately Danny and I have been trying really hard to go to sleep early. Danny starts off the evening saying, "We're going to be in bed by 9:30pm." And I try really hard to believe that that's going to be true. But it never is true. I wonder why Danny is so extreme sometimes. We're used to sleeping at midnight, on average. If that's the case, why choose 9:30pm as a goal? Why not 11:30pm? I think I've suggested it before, but he'll insist, "I'm exhausted. I need to sleep. We're going to bed at 9:30pm."

But I'll be supportive. 9:30pm it is. That's our goal. To be in bed by 9:30pm. Tonight, it was a little off. I'm writing this at 11:56pm. There's always tomorrow.

A Moment in the Frozen Food Aisle II

I realized that I never talked about my "moment" in the frozen food aisle in my last post! So here it goes...

I went to the Korean grocery store to buy some groceries. I had just picked up Abby from daycare and I hadn't seen her all day. So we spent time reconnecting while she rode happily in the shopping cart. I went over all the tricks she knows, reviewed all the body parts she knows (her favorite is still belly button), and even sang some songs to her, while grabbing some green onion here and soft tofu there.

When we got to the frozen food aisle, she suddenly reached out her arms to me. At first I thought she was done riding in the cart and wanted to "go down." However, as I drew close, she wrapped her little arms around me as much as she could, and lay down her head on my stomach. She just wanted to give me a hug! So, I hugged her back, and then she promptly started patting her hand on my back because that's how we always comfort her: pat pat pat. As she pat pat patted me, we had our "moment." Right there in the frozen food aisle, next to the meat and kimchee dumplings.

A Moment in the Frozen Food Aisle

I went shopping for a total of four hours today! My purchases: Stride Rite shoes for Abby, Shiseido compact, Shiseido shimmering lipstick, Shiseido blemish concealer, gift for Abby's friend's birthday, two pajamas for Abby, khaki blazer for me, a make-up/toiletry bag, dulce de leche latte, a petite vanilla scone, jacket for Abby, robe for Abby plus slippers, sippy cups for Abby, reclining chair for the floor, and pink leggings for Abby.

A true shopping spree!

Those of you who know me know that I take FOREVER purchasing an item. I have to research it, look at it up close, weigh all the pros and cons, and then do the "love test," which is to leave it behind for said number of hours/days, and then finally buy it.

Today, I put Abby in daycare, and decided it was time to go to the mall and buy something. Over the past one and a half years I've collected gift cards, always tentative about using them because I needed to make the perfect purchase. Having so many gift cards in my purse was driving me crazy! So I had to take action. And I took it.

Out of all the items I bought today, I spent a total of $36 out-of-pocket. Everything else was through gift cards and/or exchange. This is totally unheard of. The make up and blazer alone would total about $200! Wow. Thank you to all who have given me a gift card in previous years to Nordstrom, Gymboree, GAP, Starbucks, Target, Sephora, American Express Giftcard, and Macy's. I've used up everything except for the Gymboree giftcard and the Starbucks giftcard. Whew.

I had a lot of fun! I took my time. I compared prices. I returned items and adjusted prices so that I could get the maximum out of all my purchases.

Painful Year

I guess I haven't written in a while. I meant to write in the new year, but I got too busy, and then after a while, it gets harder and harder to start writing again.

I have done some reflecting on this past year and a half. I would say that 2006 (and part of 2005) was the hardest year of my life.

1. Morning Sickness
Just thinking about that time when I was doubled over, staring into the toilet... it amazes me that women who go through bad morning sickness can do it all over again. I remember I was holding onto a single thread of hope that somehow this sickness was going to turn into a beautiful human being. It was 3-4 months of nausea, throwing up, and general ickiness. Chris Tomlin's "Indescribable" was a song that I kept listening to over and over, to somehow convince myself that the God who made the "stars in the sky" and who "know(s) me by name" already had a plan for all this. Even as I was in the emergency room with an IV to rehydrate my body, I somehow believed that things would work out. I took a spiritual gifts inventory recently, and faith was up there as one of my gifts. It probably came in handy during this time.

2. Labor/Delivery
When labor finally came, it was everything that women told me it would be, except with bite! It was just one of those things that you actually had to go through in order to truly understand what it was. I still can't fully explain how a contraction feels. But it's just painful. But I will say this. For me, I knew with certainty that labor wouldn't last for more than three days. My whole labor/delivery ordeal lasted about 30 hours. I was a trooper, if I do say so myself. It was painful, but I took the pain, and then it was over.

3. Postpartum/Nursing
I think this is the part that a lot of women don't talk about as much. Everyone knows to be scared of morning sickness and labor/delivery. But not everyone knows that postpartum and nursing should be things to be scared of the most. I couldn't decide which was worse, 16 weeks of postpartum stuff/nursing or 16 weeks of morning sickness. I think I recently decided that postpartum/nursing was more painful.

The reasons are many:

1) Trying to go pee or poo after birth was a screaming kind of pain.

2) Pressure of nursing (societal) and getting it right (blisters, bleeding, engorgement, chafing, clogged ducts, etc.) was so not fun.

3) Emotionally, I was so down in the dumps, and very volatile

4) Sleep deprivation (whereas during morning sickness days I was able to just think about myself, during postpartum I had to think of my baby as well)

5) People not knowing that postpartum is so difficult, whereas with morning sickness when you tell people that you're sick, they might know what that feels like. I couldn't really explain to people who asked how I was doing that I actually was not feeling that great.

"My nipples are bleeding at this time."
"I just went pee and now I think I'm burning to death."

I think people expected that mothers may be a bit sleep-deprived, but I think for me, there was so much going on emotionally and mentally, on top of what was happening physically. This takes me into the next topic.

4. Relationships
My relationships suffered this past year.

a. Mother - On top of everything I was going through physically, emotionally, and mentally, here was my sweet mother trying to help me out the best way she knew how. Her knowledge base was all things Korean, and I just wasn't ready to receive all things Korean. We got into a lot of fights, and a lot of tears were shed.

b. Friends - I got into a lot of misunderstandings with friends. Some were mended, and some were not. My life was in major transition, and for sure things were going to change. I was not prepared sufficiently for the change that would happen with friends. I'm still grieving the loss of some friends. But one thing I realized is that I can not, and WILL not hold onto any bitterness. I know what bitterness does to a person. I've seen what it does to a person. And I refuse to let Satan have a foothold in my life. So when a friend is gone from my life, for whatever reason, I just make sure that I don't hold any grudge or bitterness.

c. Danny - I'm sure Danny was going through his own kind of transition into fatherhood. I think I didn't fully realize what that would look like. I was hyper-focused on myself. I'm sick. I'm tired. I'm this and that. I just expected him to be there for me fully. And he disappointed me. We went through our greatest ups and greatest downs this past year. It was very painful. It just shook my world (and my ego) to think that we need a lot of help as a couple.

6. Motherhood
For the first 5 months, I was stressed out. I was stressed when Abby started crying. I was stressed about swaddling her just right. I was stressed about finding daycare for Abby when I went back to work outside the home. I was stressed about her sleep schedule. I was stressed about breaking her fragile body. I thought about all the possible horrible things that could happen to her. I really had to turn to God for help on this one. I'm still learning how to treat Abby as a gift from God. Everything I do for her, I need to do it excellently, but then entrust the rest to God. That's the skill of mothering that I'm continually trying to hone.

Gosh, if you've read this far, then I applaud you. I just wanted to write down my reflections before I forget.

Crazy Food

Tonight I had leftover rice and some random Korean side dishes for dinner, while feeding Abby her dinner of Earth's Best peas with brown rice and a big cube of soft tofu, the kind you would use to make soondooboo. Then, after putting her to sleep, I boiled some water and ate some Shin Ramen in a cup. Wow, that was great! It hit the spot on a cold wintry-like day. While watching "Overboard" and folding laundry, I suddenly wanted Rice Krispies treats, but realized that we didn't have any marshmallows. SO, what did I do? I got a bowl of Rice Krispies, a giant scoop of crunchy peanut butter, and some mini Hershey's bars from our leftover Halloween candy stash, and had a grand ol' time. It was yummy delicious. But now I feel totally bloated, my teeth feel sugary, and I'm tired because it is now way past midnight.

I need guidance and direction in my life.

Baby Hair

Interestingly enough, this post is about the baby hair that is growing on my head! Not my baby's hair, or lack thereof, actually.

With nursing comes all kinds of strange and wonderful experiences. For the first six months, my hair fell out like crazy. I don't know the physics of it all, but there was just one too many hair falling out. I would run my hand through my hair, and out came a handful of hair. I would blow dry my hair after a shower, and it would blow a handful of hair out. It was not pleasant. I would lean over in Abby's crib, and all of a sudden, flutter flutter flutter. There goes three strands of hair, now landing all over Abby. But around seven months, something even more weird started happening. New hair started growing on my head! Right alongside my hairline, all these little baby hairs are sticking out. Other friends who are in similar situations are experiencing the same thing. I haven't had baby hair since third grade.

Danny thinks it's cool. I guess I should be thankful that my hairline is increasing, and not the opposite. It's not like fathers get a fresh new batch of hair to replace their missing strands. Hey, but no complaints, right, men? A small bonus for mothers, who do all the hard work with the nursing.

OLD NAVY

I have found it! There's now an Old Navy right next to Nordstroms at Valley Fair Mall. For the longest time I was saying that there should be a variety of colors for girl babies' clothing, such as black and gray. And boy was I pleasantly surprised to find that Old Navy has that! Solid colors galore! I love it. Now Abby and I can match: long sleeved black shirt and jeans. I didn't actually buy any of the black and gray yet - I'm still waiting for Abby's hair to get a little longer so that I can put a clip in her hair. And she has plenty of clothes for now, thanks to Ellie and her two grandmothers. But once I start being the main shopper of clothes for Abby, I think Old Navy is the place to be. Plus, the clothes are cheap!

An Update

I started working a couple days a week. It's been crazy hectic for me. For one, it's been a shock to my system to wake up at 5:45am or earlier, depending on when the baby decides to wake up. And, I can't afford to wake up late anymore. Even though I really love and trust the daycare that we chose, there's a little part of me that stays guilty for leaving her.

On the other hand, it forces me to be a super responsible, focused, and productive teacher. I have to leave school no later than 4:30pm in order to pick up Abby. Before, I had the freedom to leave whenever I wanted to. Now, every minute counts. I don't have time to dilly dally. No time to check my personal email. I have to set aside time to go and pump. This is important because it's the main source of nourishment for my child!

In addition, since I am job-sharing, it is essential that I keep track of everything that happens in the classroom because I need to tell my partner about it. As a teacher, I have never been so organized and so accountable to another person for my actions and decisions. Teaching is usually a solo effort. Sure you can plan with other teachers, but in the end the one teacher is in charge of what happens in the classroom. Sharing a teaching position has forced me to reflect on my lessons, and write down all of my student observations.

So I feel like I'm a better teacher. And I also feel like I'm a better mother because the time that I do get to spend with Abby, I'm totally attentive. If my part-time job were something I mildly enjoyed, I don't think it would be worth it to work outside the home. But because I love to teach, this job-share situation is ideal for me.

OK, so it's only been two weeks. Talk to me around December and see how I feel!!!

Narcissism and Abby Food

I think it's hilarious that both Danny and I think that our own blogs are hilarious. I sometimes sit here and read one of my old entries, and I say out loud, "Haha! Good one!" Or I'll just sit here thinking, "Wow, how witty of me to have written that." Danny would see the big smile on my face, and ask, "What's so funny? Are you reading one of your old entries again?" Danny, being the master programmer that he is, has now built a new feature on his page whereby if you click on it, you get a random entry he'd written, along with all the comments posted from people. This "Random Entry" link is basically the same thing I do, except it's more nerdy. We just have a blast thinking we're all that.

Anyways, on to Abby. She has started solid foods!!! So according to the books, you're supposed to introduce one food at a time so that you can figure out if your baby is allergic to that particular food. I started out with rice cereal. Everything seemed fine, except that she had major constipation. Poor little grunting girl! Apparently, a teaspoon of prune juice diluted in milk should do the trick. We'll see... Tomorrow she will taste avocado. As I was pureeing the avocado to a nice smooth consistency, I had a thought that horrified me. This avocado is not organic!!! Oh well. Just don't tell my mother-in-law.

Then I wondered what kind of a mother I was going to be, in terms of providing food. This book that I'm reading, Super Baby Food, is sometimes over-the-top, according to Lorraine, and I'm seeing why. For example, it recommends growing your own food. It's one thing to make your own baby food, but to grow your own raw ingredients?? I don't know. Maybe it's just that anything I've ever tried to grow has died. The other thing is, I don't have time to be that kind of mom. My motto will be: Do the best that I can, and make sure I do it for all my kids. This latter clause really grounds me. I know that it definitely will be an entirely different experience with my other kid(s), but some things I want to try and keep the same. I can give all my kids store-bought organically grown food. I can puree a couple of fruits and vegetables here and there. I will not raise my own cow, churn my own butter, or plant my own garden (I'll hire someone to do this if we have a nice backyard one day).

Anyways, after the avocado introduction, I was thinking of introducing KIMCHEE!

New York Trip

abbywedding
Originally uploaded by jieungrace.

Flying with an infant is not so fun. LA trips are ok because a one hour flight is nothing. However, a six hour flight is not too pleasant for all parties involved. I felt really bad for the teenage girl sitting next to me and Danny. Abby slept for most of the flight, but the several hours that she was awake, there was much fussing and crying and wailing.

Anyways, this is a shot of Abby at Marshall and Connie's wedding. When she's in a new situation with new people, she gets really clingy to mommy and daddy. People wanted to hold her and admire her and coo at her, but she gave them nothin. The most she'd do was stare calmly, if in Mommy's or Daddy's arms.

I just love getting to know who Abby is. She is her own person. It's startling to realize that your little girl is not a replica of your own self, and yet it's exciting to see how my influence on her development marks her as my own.

So far I'm finding that she's shy with strangers, doesn't like big crowds, hates being the center of attention, and she's introverted. Wait a second, am I talking about Abby, or DANNY? Ha! They have similar personalities, for sure. It's cute.

One thing about having an infant: when you walk into a store or a restaurant holding your child, you get a LOT of attention. You can hear whispers of "Oh, how cute!" or "Look at those little toes!" Other people simple walk up to you and ask, "How old is he?" I usually respond by saying, "SHE is 4 months old." Anyways, I love the attention we get. I actually enjoy random interactions with strangers, most of the time, when it's not with creepy men. But I realized that Abby probably doesn't enjoy them as much as I do.

Flickr

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

Sacred Hours from 9pm to 2am

If you've ever noticed the time stamps on my blog entries, you'll see that they're written mostly from the hours of 9pm to 2am. Occasionally I'll sneak in an entry during one of Abby's naps during the day. I crave my alone time. During this time, I eat at a normal pace, shower at a normal pace, check email, upload pictures on flickr, read other peoples' blogs, pump milk, read, watch TV, pay my bills, write thank you cards, wash the dishes, pick up toys, take out the trash, tidy up the rooms, and spend time with Danny. Basically, my life resumes at night.

You can begin to wonder about some of the problems that arise from this routine.

Two of the chores that are pretty tricky to complete are cleaning the baby room (the baby is in there sleeping!) and doing laundry (since the laundry room in our apartment complex closes at 10pm, and I need about 2 hours). I have to muster up enough energy during the day to do these chores with the baby attached to me on a bjorn, or just slip away while the baby is playing with toys.

I don't get enough sleep. If I sleep at 2am, and the baby wakes up at 6:30am, that's only 4 hours. Now, potentially, I can get 9 hours of sleep if I go to bed right when I put the baby to bed. But therein lies the problem. I can't sleep at such an early hour! I would be lying in bed with my eyes wide open until about midnight or 1am. That would mean that I wasted 3 to 4 hours of productivity. I guess I could always go to bed at midnight and get about 6 and a half hours of sleep. That's ultimately my goal, but it's so hard to break a habit.

I was sooo happy when I discovered a fellow night owl. Jenny, of George and Jenny. She text messaged me at around midnight last month to ask if they could bring something over for dinner the next day. I was like, "Woa! She's still up???" I was so excited that I decided to text her back immediately. The next night, we talked about how we're both night owls, rather sheepishly, because it's so not appropriate to be a night owl in this society. We're a minority. I'm talking about post-college. We are discriminated against institutionally. Schools start at 8am! People go to work at 7-8am!

Anyways, I'm wondering when does everyone else go to bed? Am I a lone owl? Hoot. Hoot...

Sleep Training

Parents are split over the issue of training their infants to sleep. Some are gungho about letting the child cry it out. Others are all about attending to their every cry and making sure the infant is asleep before laying them down in their cribs.

Before I had a child I was like, "Of course let her cry it out!" Ch. And then Abby was born. How could I, her mother, her protector, let her cry for more than five minutes?? I understand that line of reasoning. For the past four months, we've been doing a combination approach where we would put her down drowsy, sometimes with a pacifier, sometimes swaddled in a miracle blanket, sometimes dead asleep, sometimes this and sometimes that. Even if she was able to go through the night without food, she still would wake up a couple of times due to gas, noise, or whatever. Combine that with the fact that I don't actually go to bed until around 2am (I'm a night owl), and the result is that I haven't really slept for more than five hours at one time for the past four months. But I'm not complaining. I'm just telling it like it is. I usually make up for the sleep debt during the day by taking multiple naps.

Anyways, at Abby's 4 month appointment, the doctor declared that Abby was a very healthy baby. She's got rolls of fat, she's reached plenty of milestones (like rolling over), and she makes all kinds of new noises (including a shriek that resembles what one would imagine a velociraptor sounded like). Sooooo, Danny and I decided that Abby shall now cry herself to sleep. That sounds so harsh to me when I say it, but there's no reason why she shouldn't be able to soothe herself now.

Problem: But what if she rolls over and gets her arm stuck and can't breathe?
Solution: We put these wedges next to her body on both sides so that she can't roll over. Bought them at Target. I figure when she has mastered rolling over on both sides she won't need them anymore. Plus, it is good to put your infant to sleep on her back (I put her on her tummy for naps only now).

Problem: But what if she's going through a growth spurt and crying because she's hungry?
Solution: This is a big question for me because as the sole giver of nutrition for my child, I'm always worrying about if I'm doing an OK job. But let's face the facts. She's pretty huge. The doctor says she's in the 75th percentile for her weight. In addition, people at church have referred to her as "fatso," "chubby," "gargantuan," "sumo wrestler," and the like. You can't deny that she's getting enough to eat. So if she's hungry, I'm sure it's not going to be a big deal. As for growth spurts, someone told me that even if babies go through growth spurts, they can still sleep through the night. They can just eat more frequently during the day.

Problem: What if she's afraid of the dark and she's crying out of fear?
Solution: We thought of getting a nightlight, but haven't quite gotten it yet. Perhaps it's true, but it's not likely.

Problem: What if she doesn't know how to soothe herself?
Solution: Before Abby discovered that she can suck her fingers to soothe herself, I did not believe in letting her "cry it out." It would have just been literally tiring yourself out by crying, and not knowing how to soothe yourself. But now, she knows how to suck her fingers, and when she stops crying or fussing long enough to remember that she knows how to soothe herself, she'll do it and she'll fall asleep. The only way we would've known this is to just try it out one day. We did, and eventually she found her fingers, and she was able to calm down. Although it took her one hour of crying. Of course, we would check on her every five minutes or so to make sure that she was OK.

Problem: What if she needs to burp and can't do it on her own?
Solution: We try to make sure that we burp her before she goes to sleep. And if she's still uncomfortable due to gas, then eventually she'll spit up and it'll be fine. It might a little bit messy, but it's not the end of the world.

So anyways, even if there are solutions to the many problems I worry about, I STILL worry. We started this "cry it out" approach this week, and every time I put her down, my heart breaks. Did I feed her enough? Is it too early to put her down? Does she want to stay up just a little longer? Is she in pain and I just don't know it? Is a bug biting her? Is she bleeding and screaming her head off to warn me? Did I change her diaper? Is the tag on her clothes bothering her? Will her vocal cords be ruined? Am I a BAD mother? Is this really necessary? Can't I just hold her all night? Why can't she just sleep with me? Does she feel abandoned? These are just examples of some of the questions I ask myself.

On the plus side, she seems to sleep better if she's left to soothe herself to sleep. So I know that our little method is helping her, but I am holding my breath every night until she's sound asleep. It takes anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour of crying. Will it get better? Should we try a different approach? Will the madness of questions end?

Hot, Doctor's Appointment, Hair

OK, why is it so freaking hot? The Bay Area is not prepared for such weather. At least in Houston or LA everyone is equipped with a working central air conditioner. Here, it's like, people are sleeping over at other peoples' homes, fixing their AC, or moving into the one room of the house that has AC. The last kind of people are us. Danny and I and Abby have been sleeping in the living room/kitchen area. You can close the door so that the cold air stays in. I feel like we've been quarantined or something.

I went to the doctor's today for Abby's 4 month appointment. I knew she was long, but she's a Whoppin' 27 inches, which puts her in the 100th percentile. My immediate thought was, "Oh no, what if she's that girl in school who's the tallest in her class?" I say oh no because I read somewhere that tallness is socially a good thing for boys in school, but not so much for a girl. Usually tallness is closely associated with developing earlier. If you have a girl in a sixth grade classroom that's already matured, and a boy who's already tall and matured, the boy is more likely to have social success than the girl. So I've read. Anyways, after thinking this initially, I was glad that we have such a healthy little girl. Our pediatrician is a Christian, so we pray after every visit, thanking the Lord for Abby's health.

And then she got her shots. Poor girl, didn't know the needles were coming. She was just waking up from her nice nap. And then Wham! Zap! Pow! I know they're necessary and good, but it's so heartbreaking!!!! But she was good. She only cried a little bit.

So my hair is really nice, .... when I have time to make it look nice!!! Which is never. I have these bangs which are great if you spend time blow-drying it and styling. If not, they're just annoying and in your face all the time. What was I thinking???

I Got Bangs!!!

I get my hair cut once a year. For women, maintaining hair is expensive. Danny goes to a place called Lisa's Perfect Cuts and get his hair cut for 8 dollars. Apparently, several men from our smallgroup go there as well. They all bonded over how cheap it is - there were smiles all around.

So anyways, I went to get my hair cut at Mission 6 and I decided to get bangs. I chose the most non-ahjoomma cut I could imagine. Ever wonder why ahjoommas tend to have short boycut hair? It's because kids grab onto their mommies' hair when they're held! So now I have a long layered cut, complete with bangs. Totally non-ahjooma, but completely accessible for hair-grabbing by Abby. In fact, because it's layered, Abby has multiple access points; if she doesn't grab the top layer, then she still has like three more chances until the length of hair ends. Oh well. Another sacrifice for beauty. Ah. What women will do for the sake of beauty. And it's not like because I got this haircut, I'm automatically beautiful. Achieving the intended look requires about an hour of blow-drying, training new bangs to be independent of the rest of the hair, hair-spraying, and gelling. I don't have that kind of time every day.

The last time I had bangs was when I was four years old.

OK, now I'm boring myself to death. Got to stop.